Food disasters/horror stories



  • Okay all, after enjoying the Guns and Strippers thread, I thought I might start a new thread detailing unpleasent experiances resulting from food. What follows is my second worst experiance resulting from food.
     
    Also, to give some reference, this follows a work function late last year to celebrate Diwali - The Indian festivle of lights. So of course, a group of about 30 went to a rather famous Indian restaurant in St. Leonards.
     
    What follows has been taken driectly from some emails I sent to work colleagues after this function and the only changes are to remove any personal identifying information.
     
    Email #1... written when I first arrived at work.
     
    Subject: I do solemnly declare today to officially be...
     
    International “Curry in a Hurry Day”
     
    Oh yes, it all started in the wee hours of this morning where I was struggling to sleep fitfully. And before you think to yourself “oh yeah, it was rather hot and humid last night”… It was not the heat that was bothering me, but rather it was the intermittent grumblings and waves of minor contractions originating from the depths of my bowels.
     
    And then at exactly 04:17 this morning, I was hit with the first of the 7.5 Richter scale bowel clenching cramps. I know it was exactly 04:17 as I had quickly looked at my phone sitting on the bedside table when I was hit with the second such major cramps, this time nearing an 8 on the Richter scale.
     
    I then, with speed and agility that belies my nearly 50 years, leapt out of bed with just two thoughts running through my mind…
    “Tsunami” and “Save Humanity”.
     
    So I quickly ran, sprinting as fast as I could whilst still maintaining sphincter control, for a toilet buried in the depths of our home which we haven’t visited for some time due to the flooding issues with our home.
     
    Open successfully reaching the toilet in what was meant to be the guest room on-suite, the gates of hell were unleashed.
     
    I will now spare you the graphic details but let me just say one thing, I am grateful for having recently man-scaped which meant that the significant splashback landed on cheeks that had recently been shorn of the winter coat and therefore made cleaning easier… no dags!
     
    I did however make one major mistake as I was drawn to it, unable to resist the temptation which we all secretly do, of looking into the bowl, and there he was… In all his glory returned to this mortal coil…
     
    Billy!
     
    Yes, that wiry old goat who was yesterday’s first CURRY dish of the main courses surrounded by lots of greenery which looked suspiciously like that side-dish our Indian waiter warned us that it was extra hot.
     
     
     
    Email #2... later that day at work. Please note this was sent from the mens room at work and I left the office for home shortly after this was sent.
     
     
    Subject: RE: I do solemnly declare today to officially be...
     
    What I write to you now is the last will and testament of RoninWC.
     
    Written to you from the first stall on the level 10 men’s room. Please ask Facilities to declare a state of emergency and call the local Hazmat team. I’m sure this stuff has a half-life of at least 500 years.
     
    To continue…
    As I am of sound mind… uhmmm… well at the moment I am suffering waves of delirium that are perfectly timed with uncontrolled spasms starting somewhere I didn’t believe existed in my body that then traverse down my entire digestive tract ending in contractions of the bowel that send explosions of some unearthly material in the vicinity of the toilet bowl.
     
    I think I’m sitting but I’m not really sure.
     
    Yes… it is Billy 3.0!
     
    Twice at home and now again here at work.
     
    I therefore leave all my worldly goods to my wife  with the exception of my alcohol and cigar collection to which I leave the boys of Miller St.
     
    OMG I haven’t seen this much poo since my last colonoscopy preparation.
     
    That is all.



  • Had a recent trip to Bangkok for work and after dining out and for about a week of 3 to 4 meals a day and non stop boozing my body said ENOUGH. It may have been dodgy ice related or maybe just way too much spicey food. Not sure.
    What followed was 6 days straight (yes night and day, pretty much hourly) of cramps and Bangkok gravey. I now know why those Thai toilets so full with water and why they also have those shower nozzle / hose type attachments next to the toilet. I could hardly bear to wipe after 3 days as my anus felt like it was red raw.
    Immodium didn't seem to help either. Went through two packets of with hardly any impact at all.
    Of course I didn't stop the eating and boozing though. Plane flight home wasn't great but probably worse for those up in business class with me. And of course all was back to normal within 24 hours of returning home to NZ.



  • I've only really had one case of food poisoning squits which was in Spain and totally my own fault.
     
    I'd been hitching round Spain and North Africa for months eating whatever took my fancy (including a croissant on the side of the road that only had oe bite out it...) with no problems at all until I got picked up by a young couple from Seville. I ended up spending a couple of days with them.  The first night we camped in a cave on Cape Trafalgar - great night, plenty of wine, the guitars were out and we ate mussels off the rocks....
     
    The cramps started the next morning.  The Spanish couple were really good. Despite me having to stop every 20 mins or so they still invited me back to their house on Sunday night. Fortunately I didn't have any accidents there but I did spend almost the entire evening on their toilet. They dropped me at the train station. luckily the worst was over by then
     
    There is a final chapter to this little story. I ended up on a beach on the Algarve and was understandably exhausted so fell asleep on the beach - for eight hours. Naked. So my poor arse not only had burns from the all the shits it then had blisters from sun burn.  I literally could not sit down for 3 days.
     
    The most pain I ever suffered was after a magnificent Phal in west London. I was a delivery driver. The next morning (fortunately) was a Saturday.  The cramps started at Islington.  I stopped at Kings Cross, St Pancras, Euston and Marylebone. By the end I was splashing water all over by arsehole in a vain attempt to quench the flames.
     
    My worst episode was nothing to do with food. I had a barium enema.  No one told me to go home and sit on the toilet. So I went shopping.  The rumbling must have sounded like Rangitoto was about to blow.  I was by the frozen foods in Countdown.
     
    I almost made it to the toilet too...  I did get inside the cubicle but you know how your sphincter relaxes when you're almost there. It was catastrophic. There was white liquid everywhere. And I mean E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E.  Some of it did make it into the toilet bowl but the rest was up the walls across the floor. There was even some on the ceiling
     
    I was in their about 40 minutes. I used 5 rolls of toilet roll cleaning the place up. Abandoned my undies in the hygienic waste bin.  Never did finish the shopping....
     
    Sickest I've ever been was when a chick through up down my throat when we were making out. I vomited for about 12 hours solid.
     
    actually surprised I haven't been sicker given I have eaten all manner of stuff in all sorts of dives.



  • FFS



  • And Dogmeat just won the internet!
     
    :truce:



  • Just like the Guns and Strippers thread I'm out of my depth here but I'll keenly observe in any case.......
     
    I've never appreciated what an appropriate username dogmeat is until now......



  • I was challenged to eat 48 chicken wings from a kebab shop in North London.  I won the bet and then lost a stone over the week for being so ill.  Saw the wings in the morning and they were mostly raw but I didn't notice.
     
    Once skiing were were trashed and went to a nice restaurant and asked for Nachos. It was late and the chef said ok as they had tortilla chips and asked how hot we would like them?  We told him you couldn't make it hot enough so don't worry about how hot!!
    Well, fuck me days did he win! Even in our trashed state we could tell they were nuclear but we were so hungry we wolfed them down.
     
    Got up the mountain the next day and we all went to the john at the same time and one of the guys actually screamed out in pain.  Soon followed by me and my other mate.  People were knocking on cubicle door to see if we were ok.  We weren't!  I have never experienced anything like it before. Ruined the days skiiing. We just went back to hotel and lived in fear of having to go to the toilet!!!!



  • Probably the third date with the now wife and we've gone to an Indian restaurant she liked. I should point out I hadn't eaten Indian much, if at all, and don't really like spicy food. I sweat eating a hot pie. So ordered the only thing I recognised by name on the menu which was a vindaloo. The waiter asked me how I'd like it to which I replied hot thinking it was a stupid question; who would eat it cold? Girlfriend interjects saying I don't want it hot to which I become indignant and insist.
     
    I ate it all out of stubbornness and learn a valuable lesson after I look like I have plunged into a pool. Any napkin available I have tried to mop up the rivers of sweat running down my face and guzzled all the water they could bring me including that from other couple's tables. People were looking at me as if a young fit individual was about to have a heart attack in front of them.
     
    Having successfully eaten it all and slowly become a recognisable human being I realised what goes in must come out. Valuable lesson reinforced.
     
     
    Previous winner was "working" in Hawaii with the 25th Infantry Division on a bit of a lark. Everything they served was dripping in oil or fat. And I was drinking like a method actor auditioning for the sequel to Leaving Las Vegas. We all were. So rounding up the troops for a night in Waikiki and can feel some gaseous pressure building up while explaining "the bus (shift weight slightly and fart) will be leaving (shift weight second time and fart) in 20 (shift weight again and shit my pants) , umm 30 minutes".  Walk into shower, drop dacks, rinse them out, clean myself and throw soiled underwear into the garbage bin outside.



  • Hard to follow dogmeat, but here is mine:
     
    Driving through the US a few years ago, staying in backpacker hostels as I went. Made friends with this cute Aussie girl in Houston (who I fancied quite a bit), took her out to this bar everyone was raving about for dinner. Was on the other side of town, so I drove (and if we got a bit boozed could always leave the car and call a cab). Got a park right out the front.
     
    Anyway, halfway through dinner I get the rumblings that something was about to go wrong. Never ideal in such a scenario, so I excused myself to the lavatory (with the aim of being as quick as possible, even though it was going to be violent. The mid-date shit is an art, as some may know).
     
    Get to the gents, and saw something I have to this day never seen again in a bar or restaurant- two urinals (standard), and then a toilet next to it. With no walls around it. A shitter that was 100% exposed, and it was a fairly busy bar. Considering the violence of what was about to happen, I just couldn’t have an audience. For their sake as much as mine.
     
    But this left me in a situation. I had 2-3 minutes max of full bowel control, and after that… it’s getting ugly. So I remember we passed a McDonalds on the way in, a few minutes up the road. I run out to my car, and drive to Maccas where I sprint in, unload my cargo and get the hell out of there.
     
    I drive back as quick as I can, but someone has taken my spot. So I park around the corner, and run back in.
     
    So by now the girl is obviously a bit weirded out, but not too much. I told her I got a phone call, which seemed to work… in the short term anyway.
     
    It’s all going well enough, we’re getting on really well, I haven’t had too many drinks so we decide to drive back to the hostel.
     
    She walks to where I parked the car the first time, and sees a different car there. Goes ‘Oh my god your car’s been stolen’. I almost considered playing along with that, but decided filing a fake report was probably a bit too much to cover this one up. So I told her I ‘moved the car’ around the corner, which she really didn’t understand. I told her it was ‘one hour parking’ and I had to move, despite there being no signs or meters anywhere to show this.
     
    She kept pressing me on why I moved the car mid-dinner, and my continued fumbling completely killed any mood that existed during the dinner. All of a sudden my ‘phone call’ excuse was looking a lot less solid, and she knew it.
     
    She was nice enough to me from that point on, but my chance at anything with her was zero from that point forward. You just can’t come back from that.
     
    Still can’t believe the bar had a wall-less toilet. The humanity…



  • I do love a good curry. You know it's going to be purgatory the next day but you simply can't help yourself.
     
    I've never found one too hot to eat but there's a few I wished the next day I had and yeah Hooroo, eating hot food involves machismo.
     
    MN5 - I have eaten dog. Better yet I've eaten dog offal and judging by peoples reactions when we get talking about foods eaten, dog isn't even close to the nastiest I've had.



  • That is a fucken outstanding yarn barbarian, it would make a brilliant scene in a film. Reminds me of Dumb and Dumber when Jeff Daniels has to have a dump and he's pretending he's having a shave then finds out the shitter isn't working, in fact your yarn would be even better than that.
     
    You're dead right about the mid date dump, it's basically every blokes worst nightmare, any longer than 2 minutes to have a "slash" and unless the chick is thick as two short planks she's gonna figure out you're smashing one out ( that can mean two things )........ 
     
    Even if by some miracle you get some action after that you better make sure you've wiped thoroughly.......at least two rolls.



  • barbarian - in the day  I've travelled on trains where the toilets are just holes cut in the floor of an open carriage with multiple people male and female squatting at the same time.
     
    A moving jolting train makes the hole a difficult target as could be evidenced by the shit and piss everywhere, the flies and the smell.
     
    Works really well as a constipation aid. I was quite happy to return to my 1 square foot of floor space even though I quite literally shared it with a bag of snakes



  • I think dogmeat you have just become the Ferner with whom I most want to share a drink.
     
    I thought I have some stories but damn!



  • Any chance of a "Ferner we'd least like to have in the cubicle next to us having a dump" award ?
     
    dogmeat is the clear winner so far but barbarians story deserves some sort of honourable mention.......



  • Worst night I can recall - with new man, who was sleeping over for the first time. Cooked dinner, then had a very rich cheesecake dessert.
     
    Everything was brilliant until about 2am, when my gut decided NOPE. Don't know if it was combined dayjob/book stress that had my gut a bit delicate then the dessert tipped it over the edge, but OMG. I was in the bathroom for well over two hours. It wouldn't stop. I was there, hunched over, tears running down my face while my gut spasmed continuously like it had been stabbed, and the butt cramps cos of sitting down on a plastic seat, loo paper felt like a wire brush.
     
    You know that point when you just want to die and think surely there can't be anything left, and your body cackles and says AU CONTRAIRE. The guy knocked on the door asking if I was ok, actually twisted the doorknob, and I practically screamed DO NOT COME IN. I think I was in there for another quarter hour after that, then finally it ceased.
     
    The relationship actually survived this and continued until natural end several months later. But damn.



  • Worst night I can recall - with new man, who was sleeping over for the first time. Cooked dinner, then had a very rich cheesecake dessert.
    Everything was brilliant until about 2am, when my gut decided NOPE. Don't know if it was combined dayjob/book stress that had my gut a bit delicate then the dessert tipped it over the edge, but OMG. I was in the bathroom for well over two hours. It wouldn't stop. I was there, hunched over, tears running down my face while my gut spasmed continuously like it had been stabbed, and the butt cramps cos of sitting down on a plastic seat, loo paper felt like a wire brush.
    You know that point when you just want to die and think surely there can't be anything left, and your body cackles and says AU CONTRAIRE. The guy knocked on the door asking if I was ok, actually twisted the doorknob, and I practically screamed DO NOT COME IN. I think I was in there for another quarter hour after that, then finally it ceased.
    The relationship actually survived this and continued until natural end several months later. But damn.

    I once worked with a Greek guy who was still living with his mum well into his thirties and had lived a sheltered life. I swear he was still a virgin. He was horrified when I told him females farted. I think this story would have killed him.



  • Oh now this is my favourite thread. I laughed loudly at Antipodeans post and Barbarians.
    Antipodean, do you like spicy food now?
    I love it so so much. When I moved to England a korma would have been too hot. After 7 years there I was eating phal and raw chilli remaking on the taste rather than the heat.



  • I like Indian and Thai now. I will eat a madras or rogan josh, although I recognise most people don't consider that spicy. Don't mind a red curry either, I just make sure I have beer on hand to cleanse the palate. The wife adds chilli to almost anything and finds it amusing if she forgets whose plate is whose.
     
    I think I'd have a cardiac arrest if I ate a phall.



  • Worst night I can recall - with new man, who was sleeping over for the first time. Cooked dinner, then had a very rich cheesecake dessert.
    Everything was brilliant until about 2am, when my gut decided NOPE. Don't know if it was combined dayjob/book stress that had my gut a bit delicate then the dessert tipped it over the edge, but OMG. I was in the bathroom for well over two hours. It wouldn't stop. I was there, hunched over, tears running down my face while my gut spasmed continuously like it had been stabbed, and the butt cramps cos of sitting down on a plastic seat, loo paper felt like a wire brush.
    You know that point when you just want to die and think surely there can't be anything left, and your body cackles and says AU CONTRAIRE. The guy knocked on the door asking if I was ok, actually twisted the doorknob, and I practically screamed DO NOT COME IN. I think I was in there for another quarter hour after that, then finally it ceased.
    The relationship actually survived this and continued until natural end several months later. But damn.

    Loosened by anal?



  • Loosened by anal?After all this time I'm not at all surprised you went there



  • Me neither.



  • That's not an answer



  • Hahaha!!!



  • Back in my student curry eating days...
    One evening after a few beers we go to the usual establishment where my mate asks for the hottest curry they can make. The waiter points to Phal on the menu, but my mate shakes his head, says no he wants the hottest they can physically make.
    Waiter smirks and trots off. 10 mins late the chef and all the waiters come out together carrying a silver platter with a very red and angry curry on it.
    Everyone stops serving and they all gather round the table. My mate takes one mouthful and it nearly kills him, it's virtually all chilli with a bit of chicken. However he must save face so he eats the lot as fast a he can. All the waiters, chefs etc give him a round of applause.
    He washes it down with a few more beers and says miraculously he feels fine.
    The next day however he spends mainly on the loo, and is in so much pain for so long he actually starts weeping on the toilet.
    Curry 1 Cocky student 0



  • Went for a drive up to the Blue Mountains one Sunday, when the kids were younger. On the way back we stop at Richmond and stretch our legs in the park, and look around for some lunch.
    Mrs TA, feeling nostalgic, points out a little burger shop across the street. Sweet! One with the lot, thanks. Fucking top work.
    Get home, and I'm feeling a bit sleepy, so lie down for a nap. Wake up ten minutes later feeling a bit tight in the guts, like when you've got a liquid one happening, and head for the shitter.
    Rumble. Gurgle. Things are moving BUT IN TWO FUCKING DIRECTIONS!
    Fortunately it was the upstairs bathroom, and the boy was still young enough to use one of those step stools to brush his teeth, that converted into a potty. Threw the lid off that fucker, sat it on my lap and proceeded to give my abs the kind of workout people pay a gym instructor good money for.
    Honestly thought I'd torn something, and nearly passed out from the strain and/or lack of oxygen as I failed to clear airway for what seemed like five minutes.
    As I sat there, gasping, not really happy to have survived, another problem immediately became apparent: putting that bucket of stomach lining down on the floor and having to delight in its foul miasma, while having to clean up the equally rank mess happening in the confines of the throne after the hissing sound stopped.
    Was a long time before I went back to a greasy spoon, and even today, as I'm unwrapping a burger from the local, I sometimes have to give myself a little pep talk, while surreptitiously locating the nearest facilities.



  • [media]



  • my general rule when cooking for myself if that pretty much anything tastes better with chilli in it. I like heat when it brings out flavour but not painful heat, so I'll add a few bird eye chillis and leave it at that. I don't get the ring of fire the next day.
    I once tried a sauce called Pain 100% - I had to gargle my tongue in milk for 30 mins before the pain went away. Not pleasant, someone should give that sauce a health warning or something...
    Sriracha chill sauce on the other hand is a taste sensation.



  • my general rule when cooking for myself if that pretty much anything tastes better with chilli in it. I like heat when it brings out flavour but not painful heat, so I'll add a few bird eye chillis and leave it at that. I don't get the ring of fire the next day.
    I once tried a sauce called Pain 100% - I had to gargle my tongue in milk for 30 mins before the pain went away. Not pleasant, someone should give that sauce a health warning or something...
    Sriracha chill sauce on the other hand is a taste sensation.

    I'm a hot sauce fan too, like craft beer there seems to be so many options now when in the past it was tabascos or nothing. Huffmans ( I know the guy who does that really well ) and Kaitaia Fire are probably the best NZ ones.......hot enough for a bit of a kick but not ridiculously so, really nice flavours overall.



  • Samples a great hot sauce today at the matakana markets. Was called the kicker and far our almost blew my head off. Had to quietly bolt to get a drink so didn't buy it but will find out who makes it and if I can get online



  • My two best stories (neither will compare to Dogmeat or Barbs though) are one from me and one from a good mate. First one was me and a mate going to the local curry house and both ordering a balti chicken chilli masala. Neither of us considered that the bloody turks in the restaurant would know a balti from a falafel, so we ate it. OK we thought and commenced the walk home. I got to about two hundred yards from my house and suddenly had the gripes, just  turned to my mate and told him I had to go. All I could hear for two hundred fucking yards was his screaming laughter as I ran like an ostrich with a large dildo up its arse. Running at high speed whilst simultaneously trying to keep your arse cheeks clamped together is no mean feat. I actually managed to get the key in the door first go (very important) and made it upstairs without soling myself. As I sat down the balti chicken chilli masala left my arse like a flock of sparrows, leaving behind a God awful burning sensation. My mate's laughter was still ringing in my ears, so i thought I'd call him and explain the misery I'd endured. No answer. When I spoke to him a few days later he said he thought it was me on the phone but that he himself was rather  busy cleaning himself up. He lived about half a mile from my place.
     
    Second one was another mate who was going on a train journey and had a rank curry the night before and then compounded this by having a few pints prior to said train journey. On the way to the station the cramps came on so he popped into Marks and Spencers to use their loos. Didn't quite make it and had shat himself, but not thoroughly. So he cleaned himself up in the toilets and abandoned his underwear and being very worried about the state of his trousers, he purchased a new pair (no, he did not try them on, that would not have been the decent thing). Paid for the new trousers, grabbed his bag and ran for the station. He got on the train and went straight to the bog, ripped off his slightly soiled trousers, chucked them out of the window, then opened up his M&S bag and pulled out a V neck jumper.



  • I can only remember one time when the food poisoning got me at an inopportune time. 
     
    On a family holiday around the South Island when i was 15 or 16, family of 6 packed in a van driving around. Lunch at a dodgy bakery, and i made the mistake of the chicken filled roll. A bit later on during the drive i felt the first rumblings, and tried to release pressure with a fart. Big mistake. Squirt. Oh fuck. Look around car, no reaction from anyone else. phew. down goes the window, and I'm too embarrassed to say anything. Rumblings are still going on, thankfully we were about to stop, so i sat there in my filth. 
     
    Stop was some old historic mining site, i think "awesome, there will be a toilet, and no people". Wrong, and wrong. No toilet, and like 20 other people in a small area. Oh fuck now what. Wandered off to "look around" found a quiet corner behind a rusting steel bin. Sneaky look around, and then squatted down. Pulled off the pants, and my shitty undies, and with 20 strangers no more than 20m away, squirted my guts out straight on the ground. Wiped with the undies, threw them in to the bush, covered the puddle with dirt like a dog, and surreptitiously sauntered away from the scene of the crime. Managed to make the next toilet before the next attack. Last chicken filled roll i ever ate.





  • I can only remember one time when the food poisoning got me at an inopportune time. 
     
    On a family holiday around the South Island when i was 15 or 16, family of 6 packed in a van driving around. Lunch at a dodgy bakery, and i made the mistake of the chicken filled roll. A bit later on during the drive i felt the first rumblings, and tried to release pressure with a fart. Big mistake. Squirt. Oh fuck. Look around car, no reaction from anyone else. phew. down goes the window, and I'm too embarrassed to say anything. Rumblings are still going on, thankfully we were about to stop, so i sat there in my filth. 
     
    Stop was some old historic mining site, i think "awesome, there will be a toilet, and no people". Wrong, and wrong. No toilet, and like 20 other people in a small area. Oh fuck now what. Wandered off to "look around" found a quiet corner behind a rusting steel bin. Sneaky look around, and then squatted down. Pulled off the pants, and my shitty undies, and with 20 strangers no more than 20m away, squirted my guts out straight on the ground. Wiped with the undies, threw them in to the bush, covered the puddle with dirt like a dog, and surreptitiously sauntered away from the scene of the crime. Managed to make the next toilet before the next attack. Last chicken filled roll i ever ate.

    Actually that does remind me of a time I took my youngest boy for a dump in one of the toilets near the park a few years back. I opened the door for the first cubicle and saw a white lacy G banger covered in shit and blood right in the middle of the floor. Must have been one hell of a night.  
     
    "why did that lady leave her undies Dad, was she sick?
     
    Who knows my son, who knows.



  • Had a bad one out rockfishing by myself early one morning. All of a sudden it just came on super fast and I knew I had to go or there would be trouble. Thankfully I was pretty remote and there was no one else around so I just removed my daks and found a rock ledge i could lean back off over the water, as there was no way I'd leave anything about the high tide mark. Also took my socks off as knew I would need something to wipe with. Put one aside for later (just incase) and the other was hanging out of my pocket for easy access.
     
    All went fine and the wreckage squirted straight in to the sea like I'd done it a hundred times before. Had just finished wiping when I paid the price for taking my eyes off the sea and I got hit from behind with one of these waves that are bigger than all the others. Did well not to fall in but was saturated from head to toe. Ended up having a swim before starting the walk back as I wasn't sure whether any of the freshly disposed wreckage had come back on to me with the wave.



  • All I'll say is many of these stories are genuinely funnier than bad shit scenes you see in movies. So much imagery invoked....Top marks fellas.



  • All I'll say is many of these stories are genuinely funnier than bad shit scenes you see in movies. So much imagery invoked....Top marks fellas.Mokey needs to switch to trying her hand at a toilet humour novel, plenty of material here



  • Mokey needs to switch to trying her hand at a toilet humour novel, plenty of material here

    When toilet humour surpasses romance as the number one, multi billion dollar a year genre, I totally will.



  • you know there is a market for a fusion right?



  • On the food poisoning front, I once awoke early in the morning after a big night out and instantly knew I was in trouble. It was like a nauseous hangover plus the raging shits at the same time.
    I ran to the loo and experienced my first ever three-way splash. It was basically a total evacuation.
    Problem was that the basin was just a little bit too far away while sitting on the loo, but I got around that initially - while my lower half was busy ejecting, I could just about projectile vomit into the basin.
    After the initial waves of nausea, cramps and panic subsided I remember feeling I dealt with it pretty well considering. I was catching my breath when another sudden urge to spew hit me. I stood up to get a bit nearer to the basin, but the strain of vomming caused another shit spray from the rear.
    Needless to say I ended up missing both loo and basin - a massive clear up operation ensued.



  • Havent had any of the disasters you guys have had but when my son was about three I went into placemakers on xmas eve just before they closed. I had him in my arms at the checkout and was thinking he looked a bit green around the gills when he suddenly projectile vomited blueberry yoghurt and whatever else was in his stomach all over him, the counter and me. 
    Mostly over the counter though, the harridan behind the till glared at me and said "thanks alot " as I handed her the money and bolted leaving her to clean up the mess.


Log in to reply