Weight loss tips for fat cunts

  • Hey team,

    I need some pearls of wisdom from you blokes.

    I want to get back into social sport next year so I need to build up my fitness.  But more importantly, summer is fast approaching and if I want to spend it frying my meat and two veg on Tamarama Beach with Rachel Griffiths and MVJ, I need to shed a few pounds.

    I've been running an hour a day, eating shitloads of celery, not going anywhere near fast food and drinking hard liquor instead of beer, but no real results yet.  Basically I would love to know whether or not there is in fact any truth to the following myths, as I really have no clue:

    It's not how far you run, it's how long you run for.

    The more celery you eat, the more weight you lose.

    You're better off drinking straight liquor (e.g. scotch on the rocks) than beer.

    You're better off eating three big meals a day than smaller meals with snacks in between.

    Sit ups achieve fuck all.

    That's it for now.  Might think of a few more later. Sorry this isn't very rugby related but I didn't know where to post it and if anyone can come up with miracle weight loss tips that don't involve giving up alcohol, I'll owe them a beer.


  • I don't care what else you're doing, if you're running for an hour a day you have to be losing weight unless you're running after the pie van and consistently catching it.

    For that you will owe me a scotch on the rocks, which has become MvJ's drink of choice. If you behave yourself I will invite you in to work to have one or two.

  • You're better off eating five or six smaller meals a day as this gives the bod more chance to work off each helping, you tubby little prick.

    The Pot.

  • [quote]on Tamarama Beach with Rachel Griffiths[/quote]

    Oh yeah - what the fuck??? She has the face of a bloke, but to your credit, great cans.

    Stay away from those Milo smoothies from the shop just behind the beach.

  • White spirits instead of dark - less sugar.

    If you get no results from exercise, change what you do - your body gets used to the same thing.  Circuit training and weights for diversity.  Lay off the carbs, and as shark says, loads of smaller meals is the go.

  • You're a hard man to please shark, Rachel has something not many Aussie birds have; style and class.  And, as you rightly point out, a fine set of jublees.

    MVJ: that's what I wonder about, I run so slowly that I'm not sure how much good it's doing.  I run for an hour but still only go about 9km on reasonably flat terrain.

    Alright voyeurs, straight vodka it is!

  • Eat six small meals a day (boosts you metabilism), drink lots of Green Tea, drink two litres of water a day, drop alcohol intake to one day a week, lower your fat and carb intake (fresh fruit and veg, high protein diet).

    Exercise in the morning for at least 20min, it increases you metabolism for the rest of the day. And there is a difference in getting fit and burning fat, so an hour is good at the right intensity (hard, but not ball bustingly hard).

    Do that for a month, exercising at least three to four times a week and you will lose wieght. Helps to log what you eat and how much you exercise. You'll be surprised how much you cheat.

    Oh, and do simple things like "take the stairs" or walk to places you would normally drive to. Exercise for free.

  • You need to expend more energy than you ingest. Simple as.

    What makes it a hoor is that your body doesn't want to do this. It's homostasis; your metabolism will, insofar as possible, adjust to the demand and input to ensure that you don't burn more than you take in (the good reason for which being that for most of human history, this has helped prevent people starving...).

    Kirwan's points are all good, especially about stairs, etc. Eat more fibre; eat more low GI foods, as they prevent insulin peaks and consequent sugar lows that'll cause cravings for sugary food.

    Do weights. Running alone changes your metabolism to that of a distance runner; you can now run for longer distances at low-medium intensity, but you'll not have muscle the same way you would if you spent the same time playing rugby. Muscle burns energy even when you're doing nothing, and thereby keeps you metabolic rate up so that you can get over the hump of homostasis more easily. Plus it makes you look better on the beach.

    Change your form of exercise so that you're not doing the same thing all the time as well; again, homostasis.

    Vodka straight can help a bit, but given that you can run a car on alcohol, just be aware of how much energy is involved. It does help if you can get laid on a night on the piss, as you can work off a surprising amount of it while horizontal jogging.Â

  • [quote name='Thomond78']
    Vodka straight can help a bit, but given that you can run a car on alcohol, just be aware of how much energy is involved. [b]It does help if you can get laid on a night on the piss, as you can work off a surprising amount of it while horizontal jogging.  [/b]

    C'mon Thomond, these need to be realistic ideas for Barnya.

  • Yes, classy and stylish blouse there Barn...


    But oh, wait a minute, her saving grace(s)...


    Looking pointy, but significantly down on their normal volume.

  • [quote name='Thomond78']
    It does help if you can get laid on a night on the piss, as you can work off a surprising amount of it while horizontal jogging. 

    I'd be bloody surprised at how much anyone would lose in ten seconds?

  • What would these six meals a day consist of? Is there a particular pattern you should follow?

  • If you can be bothered look for a book called South Beach Diet - can't remember the author. Otherwise, here's a small summary:

    For 2 weeks straight:

    • don't eat any carbos after 5pm - so no bread, pasta, rice, potatoes, pizza
    • eat plenty of meat, veges, salads for dinner but none of the stuff above that goes with it
    • don't drink any booze (sorry, I'll get my coat) but if you do make it wine, preferrably red
    • exercise 2 or 3 times a week
    • drink plenty of water
    • try and avoid fatty foods during the day but eat things like - low fat yoghurt, rice crackers, raw cashews, raw almonds, celery, salads (plenty of that but without dressing), low fat cheese (tastes like shit so in small quantities)
    • don't let yourself go hungry so eat a bits of each of the above during the day
    • always eat something for breakfast (as Kirwan says your metabolism works better then)
    • only eat fruit in small quantities otherwise you get too much sugar

    After the first 2 weeks you should've been able to drop 5 kgs or so and for the next 2 weeks you can slowly introduce things back into your diet like whoewheat bread, some rice, etc.

  • Awesome, cheers Coastie.

  • Gentlemen,

    Did some of you miss the bit where YankBarf said he wanted an exercise programme which did not involve laying off the booze?  And let me be the first to tell you, that is not an unreasonable request.

    MvJ agrees with Kirwan about logging your exercise though; I me my runs, and record them on my computer and find it encouraging.

    Also have you tried taking up smoking and replacing meals with cigarettes?

  • I did see that thanks MvJ and did offer to get my coat after suggesting no piss.  Of course it's totally out of the question even thinking about it.  Â

  • What happened to Rachels' welcoming bosom?

  • she is rough.

    Coastie, main reason you lose weight quickly on that diet is because you lose water, which isn't fat.  Its not a long term solution.

    Barn, best advice is to vary the type of exercise, its also better to work for 20 - 30 minutes at a higher intensity than it is to work for an hour at a low intensity, cut down on fat intake and eat smaller meals more often, its advice I should follow myself but don't.Â

  • Speaking of fitness programs - has anyone here tried the Spartan Health regime? (or know someone wjp has) I hear its a worthy book with all the eating, fitness, and health stuff in one place and a no bullshit approach.

    [quote name='shark']
    What happened to Rachels' welcoming bosom?
    Has she had kids? That can contribute to major sagginess if breastfeeding happens.

    Coastie's regime is actually a very good one and I did a couple of those simple things to shed a bit of pork fat a couple of years back (though I put it back on through lack of willpower). My system was:

    1. No carbs after lunch time - so dinner excludes potatoes, rice, and pasta which are three of the big killers. These can be bloody hard to remove because we're conditoned as kids to eat them. If you want to have carbs for breakfast or lunch then feel free because there is a good chance you'll burn them. The problem is carb intake during the evening where you're unlikely to use the energy :nta though your nocturnal goat-pushing activities might help here

    2. Muscle training - things you can do without using equipment. This helps you burn energy and define some shape. Aim to do each of the four once per day in order, and preferably at the same time of day so you can consistently judge your performance. Do a set of each in the order below daily, as many as you can each time, and repeat three times with a 30 second break between each:
      [b]Pushups[/b] - you can vary this by e.g. putting your feet up on a bench instead of on the same level as your hands. That way you work a slightly different part of the muscle.
      [b]Crunches[/b] (NOT situps) - do standard crunches, vary with crossovers, static holds (crunch up and hold for as long as possible - aim to increase by 15 second intervals)
      [b]Chinups[/b] - tough for a fat bastard like me but easier once the weight goes down
      [b]Lunges[/b] (each leg) - has to be done correctly - abs tensed, torso upright, feel the push with your glutes and the stretch through your legs. Don't let your front knee go forward, and get your back knee onto the floor each time.

    If on Monday you did 30 pushups in the first set, but on Tuesday could only do 25, then go through the exercises only once - the idea is to improve your muscle, not continually bash it into submission, and your body needs time to recover. Helps if you log this stuff so you can keep an eye on your improvement not just at the first set, but for ALL the sets. You may not improve radically on the first lot, but your endurance increases so that the second and third are better as time goes by.

    1. Fitness training - I don't run any more due to shin splints but cycle now (not as often as I'd like but daylight saving is here so I'm out of excuses) and as a general rule will do up to an hour or so a minimum of twice a week. Roadwork whether running or cycling is a key to fitness.

    2. Drink minimum 2 litres of water per day and more if you keep exercising hard. Throw away those "Sports Drinks" as they won't really serve you any better. You're going to go to the toilet a lot anyway.

    3. I find that a multivitamin tablet per day helps. If you eat enough fresh fruit and veg then you'll piss half the vitamins out (watch for that bright green stream ) but you've got to make sure that your body has enough juice to keep going.

    Now I'm thinking about doing it all over again and to be frank could bloody do with a significant trim. I did 5 push ups the other night and thought I'd given myself a cerebral haemorrhage

  • body for life - get the book, and follow the eating plan.  basically 6 meals a day etc.Â

    Once you wade through all the yank bullshit, trying to sell you suppliments etc (which you don't need), it is pretty handy.

    I have been following that for about 8 weeks (and have done it before with great results too), and it is working a treat.

    Don't follow their training regime, as have mine own.Â

    I've been rowing on an erg 4 times a week, and weights twice a week.

    Monday - row 5k and 10k (morning / evening)
    Tuesday - row - weights 2 x 5k rows 1 in morning 1 evening before weights
    Wednesday - see monday
    Thursday - see Tuesday
    Friday is usually touch, and perhaps a 20 minute row - just a cruise, not hard out
    Saturday and Sunday, whatever you want to do - if you do nothing over the weekend, you sure hit the ground running on the monday for that fiurst row!!

    Best thing about teh boyd for live eating - one day of seven, eat whatever shit you like, drink what you like, amke a pig of yourself.  However, you start not doing it anyway, as your huinger for the bad foods vanish.

    I have gone from 118 to 107 with first the weights / rowing for last 10-12 weeks, and the eating in the last couple of months.

    Back to my playing weight, 6 years on, look out world, and touch rugby, I am now officially dangerous  :coolsmiley:

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