Mental Illness.
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@dogmeat said in Mental Illness.:
Just give me the chance to struggle say i.
Indeed. You can still have structure. Bacon at 8am, golf at 9, lunch at 1, sailing / fishing at 2, dinner at 7, movie, bed. Random intervals and venues for shagging to add some variety. Insert activities of your choice. The only difference is that it's shit that you want to do.
Meaning, or purpose, tend to be where people struggle in retirement although structure comes into it as you say.
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Given my time of life, this is a discussion I am having regularly. I firmly believe that I will be busier than ever in retirement but doing the shit I want to. As far as I can see the only thing I will miss is the regular salary.
The only issue I can see is what to do with the cat while I travel for 6 mths/year.
Anyone want an adorable (honest - well Yeah nah) cat.
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@Snowy said in Mental Illness.:
Meaning, or purpose, tend to be where people struggle in retirement although structure comes into it as you say.
having had some extended time off, this is what concerns me. I'm really struggling to define my purpose now the major stuff is being checked off ... it's really annoying.
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@dogmeat said in Mental Illness.:
@nzzp Brew more beer?
yeah, that only gets so far and sucks up so much time.
Filling in the time isn't the issue - it's just feeling a bit pointless. I'm really lucky that work (when going well) ticks the autonomy/mastery/sense of purpose. I'm struggling to slow down basically, have always been quite driven and my midlife crisis is trying to find the new meaning.
It'll come - just have to take the time to slow down, de-grump and find it.
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@nzzp said in Mental Illness.:
having had some extended time off, this is what concerns me. I'm really struggling to define my purpose now the major stuff is being checked off ... it's really annoying.
Can relate. It's really easy to kick back in retirement and drift. You have plenty of time and no deadlines, right? I've found I really need to think about and plan my life as the things which regulated much of it - work, kids, mortgage - weren't there anymore.
If you're not careful you can start getting anxious that you're wasting opportunities and time which can be pretty corrosive mentally.
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@nzzp said in Mental Illness.:
@Snowy said in Mental Illness.:
Meaning, or purpose, tend to be where people struggle in retirement although structure comes into it as you say.
having had some extended time off, this is what concerns me. I'm really struggling to define my purpose now the major stuff is being checked off ... it's really annoying.
You need to keep the brain active, we are all used to having a sense of purpose and structure that work provides. Having some sort of part time job to give you purpose, but to not affect your freedom to travel and do other things you enjoy, is difficult to obtain but IMHO ideal
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@nzzp said in Mental Illness.:
@Snowy said in Mental Illness.:
Meaning, or purpose, tend to be where people struggle in retirement although structure comes into it as you say.
having had some extended time off, this is what concerns me. I'm really struggling to define my purpose now the major stuff is being checked off ... it's really annoying.
If it's "only" annoying you're doing well although I suspect that it is a little more than that. It can be a lot more than that for some. Increase in suicide rate is a bit of a clue and it doesn't really ease up either.
@dogmeat said in Mental Illness.:
As far as I can see the only thing I will miss is the regular salary.
Apart from that side of it, any sort of retirement should have some sort of plan. I failed dismally in that regard and in hindsight I should have put as much effort into planning my very early (semi) retirement as I did my career. I failed so badly that I am going back to large jets which I really didn't think that I would do, but kind of looking forward to it. It's hardly meaningful but it's something I suppose.
Maybe this should go in the "happiness" thread but it is what I was getting at earlier about the blurred lines between mental illness and mental health.
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@Snowy said in Mental Illness.:
If it's "only" annoying you're doing well although I suspect that it is a little more than that. It can be a lot more than that for some. Increase in suicide rate is a bit of a clue and it doesn't really ease up either.
Good comment. Annoying at the moment as I'm deliberately tackling it over the next year or so. If things don't shift, then it goes from annoying to concerning.
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As @Smudge said: good thread. There is a lot to unpack with this stuff, and some really interesting things so far.
Agree with the comments about physical = mental links, and those immediately above from @dogmeat and @Snowy about people needing a purpose. Some of them result in that purpose being drawing attention to themselves to the detriment of almost everyone else.
Money is a means to an end - doing what you want - and free time shouldn't be wasted. You hear all the time about guys who hit retirement and degrade pretty quickly. Particularly if they were a workaholic. I'm not and want to be able to retire and still be fit enough to enjoy it.
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All that said: Mental health is often real, unrecognised, and goes untreated too often.
I went through a period of anxiety related to my own physical degradation. It was a spiral, but not to the point of kill-myself like some poor bastards.
I'd seen a counsellor who helped me acquire some tools - mental switches, if you like - to help move past things when they arose. I knew the real issues: Work was pissing me off, and the marital scene was declining (particulary as the MIL's mental health spiralled down). These things fed off each other, and resulted in physical outcomes of that anxiety like ED and insomnia.
When medicos found out my Dad died of heart issues, they put me on a few things, and I will say: beta blockers can fuck. you. up. Ditched those after a period of emotional instability.
What stopped the rot was mainly time. Getting mellow in my old age? Maturing in my 40s?
I couldn't control certain outcomes, but I could "play the game" at work and let people do their thing, even if I thought my option was better. Putting the frustration of my personal life in a box when I walked in the door at work was tough to do; there are so many fuckwits at a large corporation who could set me off.
One HR person even suggested antidepressants. I gave it some thought but then realised I was not actually doing much to help myself.
COVID was a blessing in this regard. Working from home is perfect when you're trying to solve problems:
- Fuckwits can't just come up to your desk and interrupt you in the middle of something important
- I could swear and mutter and wear my RBF all day without issue, as long as I put on a smile during meetings
- You get to shape your day around your life, not the other way around.
I still have my moments, but I'm getting better at moving them aside when they arise. I don't even shout at rugby games on the TV any more.
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@nzzp said in Mental Illness.:
Filling in the time isn't the issue - it's just feeling a bit pointless.
Yep. No answer to that one. Work is a good distraction from trying to find a meaning to life. Do not go down the road of dwelling on that. It is fraught with danger.
@nzzp said in Mental Illness.:
have always been quite driven and my midlife crisis is trying to find the new meaning.
Yep again. Knowing what is going on is great and somewhat helpful. Finding answers is proving to be problematic, for me anyway. I know that it is just a useful expression, but "midlife crisis" does tend to trivialise it a bit given the rise in suicide numbers that I mentioned.
@NTA said in Mental Illness.:
retire and still be fit enough to enjoy it.
Yeah, but you can chuck it in too early as well I think. It's probably changing rather than retiring I suppose. I'm physically fitter than I have been for the last couple of decades, mentally not so much (if we are talking "happiness" again). The absolute worst is when you have neither. The very darkest of places to be seen there.
It's all learning. The odd thing is that one of the things that started me feeling better was learning again. I started studying psychology to find out what was going on in my own head (and others) and that act of studying was part of a remedy (for me anyway).
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@Snowy said in Mental Illness.:
It's all learning. The odd thing is that one of the things that started me feeling better was learning again. I started studying psychology to find out what was going on in my own head (and others) and that act of studying was part of a remedy (for me anyway).
I decided to learn Italian. Downloaded and paid for Duolingo app, spend about 10-15 minutes every morning the last 3 weeks on it learning the basics and some of the subtleties. The boy did some at high school as well.
(However it is a fucking punish sometimes having a wife with an Italian background - she'll just ask us random questions about names or phrases, then get all superior about it. Pardon me for not growing up surrounded by your mother tongue. Jeez... I should have done Russian)
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@NTA said in Mental Illness.:
Particularly if they were a workaholic.
I was. Then I decided I wanted to be able to live to retirement.
I'm fortunate I think in that I have a lot of 'hobbies' that I simply don't have the time to enjoy. Plus some new shit I'm keen to get into to challenge me. Also travel. Want to travel slowly. Rent a place in (e.g.) Istanbul for six weeks. My travel bucket list is long.
I also have spoken to the owner of my local craft bar about potentially doing a few shifts and he was interested, but I'm not so sure I want to be on the other side of the bar.
Hopefully I'm not deluding myself. I guess time spent on the Fern will be the canary.
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Everyone needs a plan, a bit of struggle to get there, and that feeling of achievement/tiredness/fuck me. My group of friends' mantra is, "Everyone needs projects." Usually followed by, "What the fuck else are you going to do?"
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On meaning, my life is all consumed with 3 young boys at the moment, and my job/career has gone well so that keeps me busy too. But I'm very conscious of when the boys get older and move out, I'll have to have a plan to replace that as they'll need me less and less and work (in its current form) will only get me so far. I've thought about teaching at primary school level, and even enrolled at teachers college after Uni before pulling out to pursue a career in tech. I feel like making a difference in kids lives would be one of the more meaningful forms of work out there, rather than slaving my guts out for a big corporate, so I think that's something I will revisit later in life.