Joan Collins, the cleft palate of palettes

The Nice Guys (2016) vs Fargo (1996)

Watched these 2 back-to-back and cannot fucken believe their respective RT scores. The Nice Guys, which seemed like a clunky 15% tryhard piece of shit to me, gets 92% from RT. Fargo, which I was goddamn SURE would get a perfect fucken 100%, and couldve been the best fucken film I've ever seen, is a paltry one, fucking ONE, percentage point better at 93%. THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. The Nice Guys gets man spooge shot up its clacka by the critics but iHomo the "buddy comedy" chemistry between Ryan Gosling as a dippy detective and fat guts Russ Crowe was just clanger after clanger after flop after flop. It just wasn't working. Time after time. Plus the entire thing was a blatantly transparent steal of everything from The Big Lebowski minus ANY of the charm, guile, wit or fucken anything. Copied the elusive LA starlet hunt, the bowling, the nasty rich moneybags who fucked them around, even the dropping a smoke in the crotch while driving bit. Fuck me, I half expected them to shoehorn Jackie bloody Treehorn in there and just be done with the whole charade. Why fucken 93%? Fargo was in a different goddamn class right across the board compared to that "Nice Guys" tryhard spermranch of gelding afterbirth.

The Accountant (2016)

The Japanese title is "The Consultant."

wft is the difference you anal little cunts.

SPOILERRR Ben Affleck the Batman stars in this one as an autistic uber-nerd accountant. Then, halfway through the film, it is revealed that, hello, Batpants has another skillset. He can also fight like John Rambo and Bruce Lee long-playing 33's going around at 45 fucking rpm. He shoots no less than 68 people directly in the face in this film. With a silencer. For stealth. Not bad for 2 hours work from a bean counter. Arnie would've said "Bill me" with perfect timing as the Cavean query mark of cordite wafts up from Corpse #69.

Body count was off the charts here, especially considering as for the first hour BatBen was mild-mannered Bruce Wayne, the aspergers klutz. Felt like an ethnography watching Batbutt and the chick, the gorgeous athletic popular people, pantomiming as autistic and awkward losers. Ching, ching motherfuckers!

51% on RT.

I enjoyed it though. It went shooty shooty interspersed with spells of BatBeany forgetting he had crippling aspergers and was actually a brazenly-confident & fearless murdering machine, shooting baddies in the nutsacks with the motherfucking anti-aircraft gun he'd rigged up in his garage. "Accounting 101, baby" Arnie would've said, chomping down on his cigar as he prepares to mulch an entire yard of home intruders into blood and bone compost. I could write this shit.

All set up for a franchise as BattyBoy drove off into the sunset. 51% on RT might be a hard sell to the studio execs on that front though.

as adverts for the sport go, this is 2009 AB's vs Italy.

If you listen closely you can almost hear people all over America wandering off to do the dishes, or polish their shoes, or clean the toilet, or go outside and stare into the sun, ANYTHING more fun than watching this game.

one of the most uneventful halves of football I have ever seen. Jared Goff? More like fucken Phil Goff

dunno if this one has been covered as the search function is busted but...

Patriots Day (2017)

1/10

Cosplay reenactment of the Boston marathon bombing. Starring Marky Mahk and his Funky Bunch. SPOILER: the funky bunch are all dressed as cops in this one. So cute! Anyway, I was prepared to hate this major motion movie picture based purely on its cockwailing seppowrench of a premise. The title, the theme, the actor. But actually, it looked really well done. Got a good score on RT.

Started pre-race, setting up the various "characters" in their abodes, yeah these'll be the heroes, presumably later in various stages of "what do you mean my leg is fucking GONE?"

Shit, I dunno if I can watch this.

Confession Time: once the bombing ended, and the gory ER amputee porn kicked, in I stopped watching. I'm sorry! Yeah, fuck that shit. Mr fucken Magoo could see how this one pans out. Cue the music, we're gonna GET doze terrorists. Uhh, if you're all such "patriots" then why did you treat those different looking fellas like such cunts for their whole lives in America, marginalising them, and, hello, playing no small part in turning them against you into radicalisation? Oops, dont mention that part. Cue da music! Fucking a-raaaabss...

So without having seen 75% of this movie I can safely say your basic seppo will crack a MASSIVE fat over this one. It's got everything they need. Marky Mark, terrorists, blood, bad guys, da good guys, da bombs, da guns

Another confession time; I was hoping Marky Mark would get his nutsack blown clean the fuck off in this one. Now THAT'S a happy ending in my book. Alas it was not to be. Hollywood doesnt put out many 30-minute major motion movie blockbusters. No, you'll need 2 more hours of heartwrenching, weeping, soaring strings, amputee porn, heroic officers of the law, kleenex to wipe your tears and jizz smeg off the bandaged stumps, and happy endings.

Fucken shitty little bombs in rucksacks.

Dumbarse seppos, here's what a real fucken terrorist looks like:

Miss Universe

Dick in hand, I sat my barge-arse sexist fuckpig self down to watch this disgusting display of female form objectification.

Miss South Africa was my pick right from the start. She was hotter than the midday sun if you were on the actual sun at midday. SMOKING hot with a side order of FIRE. Too bad she fucked up her answers and blew it at the end to finish 2nd.

Miss Spain was an actual tranny. WFT. She made it to the last 20 too. How does that make the other losers feel? Poor old fat guts Miss New Zealand sitting at home crying into her Pringles tube, "for fucks sake, I cannot believe I lost to an actual fucken tranny."

It's weird how some of the wimmin did not look anything flash. Miss Great Britain, ffs, she was you wouldnt even give her a second glance in the pub average.

Albeit being 8 million strata above my rooting parabolii, the bottom 10% of the sheilas looked like they'd been bashed in the face with a shovel at birth.

fucken Mr Giselle, Darth and Lee Harvey Edelman jimmy their way to another Superbowl. Fuck you Darth and your murderously-efficient game management.

D.Ford you absolute fucktard. You had ONE thing to do. ONE fuckign thing. Stand in your own half of the field. FFS, I could do that. Interception called back. No longer game over