Straya!



  • I was amused by @mariner4life 's recent post about pythons, goannas and hens eggs and thought (and posted) "Straya!" due to the unique Strayaness of the post.

    Anyone familiar with the works of Terry Pratchett mat have read The Last Continent which includes a line where anything in Fourecks (the Counterweight Continent) that is not poisonous is venomous. Straya!

    Have a couple of Strayan type stories to share but no particular thread in which to share them. So thought I start here.

    First story to follow ...





  • @booboo said in Straya!:

    So ... Am not swimming for a little while ...

    https://7news.com.au/lifestyle/health-wellbeing/irukandji-jellyfish-swarm-to-hervey-bay-as-hundreds-plan-to-ring-in-the-new-year-c-625860.amp

    BTW, those of you cynical about mainstream media ... two of the pictures in the article, the swimming enclosure and the no swimming sign, are somewhere else entirely. They are NOT Hervey Bay nor Fraser Island (no hills like that in the region). (The pier at the top however is.)

    Channel 7.

    Also Straya!



  • "Patients describe the first spate of lower back pain as like having "an electric drill in the lower back".
    Severe and frequent vomiting ensues, followed by sweating and headaches.
    Gershwin says the pain often causes patients to ask doctors to "put them out of their misery".

    Throw in sharks, crocs, spiders, snakes and some fires...

    "The lucky country"...really?



  • @Snowy said in Straya!:

    "Patients describe the first spate of lower back pain as like having "an electric drill in the lower back".
    Severe and frequent vomiting ensues, followed by sweating and headaches.
    Gershwin says the pain often causes patients to ask doctors to "put them out of their misery".

    Throw in sharks, crocs, spiders, snakes and some fires...

    "The lucky country"...really?

    it's lucky that this country is mind-warpingly massive, so all that shit is spread out. We have bad snakes and shit here, but not those nasty spiders you get down south. And snakes generally won't fuck with you if you leave them alone. Except Taipans, those motherfuckers are just evil.

    Crocs are my biggest worry up here. It really limits where you can take your kids camping, because anywhere close to the coast is liable to have a 4m+ saltie just waiting for one of them to visit the waters edge. And they are everywhere. I'm with that mad fluffybunny Katter, time to shoot a few.

    And my bushfire risk is, for the time being, very slight.



  • @mariner4life said in Straya!:

    snakes generally won't fuck with you if you leave them alone

    That "generally" bit doesn't reassure me.

    I'm good here thanks, got stung by a wasp last week, way bad enough for me. You can keep the rest of your critters.

    it's lucky that this country is mind-warpingly massive

    It really is ay. I used to be SYD based and fly HKG- SYD very regularly, it made me laugh when the new cabin crew would come in ask "where are we?" which was code for "are we there yet?". I discovered that they didn't get "shut up Donkey" so I would reply " just entered Aus airspace".

    "Great, not to far to go then".

    The concept of time elapsed versing flight time did seem to mystify some of them.

    We were about half way to SYD.



  • No one has died in Australia from a spider bite in decades.

    Even with snakes as long as you don't panic you've got hours. You just need to minimise movement.

    Salties are creatures of habit.

    Stay out of the water and there's no problem with sharks.

    The most dangerous creatures here are the women.



  • @Snowy you should have seen the size of the wasp i killed on the weekend. bigger than my finger. evil mother fucker.

    The size of Queensland was starkly brought in to focus this time last year when we drove to the Gold Coast. After about 22 hours of driving we hadn't got out of Qld, but it was only another 900km to Sydney.





  • @mariner4life funny you should mention taipans, which was the original inspiration for this thread, just had to find (and resize) photos ...

    Anyway, this is Sammy:
    20191006_093133 - reduced.jpg

    Sammy decided to come and live with us. We are happy about that as it means we have a healthy and diverse natural environment in our backyard. Straya!

    Bloke at work, who by all accounts has done numerous snake training things, advised Sammy was a coastal taipan (refer below). Which is awesome as they are only the third most venomous snake in the world (behind inland taipan and eastern brown). Various sources suggest coastal taipan venom can kill a human in 35 minutes. Which is cool as the ambulance and hospital is only 20 mins away (do the maths).

    Taipans can also apparently actually see you, not just detect your movement like other snakes, and can move quicker than you run.

    This is Misty:
    20190908_070809 - reduced.jpg
    This is Cleo:
    20190303_180625 - Copy.jpg

    Misty is lithe and athletic, and thick as two short planks.
    Cleo is small and insignificant, and plotting world domination.

    Misty and Cleo are the illegitimate offspring of the promiscuity of one of Ms Boo Jr's buddy's farm cats and the local feral toms. Straya!

    This is Sammy now:
    20191023_063154 - reduced.jpg Sammy Ded 1.jpg

    We are sad. It appears Sammy was MURDERED! by Misty and Cleo.

    We found dead Sammy being poked and prodded and tossed around like prey as cats do by Misty. And interestingly we originally found live Sammy as it was being poked and prodded by Cleo (oh bugger, she's got a lizard ... hang on ... that lizard doesn't have legs ... ).

    We like Misty and Cleo.

    Anyways ... old mate who reckoned it was a coastal taipan may have been mistaken. The 'What Snake is That?' FB page ( https://m.facebook.com/story/graphql_permalink/?graphql_id=UzpfSTEwMDAwMDAyMjQ3NDQyMjpWSzoxMDAyMTE2NDkwMTgyNzc3 ) suggests it is a Yellow Faced Whip Snake, which isn't deadly (if indeed they are the same snake.)

    Apparently multiple snakes in this part of the Bay.



  • Pretty much almost stepped on this guy in the chicken shed who got stuck in the netting. I did the right thing and cut him free. A small Red-bellied black snake. I always seem to see them at the last minute and my brain thinks it is a piece of old tyre before the flight or fight instinct kicks in and I jump back and think "Fuck that was close"
    20191208_064336.jpg



  • Just let me clarify this - you were happy with having the 3rd most venomous snake in the world living next to you and it can out run you (I acknowledge that you had a 15 minute time gap before one of you died, so it's all just fine) but personally I wouldn't feel very comfortable with that.

    I also suspect that Misty and Cleo have more clues about snakes than the "bloke at work".



  • @Snowy said in Straya!:

    Just let me clarify this - you were happy with having the 3rd most venomous snake in the world living next to you and it can out run you (I acknowledge that you had a 15 minute time gap before one of you died, so it's all just fine) but personally I wouldn't feel very comfortable with that.

    I also suspect that Misty and Cleo have more clues about snakes than the "bloke at work".

    Oh yeah. Fucking delighted.

    Coincidentally, further to the above and post yesterday in the Podcast thread see link below I stumbled across just now.

    Listen to the intro to see just how delighted you would be to have a coastal taipan anywhere in the vicinity.

    "Conversations" , with Richard Fidler-Sarah Kanowski
    I'm listening to the "Best of 2018: Hunting the deadly coastal taipan" episode from "Conversations" , presented by Richard Fidler-Sarah Kanowski - https://abclisten.page.link/76zfDfptyXKh44gb9. Available now through the ABC listen App - http://bit.ly/ABCradioApp



  • Not snake related.

    I have a 1-year-old collie/kelpie cross. mad as fuck. Great dog though. He doesn't bite or really excessively whine or bark. Kids love him, the Mrs cats(yes plural) fucken hate him but he loves them.

    Anyway a few months ago, one night(11ish) I hear a bat/flying fox outside making a bit of a racket. There are a few fruit trees in my street so I didn't make much of it. Bats are always around. But then it got louder and then I could hear the dog growling. I got out of bed to have a look and my dog is having a fight with a huge fucking bat. There's some back and forth but the dog is getting the best of this thing and it's screaming. I intervene, on the wife's say so and a neighbour shouting at me to "sort it the fuck out". It suddenly started pissing down(I wish I was making this up). My back yard is landscaped chaos. Big fucken boulders everywhere, flax bushes, palm trees...a fucken obstacle course filled with golden orb spider webs. So Im out there trying not to walk into, face first, palm-sized spiders fending off a crazed dog, protecting a winged harbinger of germs and disease. Trying not to slip over in the fast forming puddles in my yard because there is no such thing as drainage in this country.

    I had never minded Fruit Bats until that night. Close up they were kind of cute. However, seeing one walk across the ground in the ungodly manner that it did changed my perspective. If you are ever curious look up "bat walking" on youtube. Nightmarish stuff. There was a moment where I really had to almost belt the dog in order to get him off the bat and I never hit my dog. The weirdest thing happened though. The bat just kind of accepted that I was helping it and never bit me or swiped at me. I was able to pick it up and carefully place(throw) it over the fence to safety. Then I went inside and chopped both my hands off.



  • @booboo Do you get kickbacks for promoting this podcast? 😉

    I've heard the East India book dude on another podcast so might have a listen to it.



  • i like how you gave your cats stripper names



  • @raznomore said in Straya!:

    My back yard is landscaped chaos.

    Aren't you a landscape gardener?



  • @Nepia its an intended look. A natural garden that came with the house. It means low maintenance but an area I never use. re spiders.

    Also gave that up a few years ago. I'm a construction project manager these days.



  • @booboo said in Straya!:

    Sammy decided to come and live with us. We are happy about that as it means we have a healthy and diverse natural environment in our backyard.

    Apologies missed the sarcasm in that.



  • @mariner4life said in Straya!:

    i like how you gave your cats stripper names

    Blame the wife and 16 yo.



  • @Nepia said in Straya!:

    @booboo Do you get kickbacks for promoting this podcast? 😉

    I've heard the East India book dude on another podcast so might have a listen to it.

    I wish.

    Quite literally coincidental re the taipans.



  • @raznomore bats. Stinky virus ridden abominations.



  • @booboo it took me a year, after first moving to Straya, to realise the neighbours were not weed smokers and that smell was bats.



  • One thing I've noticed since moving here is just how hard spiders are compared to NZ.
    I have no real issue with spiders, can have them crawl on my hands without too much of an issue (not so much if it takes me by surprise) and back in NZ or the UK if there were one in the house I'd be more likely to bring it outside than crush it. My partners over the years have generally been terrified so when they've been around and there is an issue with a spider the orders are generally to kill it.

    My first encounter here I was with a girlfriend and a spider was just sitting on an outside wall on a back deck, I get given the killing orders and give what I thought was a good enough tap with the jandal to take it out. Bloody thing didn't die, it landed on the deck a metre or so from me and I swear to god looked at me and ran straight at me. I half moved in fright and then remembering that I should still have the advantage here brought the hammer jandal down hard repeatedly.

    Just last month I was setting up a security camera above my partners front door and I had another incident. Unbeknownst to us at the time due to the motion censor this was all recorded..I'd share it but I'm not sure my Mrs would be comfortable with some internet strangers looking down her cleavage.

    Anyway I had just put the camera up in the right position when she gasped and looking up to the camera pointed out this big spider just up where I was a few seconds ago on a ladder. She gaps it quick inside and comes back with some bug spray giving me the 'kill order'. I got up the ladder and gave it a good spray, it falls to the ground and then just like the last incident it seemed to shake off the blow and this time ran toward my Mrs on the ground, she screams and moves out of the way it then shoots back up the wall toward my level on the ladder I start using the bug spray as a club and eventually pin it under the can. While I held it I get my Mrs to get my jandal and I think deliver some sweet vengeance eventually cutting it in two with a few blows.

    Tough buggers here alright.



  • Fuck bats, stinky squeeky fruit raiding vermin.

    You aren't allowed to handle them without having the required shots, so be happy you aren't dead Raz.

    Approx 47 million of them used to roost in the city, creating entire no-go zones. When the council tried to move them on smelly hippies descended and tried to save them. Just shoot the fluffybunnies and be done with it (hippies or bats, I'm cool with either).

    About 6pm in Cairns there is a shift change, where the cockatoos come back from the forest, and the bats head out. It's a pretty cool sight.

    But also fuck cockatoos, noisy, drunk flying, destructive fucks.



  • I have started chasing any Huntsmen i find out the door. They're not so bad, from a broom handle distance. Fucking things are quick though!

    Have i told my story about the golden orb city at the back of my old place? And my eternal shame when i tried to get rid of it?



  • @mariner4life I need to hear this



  • Thankfully i told this at a mates wedding, and therefore have it typed out

    Picture, if you will, and cloudless, sunny, and therefore hot as balls tropical summer Saturday. I had enlisted a mates’s help to clear and weed-mat the bank back of my house. With most of the clearing done, there was just one part left, just behind the palms at the back of the pool. There was one small problem. Well, a hundred small problems, and half a dozen big, fuck off black ones. Behind the palms was what I would consider a spider city. Golden Orbs had built themselves what was less a web, and more a seething mass straight from your nightmares. Now, if you don’t know what Golden Orbs are, they are big, black, shiny spiders, these ones were about the size of my hand. If you’ve seen that viral photo from Townsville of the spider eating a bird, that was a Golden Orb. Ugly, big. They had also given birth to hundreds of little buggers, running everywhere, and learning off their parents how to terrify fully grown men.

    My first thought was “flyspray, that’ll fuck ‘em” so I crabbed the can of Mortein, and bravely inched up to the web. My partner in the spider genocide was watching safely, 5m behind me. I sprayed. And I sprayed. And I sprayed. Take that you bastards. Awesome, it was working, the little ones were dropping like the flies they ate in one bite. Unfortunatly, I quickly realised that Mortein only made the half a dozen big ones drunk. And everyone knows a drunk Australian is an aggressive Australian. So now we were confronted with 6 drunk, aggressive spiders, whose kids we had just killed. Now what?

    Rake! That’ll do the trick. So I bravely grabbed the rake, and holding it by the very end, I started pulling the house of horrors down (again, my mate is 5m behind me, cheering me on). Eventually this put the rake in contact with a spider. “fuck it, let’s go” I swung the rake and knocked that fucker down. I pulled the rake back for another swing, but lost sight of the spider. over my shoulder “where did it go?” my mate let out a little squeal “its on the rake!” I look down, and the bloody thing is on the bottom of the rake, looking up at me “fuck all of this” I threw the rake accidentally at my mate and legged it. The spider was now heading for him, so he did likewise. So now you have two fully grown men jumping down the rock wall, past the pool, through the pool gate, around the house, and out to the front. At one point I heard a little girl screaming and I thought, that’s weird, I don’t have a daughter” I look around and it’s my mate “aaaeeeeiiii”. I probably could have lived this down, and it would have been one of those “no one must know of this” moments all friends have, if my father in law hadn’t been sitting there watching the whole thing unfold, laughing his ass off at the two soft as shit kiwis terrified of a couple of relatively harmless spiders.



  • @mariner4life said in Straya!:

    Fuck bats, stinky squeeky fruit raiding vermin.

    You aren't allowed to handle them without having the required shots, so be happy you aren't dead Raz.

    Approx 47 million of them used to roost in the city, creating entire no-go zones. When the council tried to move them on smelly hippies descended and tried to save them. Just shoot the fluffybunnies and be done with it (hippies or bats, I'm cool with either).

    About 6pm in Cairns there is a shift change, where the cockatoos come back from the forest, and the bats head out. It's a pretty cool sight.

    But also fuck cockatoos, noisy, drunk flying, destructive fucks.

    Just on the bats again, the Hervey Bay colony is somewhat smaller but still huuuge. We don't get the shift change but the evening fly out is still massivy spectacular. The flapping noise of their wings is incredibly loud.

    But don't get shat on. Bat shit is the stickiest horriblest gooeyest carpaint strippiest substance known on this earth.

    Fuck bats.



  • @mariner4life I can imagine having a story like that if it was me that found that!!

    Fucking up nests of wasps* and ants is about as extreme as I need to get here!!

    *I learnt my lesson with those fuckers, and am much smarter than them, which usually saves me...



  • @mariner4life that is brilliant and exactly what I was trying to avoid.

    Many years ago I was a young kid getting over a knee injury spending 6 months living in Brisbane with the old man. He got me a job doing furniture removals to keep active etc and maybe help me sort my knee out(it did not...). One job we went to a retired surgeon's house. He had Parkinson's and had pretty much given up on life 10 years earlier. HIs once resort-like home was now a shit hole surrounded by overgrown, waist height grass and old bits of furniture he'd left scattered about his lawn.

    We were told it was all going on the truck. I looked at all of this shit and thought it should all just be going in a skip. But orders were orders. The first thing I picked up was an ancient TV cabinet. Particleboard veneered shit. It disintegrated immediately. This went on for about an hour. We'd pick something up and it fell apart. The Dr actually had a go at one stage and told us to be more careful with his shit. But he was high on weed and whatever else so we were really just throwing his shit in the back of the truck and headed straight to the tip. We were halfway through when we got to some salvageable stuff. There was a 60s style record player in pretty good nick that one of the other guys picked up. As he did one of the biggest huntsmans I had seen to that point in time jumped out from behind the record player off the wall, flying just past his shoulder. He threw the record player across the room from the fright. The stereo was now fucked as well. We all had a massive laugh for about 20min and then got back into it. I chucked a smeg style 50s fridge on a hand truck and started to roll it out to the street. I was just going past the Dr's deck where he and his adult kids were smoking the reefer when the door of the fridge swung open - amateur mistake to have the door facing sidewards with the hinges against the hand truck - but when it swung open about 10 different sized huntsman came out of this thing. one immediately ran up my arm. I drop the fridge, screamed "fuck this" ripped my shirt off and started furiously rifling fingers through my hair and saying "get it off, get it off".

    I walked. I was done. I went to the truck grabbed my lunch and wallet and called a cab.



  • @raznomore I literally had no clue about huntsman when I moved to Sydney. Cleaned windows with my flatmate for a few months (now a helicopter pilot at white island incidentally), it was his company and he'd been there a couple of years so knew straya.

    He finds a huntsman on one window so asks me to deal with it while he carries on.

    Biggest spider I've ever seen, terrifying but I'd been assured not dangerous. The owner found me a bowl large enough to just fit it and I chased it around the window frame for a minute or two before catching it.

    It was later that day I learn those fuckers can jump metres. Thank fuck that didn't happen, pretty sure I would've been on the first plane home.



  • @booboo said in Straya!:

    @mariner4life said in Straya!:

    Fuck bats, stinky squeeky fruit raiding vermin.

    You aren't allowed to handle them without having the required shots, so be happy you aren't dead Raz.

    Approx 47 million of them used to roost in the city, creating entire no-go zones. When the council tried to move them on smelly hippies descended and tried to save them. Just shoot the fluffybunnies and be done with it (hippies or bats, I'm cool with either).

    About 6pm in Cairns there is a shift change, where the cockatoos come back from the forest, and the bats head out. It's a pretty cool sight.

    But also fuck cockatoos, noisy, drunk flying, destructive fucks.

    Just on the bats again, the Hervey Bay colony is somewhat smaller but still huuuge. We don't get the shift change but the evening fly out is still massivy spectacular. The flapping noise of their wings is incredibly loud.

    But don't get shat on. Bat shit is the stickiest horriblest gooeyest carpaint strippiest substance known on this earth.

    Fuck bats.

    Picture if you will one of your first nights in new accommodation in Brisbane. Quite a few drinks into the evening, you and another officer go outside for a cigarette. It's coming on dusk and you hear what sounds like a pterodactyl landing in the tree you're standing under. Squealing like big girls blouses you race inside, look at each other and start laughing at the spectacle it must have looked to a bystander. What it was was heaps of these little fuckers coming in for the night. They can grow to a kilo in weight each.

    alt text

    The sound of their wings as they took off sounded like they could carry a cow away with them.



  • @antipodean I'm never closing my eyes again



  • Huntsman.

    We did a house and car swap with my Uncle when I was a kid. He's a Kiwi that lived in Aus, he wanted to show his kids around NZ, my folks wanted to see Straya.

    We were all in the car about to leave somewhere near Canberra I think, and my father (the driver) went to wind (yes, wind) the window down, a spider the size of a dinner plate (well to me at the time) was on the door panel. Father screamed, flung open the door and refused to get back in. Mother, who it would be fair to say, wasn't easily flustered, and from a tough upbringing, grabbed a picnic blanket, and the hideous arachnid, and flung it out of the car - directly at my father. It hit him but didn't stick fortunately, as I would have been from a broken home.

    3 kids under the age of 12, and 2 adults in a car for 8 hours. Not a fucking word was spoken.



  • @Snowy said in Straya!:

    Huntsman.

    We did a house and car swap with my Uncle when I was a kid. He's a Kiwi that lived in Aus, he wanted to show his kids around NZ, my folks wanted to see Straya.

    We were all in the car about to leave somewhere near Canberra I think, and my father (the driver) went to wind (yes, wind) the window down, a spider the size of a dinner plate (well to me at the time) was on the door panel. Father screamed, flung open the door and refused to get back in. Mother, who it would be fair to say, wasn't easily flustered, and from a tough upbringing, grabbed a picnic blanket, and the hideous arachnid, and flung it out of the car - directly at my father. It hit him but didn't stick fortunately, as I would have been from a broken home.

    3 kids under the age of 12, and 2 adults in a car for 8 hours. Not a fucking word was spoken.

    yeah, my uncle was on a motorway doing 110 when one walked out from behind the sunshade...



  • I didn't realise huntsmen could leap so far either although its common sense when you look at how fucking big they are.

    Rented a place in Noosa Opened the sun umbrella on the deck and one of the ugly feckers leapt straight at my face.

    Helluva fright I can tell you although I didn't scream like a little girl I too did the end of the broom at arms length thing and pushed it off the deck into the undergrowth.

    Next morning I pulled a pair of shorts on and a fucking enormous Queensland cockroach ran up my groin. I screamed that time. Dirty fluffybunnies roaches.

    Place I lived in Netherlands had a small colony of bats (15ish) in the roof. Was cool watching them fly out of a winters night across the snow. So yes from an early age I did, indeed, have bats in the attic.



  • @dogmeat said in Straya!:

    Dirty fluffybunnies roaches

    it's the fact the fluffybunnies can fly that i hate. seriously, why give the fluffybunnies wings?



  • @mariner4life said in Straya!:

    @Snowy said in Straya!:

    Huntsman.

    We did a house and car swap with my Uncle when I was a kid. He's a Kiwi that lived in Aus, he wanted to show his kids around NZ, my folks wanted to see Straya.

    We were all in the car about to leave somewhere near Canberra I think, and my father (the driver) went to wind (yes, wind) the window down, a spider the size of a dinner plate (well to me at the time) was on the door panel. Father screamed, flung open the door and refused to get back in. Mother, who it would be fair to say, wasn't easily flustered, and from a tough upbringing, grabbed a picnic blanket, and the hideous arachnid, and flung it out of the car - directly at my father. It hit him but didn't stick fortunately, as I would have been from a broken home.

    3 kids under the age of 12, and 2 adults in a car for 8 hours. Not a fucking word was spoken.

    yeah, my uncle was on a motorway doing 110 when one walked out from behind the sunshade...

    That happened to me once just as I'd got the motorbike up to 70mph, one walked across my eyeline on the INSIDE of my helmet visor. Admittedly not huntsman-sized, but quite intimate and close up for first thing in the morning. I somehow had the self control to calmly pull over, remove gloves and helmet, and brush the thing to the roadside. Rather than flail like a maniac. Fuck spiders.



  • Lots of talk about spiders, snakes and crocs, but no mention of the one thing that makes living in Australia almost unbearable. The fucking shopping trolleys. What cnut would design a shopping trolley with four wheels that swivel? Makes the trolley next to impossible to control, and if it wasn't for Mrs Crazy Horse being in charge of the fucking things when we go shopping, I would have ditched this country long ago.


Log in to reply