Food disasters/horror stories
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<p>I was challenged to eat 48 chicken wings from a kebab shop in North London. I won the bet and then lost a stone over the week for being so ill. Saw the wings in the morning and they were mostly raw but I didn't notice.</p>
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<p>Once skiing were were trashed and went to a nice restaurant and asked for Nachos. It was late and the chef said ok as they had tortilla chips and asked how hot we would like them? We told him you couldn't make it hot enough so don't worry about how hot!!</p>
<p>Well, fuck me days did he win! Even in our trashed state we could tell they were nuclear but we were so hungry we wolfed them down.</p>
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<p>Got up the mountain the next day and we all went to the john at the same time and one of the guys actually screamed out in pain. Soon followed by me and my other mate. People were knocking on cubicle door to see if we were ok. We weren't! I have never experienced anything like it before. Ruined the days skiiing. We just went back to hotel and lived in fear of having to go to the toilet!!!!</p> -
<p>Probably the third date with the now wife and we've gone to an Indian restaurant she liked. I should point out I hadn't eaten Indian much, if at all, and don't really like spicy food. I sweat eating a hot pie. So ordered the only thing I recognised by name on the menu which was a vindaloo. The waiter asked me how I'd like it to which I replied hot thinking it was a stupid question; who would eat it cold? Girlfriend interjects saying I don't want it hot to which I become indignant and insist.</p>
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<p>I ate it all out of stubbornness and learn a valuable lesson after I look like I have plunged into a pool. Any napkin available I have tried to mop up the rivers of sweat running down my face and guzzled all the water they could bring me including that from other couple's tables. People were looking at me as if a young fit individual was about to have a heart attack in front of them.</p>
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<p>Having successfully eaten it all and slowly become a recognisable human being I realised what goes in must come out. Valuable lesson reinforced.</p>
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<p>Previous winner was "working" in Hawaii with the 25th Infantry Division on a bit of a lark. Everything they served was dripping in oil or fat. And I was drinking like a method actor auditioning for the sequel to Leaving Las Vegas. We all were. So rounding up the troops for a night in Waikiki and can feel some gaseous pressure building up while explaining "<em>the bus </em>(shift weight slightly and fart) <em>will be leaving</em> (shift weight second time and fart) <em>in 20</em> (shift weight again and shit my pants) , <em>umm 30 minutes"</em>. Walk into shower, drop dacks, rinse them out, clean myself and throw soiled underwear into the garbage bin outside.</p> -
<p>Hard to follow dogmeat, but here is mine:</p>
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<p>Driving through the US a few years ago, staying in backpacker hostels as I went. Made friends with this cute Aussie girl in Houston (who I fancied quite a bit), took her out to this bar everyone was raving about for dinner. Was on the other side of town, so I drove (and if we got a bit boozed could always leave the car and call a cab). Got a park right out the front.</p>
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<p>Anyway, halfway through dinner I get the rumblings that something was about to go wrong. Never ideal in such a scenario, so I excused myself to the lavatory (with the aim of being as quick as possible, even though it was going to be violent. The mid-date shit is an art, as some may know).</p>
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<p>Get to the gents, and saw something I have to this day never seen again in a bar or restaurant- two urinals (standard), and then a toilet next to it. With no walls around it. A shitter that was 100% exposed, and it was a fairly busy bar. Considering the violence of what was about to happen, I just couldn’t have an audience. For their sake as much as mine.</p>
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<p>But this left me in a situation. I had 2-3 minutes max of full bowel control, and after that… it’s getting ugly. So I remember we passed a McDonalds on the way in, a few minutes up the road. I run out to my car, and drive to Maccas where I sprint in, unload my cargo and get the hell out of there.</p>
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<p>I drive back as quick as I can, but someone has taken my spot. So I park around the corner, and run back in.</p>
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<p>So by now the girl is obviously a bit weirded out, but not too much. I told her I got a phone call, which seemed to work… in the short term anyway.</p>
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<p>It’s all going well enough, we’re getting on really well, I haven’t had too many drinks so we decide to drive back to the hostel.</p>
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<p>She walks to where I parked the car the first time, and sees a different car there. Goes ‘Oh my god your car’s been stolen’. I almost considered playing along with that, but decided filing a fake report was probably a bit too much to cover this one up. So I told her I ‘moved the car’ around the corner, which she really didn’t understand. I told her it was ‘one hour parking’ and I had to move, despite there being no signs or meters anywhere to show this.</p>
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<p>She kept pressing me on why I moved the car mid-dinner, and my continued fumbling completely killed any mood that existed during the dinner. All of a sudden my ‘phone call’ excuse was looking a lot less solid, and she knew it.</p>
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<p>She was nice enough to me from that point on, but my chance at anything with her was zero from that point forward. You just can’t come back from that.</p>
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<p>Still can’t believe the bar had a wall-less toilet. The humanity…</p> -
<p>I do love a good curry. You know it's going to be purgatory the next day but you simply can't help yourself.</p>
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<p>I've never found one too hot to eat but there's a few I wished the next day I had and yeah Hooroo, eating hot food involves machismo.</p>
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<p>MN5 - I have eaten dog. Better yet I've eaten dog offal and judging by peoples reactions when we get talking about foods eaten, dog isn't even close to the nastiest I've had.</p> -
<p>That is a fucken outstanding yarn barbarian, it would make a brilliant scene in a film. Reminds me of Dumb and Dumber when Jeff Daniels has to have a dump and he's pretending he's having a shave then finds out the shitter isn't working, in fact your yarn would be even better than that.</p>
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<p>You're dead right about the mid date dump, it's basically every blokes worst nightmare, any longer than 2 minutes to have a "slash" and unless the chick is thick as two short planks she's gonna figure out you're smashing one out ( that can mean two things )........ </p>
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<p>Even if by some miracle you get some action after that you better make sure you've wiped thoroughly.......at least two rolls.</p> -
<p>barbarian - in the day I've travelled on trains where the toilets are just holes cut in the floor of an open carriage with multiple people male and female squatting at the same time.</p>
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<p>A moving jolting train makes the hole a difficult target as could be evidenced by the shit and piss everywhere, the flies and the smell.</p>
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<p>Works really well as a constipation aid. I was quite happy to return to my 1 square foot of floor space even though I quite literally shared it with a bag of snakes</p> -
<p>Worst night I can recall - with new man, who was sleeping over for the first time. Cooked dinner, then had a very rich cheesecake dessert.</p>
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<p>Everything was brilliant until about 2am, when my gut decided NOPE. Don't know if it was combined dayjob/book stress that had my gut a bit delicate then the dessert tipped it over the edge, but OMG. I was in the bathroom for well over two hours. It wouldn't stop. I was there, hunched over, tears running down my face while my gut spasmed continuously like it had been stabbed, and the butt cramps cos of sitting down on a plastic seat, loo paper felt like a wire brush.</p>
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<p>You know that point when you just want to die and think surely there can't be anything left, and your body cackles and says AU CONTRAIRE. The guy knocked on the door asking if I was ok, actually twisted the doorknob, and I practically screamed DO NOT COME IN. I think I was in there for another quarter hour after that, then finally it ceased.</p>
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<p>The relationship actually survived this and continued until natural end several months later. But damn.</p> -
<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="Mokey" data-cid="596760" data-time="1468566266"><p>
Worst night I can recall - with new man, who was sleeping over for the first time. Cooked dinner, then had a very rich cheesecake dessert.<br><br>
Everything was brilliant until about 2am, when my gut decided NOPE. Don't know if it was combined dayjob/book stress that had my gut a bit delicate then the dessert tipped it over the edge, but OMG. I was in the bathroom for well over two hours. It wouldn't stop. I was there, hunched over, tears running down my face while my gut spasmed continuously like it had been stabbed, and the butt cramps cos of sitting down on a plastic seat, loo paper felt like a wire brush.<br><br>
You know that point when you just want to die and think surely there can't be anything left, and your body cackles and says AU CONTRAIRE. The guy knocked on the door asking if I was ok, actually twisted the doorknob, and I practically screamed DO NOT COME IN. I think I was in there for another quarter hour after that, then finally it ceased.<br><br>
The relationship actually survived this and continued until natural end several months later. But damn.</p></blockquote>
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I once worked with a Greek guy who was still living with his mum well into his thirties and had lived a sheltered life. I swear he was still a virgin. He was horrified when I told him females farted. I think this story would have killed him. -
Oh now this is my favourite thread. I laughed loudly at Antipodeans post and Barbarians. <br><br>
Antipodean, do you like spicy food now? <br><br>
I love it so so much. When I moved to England a korma would have been too hot. After 7 years there I was eating phal and raw chilli remaking on the taste rather than the heat. -
<p>I like Indian and Thai now. I will eat a madras or rogan josh, although I recognise most people don't consider that spicy. Don't mind a red curry either, I just make sure I have beer on hand to cleanse the palate. The wife adds chilli to almost anything and finds it amusing if she forgets whose plate is whose.</p>
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<p>I think I'd have a cardiac arrest if I ate a phall.</p> -
<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="Mokey" data-cid="596760" data-time="1468566266"><p>
Worst night I can recall - with new man, who was sleeping over for the first time. Cooked dinner, then had a very rich cheesecake dessert.<br><br>
Everything was brilliant until about 2am, when my gut decided NOPE. Don't know if it was combined dayjob/book stress that had my gut a bit delicate then the dessert tipped it over the edge, but OMG. I was in the bathroom for well over two hours. It wouldn't stop. I was there, hunched over, tears running down my face while my gut spasmed continuously like it had been stabbed, and the butt cramps cos of sitting down on a plastic seat, loo paper felt like a wire brush.<br><br>
You know that point when you just want to die and think surely there can't be anything left, and your body cackles and says AU CONTRAIRE. The guy knocked on the door asking if I was ok, actually twisted the doorknob, and I practically screamed DO NOT COME IN. I think I was in there for another quarter hour after that, then finally it ceased.<br><br>
The relationship actually survived this and continued until natural end several months later. But damn.</p></blockquote>
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Loosened by anal? -
Hahaha!!!