Parenting
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Seriously, how fucked is it trying to raise kids?
You're cruising along, thinking you are doing a pretty good job, your eldest gets in to both high schools he applied for, school goes okay, then bang!
In the space of 10 days i find out the eldest bought a couple of hundred bucks worth of stuff in his fucking video games on the credit card. And we're 95% sure the only way he was able to pull it off was by going in to his mum's phone first and changing the settings. Which makes it so much worse.
Then you get a phone call because they have been swearing and saying inappropriate shit in front of the neighbour's toddler. Which is a fucking embarrassment.
Now, i'm the firs to admit i'm not the best dad. I'm not patient enough. I'm quick to anger. And there are far too many times when i just want to chill out rather than do things with my kids. At the same time i am fucking soft on them, because they have ground me down to the point where it's easier to do shit myself than deal with the whinging of asking them to do it. And the half assed job they would inevitably do.
When i grew up, we didn't have much, and i was kept inline with floggings. I think i have gone too far the other way trying to give my kids a better childhood (not that mine was bad, don't get me wrong, just different). Then it gets thrown in my face with this shit.
I honestly don't know what to do next. How the fuck do you discipline kids who don't seem to give a fuck about anything?
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@mariner4life said in Parenting:
How the fuck do you discipline kids who don't seem to give a fuck about anything?
going through that with my 11 yr old this morning.
She does not care if we take away her devices, couldnt give a rats about anything. Bedtime, fucks around antagonising her brother, and he cant help himself and react, then he gets in touble as well.
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@taniwharugby said in Parenting:
She does not care if we take away her devices, couldnt give a rats about anything. Bedtime, fucks around antagonising her brother, and he cant help himself and react, then he gets in touble as well.
well, that's familiar
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How old??
I'm not a parent but was brought up in the same era as you with smackings as a punishment which was enough to not to want a repeat dose.
Is it possible to do the ole, "you want to be treated like an adult, then act like one" and don't do anything for them. Don't prepare Breakfast/Lunch/Dinner, don't run errands for them etc etc, to show them how tough it is when you have a fend for yourself (despite not having to pay rent etc)
Again, I'm not a parent so just pick up what I see from Family Guy/American Dad...….
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@Hooroo 11 and 8 (basically 9). They are a little young for "fend for yourself"
That's also was easier said than done. You need to make sure they are fed (properly). You want them to play teams sports. They can't get to school/sport without being driven.
There is also the guilt that comes from two parents that work full time. That can lead to bad decision making.
Also punishing them often leads to punishing yourself. So selfishness also gets in the way.
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@mariner4life said in Parenting:
Also punishing them often leads to punishing yourself. So selfishness also gets in the way.
yep, gets to the point where you cave as it makes your life easier...
In my house I'm the tough one.
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@taniwharugby said in Parenting:
@mariner4life said in Parenting:
Also punishing them often leads to punishing yourself. So selfishness also gets in the way.
yep, gets to the point where you cave as it makes your life easier...
In my house I'm the tough one.
i guess in ours too? Certainly the one that says no the most (prob my default answer). Definitely the yeller
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Again, I'm not a parent so just pick up what I see from Family Guy/American Dad...….
Gold!
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@mariner4life ha I get that too...I know you will say no, but...
Since lockdown, I have managed to reduce the angry-dad stuff, remain calm, but by-fuck my daughter does my head in with her attitude and mood, cant wait until the next step in her development happens (which aint gonna be far away...)
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@mariner4life Yep sounds like your a shit parent and it’s all your fault...
But seriously it’s great isn’t it. I have 2 daughters 8 and 10. The 10 year is so up and down. One hand she can be the sweetest thing always wanting to help and please you. Do little jobs she’s great to with the care kids ( wife does home based childcare) but then like a switch she flips and becomes the most horrid thing. Smart mouth, picks on her younger sister just bordering on nasty. Gets caught out in lies and the more you call her in it the louder she yells back. Generally resulting in a tantrum in her bedroom that can last some time.
Not sure if having girls is any easier then having boys.
It gets easier right?
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@taniwharugby said in Parenting:
@mariner4life ha I get that too...I know you will say no, but...
Since lockdown, I have managed to reduce the angry-dad stuff, remain calm, but by-fuck my daughter does my head in with her attitude and mood, cant wait until the next step in her development happens (which aint gonna be far away...)
Isn’t it expected of us dads to be angry and grumpy?
Kids today ( cliche I know) are really really lucky they are bought up in this era. How many of us felt the wrath of our parents mum and dad when we acted up?Didn’t any of us any harm.. oh wait...
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@taniwharugby said in Parenting:
@mariner4life ha I get that too...I know you will say no, but...
Since lockdown, I have managed to reduce the angry-dad stuff, remain calm, but by-fuck my daughter does my head in with her attitude and mood, cant wait until the next step in her development happens (which aint gonna be far away...)
Kids today ( cliche I know) are really really lucky they are bought up in this era. How many of us felt the wrath of our parents mum and dad when we acted up?
Didn’t any of us any harm.. oh wait...
I kind of disagree with this. I am happy I was brought up in the era I was brought up in. I learnt lessons that stuck with me and it shaped me as an adult.
I think the kids, from what I see, are unlucky to be brought up without discipline.
Seeing it creep into work too. We interviewed a guy recently that looked good on paper but all he wanted to know was about job flex and working from home.
I just had to tell him it simply wasn't an option in this type of role.
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@taniwharugby said in Parenting:
@mariner4life ha I get that too...I know you will say no, but...
Since lockdown, I have managed to reduce the angry-dad stuff, remain calm, but by-fuck my daughter does my head in with her attitude and mood, cant wait until the next step in her development happens (which aint gonna be far away...)
Kids today ( cliche I know) are really really lucky they are bought up in this era. How many of us felt the wrath of our parents mum and dad when we acted up?
Didn’t any of us any harm.. oh wait...
I kind of disagree with this. I am happy I was brought up in the era I was brought up in. I learnt lessons that stuck with me and it shaped me as an adult.
I think the kids, from what I see, are unlucky to be brought up without discipline.
Seeing it creep into work too. We interviewed a guy recently that looked good on paper but all he wanted to know was about job flex and working from home.
I just had to tell him it simply wasn't an option in this type of role.
I think I was brought up in the same era as you and if I was going for a new job I'd definitely be asking for WFH options (at least one day a week) to go with my 4 day work week.
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@Hooroo I hear stories all the time (not just up here) of guys employing young fellas these days, and thier work ethic is pretty shit (generalisation I know)
They stop to look at thier phones every 5 sec, vape, need sick days all the time, dont turn up, late...it is certainly different environment to when I got my first jobs.
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@Hooroo I think just because people (most) aren't using physical discipline that discipline has gone out the window. But I figure that you weren't making a blanket statement there.
I reckon the non-physical discipline approach is more taxing. You're going through all those anger/annoyance triggers (especially when tired... so all the bloody time) that @mariner4life mentioned to then work out alternate strategies, what to say, how fast to escalate, and all that jazz. In saying that even at my most tired and wound I just don't consider any kind of smack - but I definitely yell and play the guilt card. Which then makes me feel guilty once I calm down.
Given we've got a nearly 4 year old there are limits on what you can communicate or get across. Can only imagine the challenges as she (and her lil bro) get older. We just keep reinforcing taking some deep breathes when you get angry/sad/upset, then a variety of ways to calm shit down. Hopefully it's laying a foundation for some type of self regulation but who knows!
Guess my takeaway is cutting yourself some slack and that our kids are going to do some dumb and borderline psycho shit at times. My background is in education and psychology, especially development and learning. But fucked if knowing about how young brains are wired helps a lot in the heat of the moment!
Umm so yeah, I don't really have much advice soz brah. But for what it's worth I think the vast majority of us ferners are GCs and good parents. While I'd be terrified of what you might do at my 21st (if you were my dad) I think your kids have a really good bloke as a dad.
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@taniwharugby well they are probably resigned to decades of student loans, never owning a house, a crippling future tax bill supporting old folks, and a general malaise about the state of the world!!
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i still give my kids the occassional smack, but it's fucking rare, they have to have been really fucking bad, and i always feel like a piece of shit afterwards. I think the last one my youngest got the shits for losing NBA and chucked the playstation remote at his brothers head hard enough that, because it missed, it dented the wall. I could have killed him.
Certainly absolutely nothing like the floggings i got as a kid. Holy shit. One open hand on the ass compared to repeated whacks with the wooden spoon, or metre ruler, or what ever the weapon of choice was at that particular time.
I am trying really hard to focus on that 80:20 thing. If i am a good parent 80% of the time, and a bad parent 20% of the time, i am going okay.
But when the behaviour of the last couple of weeks raises its head...
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When the kids Girl 9 and Boy 6 get past the listening/reasoning stage I calmly start taking their doors off and say 1 day 1 week or 1 month, if they haven't settled i move straight to the next time frame, now by the time I get to 1 week you can see the already know they need to change their additude and fast.
Also helps to grease pins before the situation to avoid losing it just because you can't get the door off
And of course stick to the time line, don't put it back on for good behavior but use any requests to reiterate that this is what happens with bad behavior
Not so much fun when kids are like this but in some sence it's good to know that it is still somewhat normal
It was also only this Tuesday that their doors went back on too
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Again, I'm not a parent so just pick up what I see from Family Guy/American Dad...….
My wife and I love that show - so neatly reflects the era (or at least our experiences).
I don't have kids, but I am the eldest so I got to witness my parents becoming more laissez faire. Speaking to friends about raising kids and starting strict turning to "who gives a fuck, nothing works, they don't listen" I'm convinced that kids go through rebellious stages. Ideally you want that earlier in life as the multiplier of teenager/ young adult years makes bad decisions have the propensity for being much worse.
What else can you do other than set expectations, enforce the boundaries and seek consistency in punishment? Then hope they don't turn into fuckups.
Take comfort that every parent I know who is honest makes the same complaints. No doubt ours did too and we're ok.
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@Blackeye really good point bro. You have to set clear repercussions and give them time to digest. Not just surprise them. But again that ain't always easy to do!!
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Nobody's perfect, cut yourself some slack. It's not easy.
We have had similar issues to what you describe, although my kids are younger. Boredom seems to be the best weapon.
Take away internet/allowance/lifts to friends/sport/whatever and have them earn stuff back.
Reward good behaviour, starve bad. Read a book on parenting toddlers once saying that kids crave any attention, good or bad. So if you have to feed the good attention, and try not to react as much to the bad. Was for toddlers, but my minimal experience with teenagers they seem to be fucking the same.
My kids have discovered divide and conquor so have to triple check I'm not condradicting the wife.
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Take their bedroom door off it’s hinges,
I’m saving that punishment for when they get a bit older. Kids love their privacy.
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@Virgil haha my almost 15 yr old would hate that!
He has been spending alot of time in there talking to a girl on the phone this last couple of weeks, he doesnt think I know...kids thnk parents are dumb
I remember those days, except with the 5m phone cable attached to the wall!
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Take their bedroom door off it’s hinges,
I’m saving that punishment for when they get a bit older. Kids love their privacy.it's really hard to take cavity sliders out...
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@mariner4life
What about a lock to effectively lock the cavity slider open?
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@mariner4life
What about a lock to effectively lock the cavity slider open?my kids aren't real private, so i doubt they would care
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@mariner4life said in Parenting:
Take their bedroom door off it’s hinges,
I’m saving that punishment for when they get a bit older. Kids love their privacy.it's really hard to take cavity sliders out...
Not if you know what your doing. I’ve done it many times, yes is a prick in a finished house but not ia possible if your willing to cut away the architrave, risk damaging the paint and face the lonely hood of never getting it back inside again...
I manage a door hanging business btw, happy to pop over at your expense to help out...
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@mariner4life said in Parenting:
@mariner4life
What about a lock to effectively lock the cavity slider open?my kids aren't real private, so i doubt they would care
..they will when they get older... I mean what do teenage boys like to get up to on their own...
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@mariner4life said in Parenting:
@mariner4life
What about a lock to effectively lock the cavity slider open?my kids aren't real private, so i doubt they would care
..they will when they get older... I mean what do teenage boys like to get to go on their own...
gawd, i can't even think like that. he's in primary school!!
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@mariner4life said in Parenting:
Take their bedroom door off it’s hinges,
I’m saving that punishment for when they get a bit older. Kids love their privacy.it's really hard to take cavity sliders out...
Not if you know what your doing. I’ve done it many times, yes is a prick in a finished house but not ia possible if your willing to cut away the architrave, risk damaging the paint and face the lonely hood of never getting it back inside again...
I manage a door hanging business btw, happy to pop over at your expense to help out...
I've got one that's dropped, and i am too scared to try and fix it.
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@mariner4life said in Parenting:
@mariner4life said in Parenting:
@mariner4life
What about a lock to effectively lock the cavity slider open?my kids aren't real private, so i doubt they would care
..they will when they get older... I mean what do teenage boys like to get to go on their own...
gawd, i can't even think like that. he's in primary school!!
Gonna happen, we all know that... wait till the room starts to smell funny and there’s crusty old washing stashed under the bed and they ask you how to spell pornhub...
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@mariner4life said in Parenting:
@mariner4life said in Parenting:
Take their bedroom door off it’s hinges,
I’m saving that punishment for when they get a bit older. Kids love their privacy.it's really hard to take cavity sliders out...
Not if you know what your doing. I’ve done it many times, yes is a prick in a finished house but not ia possible if your willing to cut away the architrave, risk damaging the paint and face the lonely hood of never getting it back inside again...
I manage a door hanging business btw, happy to pop over at your expense to help out...
I've got one that's dropped, and i am too scared to try and fix it.
Sounds like the carriage has come away from the mounting plate ( metal thingy screwed to the door (long flat thing) )
You will need to pull it out, but seeing as your place is brand new should be under warranty.. they will just flog your off.. wait till this covid thing dies down and I’ll pop over...
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@mariner4life funnily enough nor are my kids, but it's something they have no control over once it's gone
One thing I have learnt is that everyone's 1 minute advice is to be used only as you see fit, what works for 1 family or child might not work for others.
My mates are putting in pools so as their kids get older they hope it will mean more of their friends spending time at their house - I'm stoked as our kids are similar ages and we'll quite happily send them to theirs. However I do believe a pool like anything else will lose its appeal - but at least there is a plan
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@mariner4life funnily enough nor are my kids, but it's something they have no control over once it's gone
One thing I have learnt is that everyone's 1 minute advice is to be used only as you see fit, what works for 1 family or child might not work for others.
My mates are putting in pools so as their kids get older they hope it will mean more of their friends spending time at their house - I'm stoked as our kids are similar ages and we'll quite happily send them to theirs. However I do believe a pool like anything else will lose its appeal - but at least there is a plan
mine have always had one, and they start to take it for granted. i reckon i use it more than they do.
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what works for 1 family or child might not work for others.
yep, my older one is easier to manage and accepting of punishment and less likely to do something knowing the consequences, whereas the 11 (almost 12) year old, is stubborn AF and sometimes will hand over her phone expecting us to take it when she has been an arse!
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by christ they were well behaved and helpful last night after they were left in no doubt how i felt about their recent behaviour.
See how long that lasts
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@mariner4life well an hours up so I expect the shitstorm has started again?
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@mariner4life said in Parenting:
@mariner4life funnily enough nor are my kids, but it's something they have no control over once it's gone
One thing I have learnt is that everyone's 1 minute advice is to be used only as you see fit, what works for 1 family or child might not work for others.
My mates are putting in pools so as their kids get older they hope it will mean more of their friends spending time at their house - I'm stoked as our kids are similar ages and we'll quite happily send them to theirs. However I do believe a pool like anything else will lose its appeal - but at least there is a plan
mine have always had one, and they start to take it for granted. i reckon i use it more than they do.
My father got sick of us not maintaining the pool. Threatened that if we didn't he'd remove it. I went camping for a week, came back to find extra space in the backyard.
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@Paekakboyz said in Parenting:
@mariner4life well an hours up so I expect the shitstorm has started again?
they're at school, they are someone elses problem
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Step 1 - fuck video games off.
Step 2 - make him apologise to your neighbour
I spoiled my firstborn, my daughter. I'd take her to the warehouse or toy world and buy her something every week until she was 6. My son came along and I dialed it back. My daughter up until her late teens was selfish and a sook. I started emptying her room when she was naughty - toys, books, etc - just left one teddy and her favourite blanket. It never worked though. She'd just cry and cry and cry. I'd feel guilty and move it all back in. All she learned was that dad was a grouchy but ultimate soft touch. The first time I ever got through was with her Nintendo DS. We bought them for the kids as a bribe for upending their lives and moving to Oz. She loved that thing. But she went through a period of being nasty to everyone and ruining things. Like damaging things just because. I told her if she fucked up one more thing I'd smash her DS. She tried me and I snapped it in half in front of her. It worked. She knew I was serious and it lasted for 4 glorious well behaved years...I have documented her mid to late teens and won't rehash.
My son who grew up earning the things he wants and he is defo the more cooperative of the two now. He breaks stuff more because he's clumsy and intuitive and wants to know how things work. As long as that doesn't extend to small animals I think we're good.
I've never taken the belt to the kids or given them island parenting. Don't get me wrong, I've fucken wanted to. In my experience, though it's never too late to discipline your children. You just have to find your own thing that fucks up their lives just enough to make them think about consequences. But not so much that it sends them to therapy or to a clock tower dressed like Neo from the Matrix.
