Food disasters/horror stories



  • Okay all, after enjoying the Guns and Strippers thread, I thought I might start a new thread detailing unpleasent experiances resulting from food. What follows is my second worst experiance resulting from food.
     
    Also, to give some reference, this follows a work function late last year to celebrate Diwali - The Indian festivle of lights. So of course, a group of about 30 went to a rather famous Indian restaurant in St. Leonards.
     
    What follows has been taken driectly from some emails I sent to work colleagues after this function and the only changes are to remove any personal identifying information.
     
    Email #1... written when I first arrived at work.
     
    Subject: I do solemnly declare today to officially be...
     
    International “Curry in a Hurry Day”
     
    Oh yes, it all started in the wee hours of this morning where I was struggling to sleep fitfully. And before you think to yourself “oh yeah, it was rather hot and humid last night”… It was not the heat that was bothering me, but rather it was the intermittent grumblings and waves of minor contractions originating from the depths of my bowels.
     
    And then at exactly 04:17 this morning, I was hit with the first of the 7.5 Richter scale bowel clenching cramps. I know it was exactly 04:17 as I had quickly looked at my phone sitting on the bedside table when I was hit with the second such major cramps, this time nearing an 8 on the Richter scale.
     
    I then, with speed and agility that belies my nearly 50 years, leapt out of bed with just two thoughts running through my mind…
    “Tsunami” and “Save Humanity”.
     
    So I quickly ran, sprinting as fast as I could whilst still maintaining sphincter control, for a toilet buried in the depths of our home which we haven’t visited for some time due to the flooding issues with our home.
     
    Open successfully reaching the toilet in what was meant to be the guest room on-suite, the gates of hell were unleashed.
     
    I will now spare you the graphic details but let me just say one thing, I am grateful for having recently man-scaped which meant that the significant splashback landed on cheeks that had recently been shorn of the winter coat and therefore made cleaning easier… no dags!
     
    I did however make one major mistake as I was drawn to it, unable to resist the temptation which we all secretly do, of looking into the bowl, and there he was… In all his glory returned to this mortal coil…
     
    Billy!
     
    Yes, that wiry old goat who was yesterday’s first CURRY dish of the main courses surrounded by lots of greenery which looked suspiciously like that side-dish our Indian waiter warned us that it was extra hot.
     
     
     
    Email #2... later that day at work. Please note this was sent from the mens room at work and I left the office for home shortly after this was sent.
     
     
    Subject: RE: I do solemnly declare today to officially be...
     
    What I write to you now is the last will and testament of RoninWC.
     
    Written to you from the first stall on the level 10 men’s room. Please ask Facilities to declare a state of emergency and call the local Hazmat team. I’m sure this stuff has a half-life of at least 500 years.
     
    To continue…
    As I am of sound mind… uhmmm… well at the moment I am suffering waves of delirium that are perfectly timed with uncontrolled spasms starting somewhere I didn’t believe existed in my body that then traverse down my entire digestive tract ending in contractions of the bowel that send explosions of some unearthly material in the vicinity of the toilet bowl.
     
    I think I’m sitting but I’m not really sure.
     
    Yes… it is Billy 3.0!
     
    Twice at home and now again here at work.
     
    I therefore leave all my worldly goods to my wife  with the exception of my alcohol and cigar collection to which I leave the boys of Miller St.
     
    OMG I haven’t seen this much poo since my last colonoscopy preparation.
     
    That is all.



  • Had a recent trip to Bangkok for work and after dining out and for about a week of 3 to 4 meals a day and non stop boozing my body said ENOUGH. It may have been dodgy ice related or maybe just way too much spicey food. Not sure.
    What followed was 6 days straight (yes night and day, pretty much hourly) of cramps and Bangkok gravey. I now know why those Thai toilets so full with water and why they also have those shower nozzle / hose type attachments next to the toilet. I could hardly bear to wipe after 3 days as my anus felt like it was red raw.
    Immodium didn't seem to help either. Went through two packets of with hardly any impact at all.
    Of course I didn't stop the eating and boozing though. Plane flight home wasn't great but probably worse for those up in business class with me. And of course all was back to normal within 24 hours of returning home to NZ.



  • I've only really had one case of food poisoning squits which was in Spain and totally my own fault.
     
    I'd been hitching round Spain and North Africa for months eating whatever took my fancy (including a croissant on the side of the road that only had oe bite out it...) with no problems at all until I got picked up by a young couple from Seville. I ended up spending a couple of days with them.  The first night we camped in a cave on Cape Trafalgar - great night, plenty of wine, the guitars were out and we ate mussels off the rocks....
     
    The cramps started the next morning.  The Spanish couple were really good. Despite me having to stop every 20 mins or so they still invited me back to their house on Sunday night. Fortunately I didn't have any accidents there but I did spend almost the entire evening on their toilet. They dropped me at the train station. luckily the worst was over by then
     
    There is a final chapter to this little story. I ended up on a beach on the Algarve and was understandably exhausted so fell asleep on the beach - for eight hours. Naked. So my poor arse not only had burns from the all the shits it then had blisters from sun burn.  I literally could not sit down for 3 days.
     
    The most pain I ever suffered was after a magnificent Phal in west London. I was a delivery driver. The next morning (fortunately) was a Saturday.  The cramps started at Islington.  I stopped at Kings Cross, St Pancras, Euston and Marylebone. By the end I was splashing water all over by arsehole in a vain attempt to quench the flames.
     
    My worst episode was nothing to do with food. I had a barium enema.  No one told me to go home and sit on the toilet. So I went shopping.  The rumbling must have sounded like Rangitoto was about to blow.  I was by the frozen foods in Countdown.
     
    I almost made it to the toilet too...  I did get inside the cubicle but you know how your sphincter relaxes when you're almost there. It was catastrophic. There was white liquid everywhere. And I mean E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E.  Some of it did make it into the toilet bowl but the rest was up the walls across the floor. There was even some on the ceiling
     
    I was in their about 40 minutes. I used 5 rolls of toilet roll cleaning the place up. Abandoned my undies in the hygienic waste bin.  Never did finish the shopping....
     
    Sickest I've ever been was when a chick through up down my throat when we were making out. I vomited for about 12 hours solid.
     
    actually surprised I haven't been sicker given I have eaten all manner of stuff in all sorts of dives.



  • FFS



  • And Dogmeat just won the internet!
     
    :truce:



  • Just like the Guns and Strippers thread I'm out of my depth here but I'll keenly observe in any case.......
     
    I've never appreciated what an appropriate username dogmeat is until now......



  • I was challenged to eat 48 chicken wings from a kebab shop in North London.  I won the bet and then lost a stone over the week for being so ill.  Saw the wings in the morning and they were mostly raw but I didn't notice.
     
    Once skiing were were trashed and went to a nice restaurant and asked for Nachos. It was late and the chef said ok as they had tortilla chips and asked how hot we would like them?  We told him you couldn't make it hot enough so don't worry about how hot!!
    Well, fuck me days did he win! Even in our trashed state we could tell they were nuclear but we were so hungry we wolfed them down.
     
    Got up the mountain the next day and we all went to the john at the same time and one of the guys actually screamed out in pain.  Soon followed by me and my other mate.  People were knocking on cubicle door to see if we were ok.  We weren't!  I have never experienced anything like it before. Ruined the days skiiing. We just went back to hotel and lived in fear of having to go to the toilet!!!!



  • Probably the third date with the now wife and we've gone to an Indian restaurant she liked. I should point out I hadn't eaten Indian much, if at all, and don't really like spicy food. I sweat eating a hot pie. So ordered the only thing I recognised by name on the menu which was a vindaloo. The waiter asked me how I'd like it to which I replied hot thinking it was a stupid question; who would eat it cold? Girlfriend interjects saying I don't want it hot to which I become indignant and insist.
     
    I ate it all out of stubbornness and learn a valuable lesson after I look like I have plunged into a pool. Any napkin available I have tried to mop up the rivers of sweat running down my face and guzzled all the water they could bring me including that from other couple's tables. People were looking at me as if a young fit individual was about to have a heart attack in front of them.
     
    Having successfully eaten it all and slowly become a recognisable human being I realised what goes in must come out. Valuable lesson reinforced.
     
     
    Previous winner was "working" in Hawaii with the 25th Infantry Division on a bit of a lark. Everything they served was dripping in oil or fat. And I was drinking like a method actor auditioning for the sequel to Leaving Las Vegas. We all were. So rounding up the troops for a night in Waikiki and can feel some gaseous pressure building up while explaining "the bus (shift weight slightly and fart) will be leaving (shift weight second time and fart) in 20 (shift weight again and shit my pants) , umm 30 minutes".  Walk into shower, drop dacks, rinse them out, clean myself and throw soiled underwear into the garbage bin outside.



  • Hard to follow dogmeat, but here is mine:
     
    Driving through the US a few years ago, staying in backpacker hostels as I went. Made friends with this cute Aussie girl in Houston (who I fancied quite a bit), took her out to this bar everyone was raving about for dinner. Was on the other side of town, so I drove (and if we got a bit boozed could always leave the car and call a cab). Got a park right out the front.
     
    Anyway, halfway through dinner I get the rumblings that something was about to go wrong. Never ideal in such a scenario, so I excused myself to the lavatory (with the aim of being as quick as possible, even though it was going to be violent. The mid-date shit is an art, as some may know).
     
    Get to the gents, and saw something I have to this day never seen again in a bar or restaurant- two urinals (standard), and then a toilet next to it. With no walls around it. A shitter that was 100% exposed, and it was a fairly busy bar. Considering the violence of what was about to happen, I just couldn’t have an audience. For their sake as much as mine.
     
    But this left me in a situation. I had 2-3 minutes max of full bowel control, and after that… it’s getting ugly. So I remember we passed a McDonalds on the way in, a few minutes up the road. I run out to my car, and drive to Maccas where I sprint in, unload my cargo and get the hell out of there.
     
    I drive back as quick as I can, but someone has taken my spot. So I park around the corner, and run back in.
     
    So by now the girl is obviously a bit weirded out, but not too much. I told her I got a phone call, which seemed to work… in the short term anyway.
     
    It’s all going well enough, we’re getting on really well, I haven’t had too many drinks so we decide to drive back to the hostel.
     
    She walks to where I parked the car the first time, and sees a different car there. Goes ‘Oh my god your car’s been stolen’. I almost considered playing along with that, but decided filing a fake report was probably a bit too much to cover this one up. So I told her I ‘moved the car’ around the corner, which she really didn’t understand. I told her it was ‘one hour parking’ and I had to move, despite there being no signs or meters anywhere to show this.
     
    She kept pressing me on why I moved the car mid-dinner, and my continued fumbling completely killed any mood that existed during the dinner. All of a sudden my ‘phone call’ excuse was looking a lot less solid, and she knew it.
     
    She was nice enough to me from that point on, but my chance at anything with her was zero from that point forward. You just can’t come back from that.
     
    Still can’t believe the bar had a wall-less toilet. The humanity…



  • I do love a good curry. You know it's going to be purgatory the next day but you simply can't help yourself.
     
    I've never found one too hot to eat but there's a few I wished the next day I had and yeah Hooroo, eating hot food involves machismo.
     
    MN5 - I have eaten dog. Better yet I've eaten dog offal and judging by peoples reactions when we get talking about foods eaten, dog isn't even close to the nastiest I've had.



  • That is a fucken outstanding yarn barbarian, it would make a brilliant scene in a film. Reminds me of Dumb and Dumber when Jeff Daniels has to have a dump and he's pretending he's having a shave then finds out the shitter isn't working, in fact your yarn would be even better than that.
     
    You're dead right about the mid date dump, it's basically every blokes worst nightmare, any longer than 2 minutes to have a "slash" and unless the chick is thick as two short planks she's gonna figure out you're smashing one out ( that can mean two things )........ 
     
    Even if by some miracle you get some action after that you better make sure you've wiped thoroughly.......at least two rolls.



  • barbarian - in the day  I've travelled on trains where the toilets are just holes cut in the floor of an open carriage with multiple people male and female squatting at the same time.
     
    A moving jolting train makes the hole a difficult target as could be evidenced by the shit and piss everywhere, the flies and the smell.
     
    Works really well as a constipation aid. I was quite happy to return to my 1 square foot of floor space even though I quite literally shared it with a bag of snakes



  • I think dogmeat you have just become the Ferner with whom I most want to share a drink.
     
    I thought I have some stories but damn!



  • Any chance of a "Ferner we'd least like to have in the cubicle next to us having a dump" award ?
     
    dogmeat is the clear winner so far but barbarians story deserves some sort of honourable mention.......



  • Worst night I can recall - with new man, who was sleeping over for the first time. Cooked dinner, then had a very rich cheesecake dessert.
     
    Everything was brilliant until about 2am, when my gut decided NOPE. Don't know if it was combined dayjob/book stress that had my gut a bit delicate then the dessert tipped it over the edge, but OMG. I was in the bathroom for well over two hours. It wouldn't stop. I was there, hunched over, tears running down my face while my gut spasmed continuously like it had been stabbed, and the butt cramps cos of sitting down on a plastic seat, loo paper felt like a wire brush.
     
    You know that point when you just want to die and think surely there can't be anything left, and your body cackles and says AU CONTRAIRE. The guy knocked on the door asking if I was ok, actually twisted the doorknob, and I practically screamed DO NOT COME IN. I think I was in there for another quarter hour after that, then finally it ceased.
     
    The relationship actually survived this and continued until natural end several months later. But damn.



  • Worst night I can recall - with new man, who was sleeping over for the first time. Cooked dinner, then had a very rich cheesecake dessert.
    Everything was brilliant until about 2am, when my gut decided NOPE. Don't know if it was combined dayjob/book stress that had my gut a bit delicate then the dessert tipped it over the edge, but OMG. I was in the bathroom for well over two hours. It wouldn't stop. I was there, hunched over, tears running down my face while my gut spasmed continuously like it had been stabbed, and the butt cramps cos of sitting down on a plastic seat, loo paper felt like a wire brush.
    You know that point when you just want to die and think surely there can't be anything left, and your body cackles and says AU CONTRAIRE. The guy knocked on the door asking if I was ok, actually twisted the doorknob, and I practically screamed DO NOT COME IN. I think I was in there for another quarter hour after that, then finally it ceased.
    The relationship actually survived this and continued until natural end several months later. But damn.

    I once worked with a Greek guy who was still living with his mum well into his thirties and had lived a sheltered life. I swear he was still a virgin. He was horrified when I told him females farted. I think this story would have killed him.



  • Oh now this is my favourite thread. I laughed loudly at Antipodeans post and Barbarians.
    Antipodean, do you like spicy food now?
    I love it so so much. When I moved to England a korma would have been too hot. After 7 years there I was eating phal and raw chilli remaking on the taste rather than the heat.



  • I like Indian and Thai now. I will eat a madras or rogan josh, although I recognise most people don't consider that spicy. Don't mind a red curry either, I just make sure I have beer on hand to cleanse the palate. The wife adds chilli to almost anything and finds it amusing if she forgets whose plate is whose.
     
    I think I'd have a cardiac arrest if I ate a phall.



  • Worst night I can recall - with new man, who was sleeping over for the first time. Cooked dinner, then had a very rich cheesecake dessert.
    Everything was brilliant until about 2am, when my gut decided NOPE. Don't know if it was combined dayjob/book stress that had my gut a bit delicate then the dessert tipped it over the edge, but OMG. I was in the bathroom for well over two hours. It wouldn't stop. I was there, hunched over, tears running down my face while my gut spasmed continuously like it had been stabbed, and the butt cramps cos of sitting down on a plastic seat, loo paper felt like a wire brush.
    You know that point when you just want to die and think surely there can't be anything left, and your body cackles and says AU CONTRAIRE. The guy knocked on the door asking if I was ok, actually twisted the doorknob, and I practically screamed DO NOT COME IN. I think I was in there for another quarter hour after that, then finally it ceased.
    The relationship actually survived this and continued until natural end several months later. But damn.

    Loosened by anal?



  • Loosened by anal?After all this time I'm not at all surprised you went there