@junior said in Happiness Scale:
I have a great life. My wife is beautiful, kindhearted and good fun. My wife and I both have great jobs with a decent amount of flexibility, intellectual challenge and very good remuneration. We have a great apartment and I have a nice car. We never want for anything and eat out at nice places regularly. COVID-permitting, we can travel anywhere we want and stay pretty much wherever we want when we get there. We live near the beach in a part of the world where the sun shines all year round. We pay fuck all in taxes. I play golf every weekend with a great group of mates.
If you'd asked me 5 years ago what my perfect life would like, that's pretty much it.
But, to be honest, I'm feeling dissatisfied, restless, irritable and a little helpless. Wife and I are and have been for the past 2 year trying to start a family with very little success. The clock is ticking for her and so we have gone the IVF route, which has taken a real physical toll on her and even more of an emotional toll on us both. We've basically got one more roll of the dice before we give up and live our lives as a childless couple, the hardest part of which is watching my wife come to terms with losing a large part of her "purpose" in life. It's difficult for us both right now to see our many blessings, because the truth is we'd give up almost all of them just to have our own little family.
Still working out what this all actually means in terms of my overall happiness, but a few thoughts include (a) that happiness is a completely relative concept, (b) I may have been wrong about at truly makes me happy, and (c) your own happiness can be massively influenced by the happiness (or otherwise) of others.
With the thread having back to life, it's prompted a lot of reflection and a decision to re-read my first post to see what's changed and to see if I feel any different.
In my life, nothing really has changed. I still have the objectively charmed life described above (slightly more money on account of a mid-year salary increase). But, if I'm honest, I am even more miserable now than I was then.
Our last round(s) of IVF were unfortunately unsuccessful. This did not come as a great surprise - in fact, we had both resigned ourselves to this being inevitable, while at the same time being committed not to give up so long as we had the physical, financial and emotional ability to continue on the off-chance that we would be lucky enough to be blessed with a child (something we both really wanted).
The whole process was really such an emotionally draining experience - building up the determination and optimism to continue despite previous failure and the odds stacked against us, only to fail again - that I completely detached myself from the experience as a coping mechanism. As a result, I am completely lost as to the timelines, what happened when, what the outcome was on each occasion, the discussions had with and advice received from doctors etc.
Anyway, I think it must be about 6ish months since we stopped. Since then, we've both put the blinkers on and buried our heads in the sand. I think we are both still processing the whole awful experience, the outcome and what this means for the future. We therefore don't really discuss this together, and I don't know if we are even ready individually or as a couple to do so. I don't think I am. My wife may be, as demonstrated by her opening up to certain people over drinks at her work Xmas party while completely writing herself off (something which upset me quite a lot, given that the people concerned were not friends and have big mouths).
We had previously discussed what our "Plan C" might be for having kids in the inevitable case that IVF didn't work - we don't anymore. I don't think we currently have the energy or inclination to go through the ball ache of, for example, adoption or egg donation or even to talk about it. I don't think I even want kids anymore - probably more of a "if I can't have them, I don't want them" reaction in reality. Still, seeing friends pregnant or with young children makes me feel sick. Being around friends and their kids - particularly very young ones - is galling. Half the conversations they want to have is either about or hi-jacked by their kids.
The last 12 months at work have been tough. It's provided a convenient pretext to avoid thinking or talking about the personal things that need processing. But it's also considerably added to the malaise, as I've basically missed out on Xmas and New Years due to being so busy since at least October. Added to that is the fact that we couldn't travel either to her home or mine for Xmas because of work, which has made matters worse.
We have some light at the end of the tunnel, with a chance of a decent break in February. But all I want to do is go home and see my friends and family, which seems unlikely to happen. At the very least the chances of it getting canned at the last minute due to border closures seems high. Best case scenario it is going to be a logistical nightmare and cost a fuck ton of money.
You tell yourself that the reason you work hard is to have a nice life and build something for your future and your family. Well, if your future doesn't involve kids, what is the point of working your c#nt off now? I can still have the life I currently live by working about 75% as hard as I currently do.
If you can't use the rare times you get a break from work to travel and visit your friends and family, again what is the point of working your c#nt off in those other times? I would have much more free time and flexibility to take holidays at more convenient times by working about 75% as hard as I currently do.