Movie review thread...
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@kruse said in Re: Movie review thread...:
Beyond the Law - starring Steven Seagal and DMX.
What - you wanna know more?
This was released in 2019 - so it's an old, salt-n-pepa, DMX. And a Steven Seagal who is only going to walk through a house, if it's done in multiple takes.
Literally - the most movement he does in the entire thing is walking through a house, near the beginning. After that, I presume he wheezed "fuck that, give me the script... right, I'm going to be this awesome guy, but never really on camera, and I'll just do 5 seconds of action near the end to make it obvious that I'm the best, nobody can beat me with fists or guns... sorted."
To be fair - both Seagal and DMX are actually supporting parts... I dunno if that makes it better or worse.
Plot-holes: many. (You know how lots of nerd movies result in some "What did the final scene of ... mean?" blogs/articles? I really want to see if anybody's come up with a sensible explanation for the final scene of this one.)
Tits: there's a scene in a strip bar, and yet... still my count was: zero.
2 DMXs out of 5 Dandits.This review is better than the movie.....which I haven’t even seen but know to be true.
I’ve mentioned it before but Seagal stands apart from Arnie, Sly, Chuck, Jean Claude and Dolph because a) he won’t show ANY sort of vulnerability on screen and b) ( much more importantly ) he won’t show ANY ability to laugh at himself and take the piss.
If he did I might not think all his movies were utter shit.
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Fast and Fierce: Death Race - starring DMX.
50% of IMDB reviews gave this 1 star, with most of those - saying it deserved less.
Every review I read told me not to watch it.
The title told me everything I needed to know - this was going to be a terrible film of "The Asylum" proportions (looked it up afterwards... sure enough - production company: The Asylum)
But - RIP DMX, so I watched it.I highly recommend.
Plot: obviously nonsensical.
Tits: none.
Car racing action - the first 10 minutes or so are nerve-wracking scenes of 3 cars racing against each other on long straight stretches of the mexican desert. "Oh, he's passing me... change up a gear". "Oh - he's punched the nitro button... I'll re-arrange my grip on the steering wheel and... change up a gear". Repeat: ad nauseum.Tension, high stakes - constantly undermined by the plot changing, and who gives a shit. The guy who is being held hostage, goes out to the bar and has some drinks at one point. And the lead baddie (at that point in time) - only gets annoyed/murderous because she watches him "ignore" her incoming call on his cellphone.
And then... the finale. At this point - it seems like they just give up even trying.
(To be fair - I realised after trying to describe how awful the quality of the production for the last 15 minutes was... the release date was 2020. They quite obviously just did some godawful overdubbing (I cannot exaggerate how awful this was... 1970's kung-fu level) over already filmed shots, threw it together with a quick edit between lockdown masties, and released it)DMX was the best actor in it, for chrissake - but they took him off-screen very early on, and then threw in some bullshit semi-plot-point to explain him never appearing again... except for what may have been a body-double in the finale.
1 gear-change up to what, it must be about 8th gear by now? - out of - 5 wonderfully white-ass-cracker ladies chewing the shit out of a mexican accent, or maybe colombian? Fuck - maybe russian-venezuelan?
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@rancid-schnitzel said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@rancid-schnitzel said in Re: Movie review thread...:
American Ninja
I’m normally a fan of the so-bad-it’s-good action films pumped out by Cannon in the 80s. But damn, this one is next level shit. The acting, action, effects - everything - are horrendous. Even the inclusion of the incomparable Steve James (RIP) makes no difference. In fact it’s heartbreaking to watch him get his arse kicked by the worst leading action man in cinematic history. Seriously, Michael Dudikoff looks and acts like someone on Valium. He makes Arnie look like Daniel Day-Lewis.
And they made not one but three sequels to this! Christ on a bike.
I always got him and Michael Biehn confused. However the latter did have the distinction of starring in two of the greatest action/sci fi flicks in history before descending into B movie purgatory. As far as I know the former started there and remained there.
Bit harsh mixing a guy with some actual talent with the Dudikoff. Biehn did pop up again a few times. He was great in the Rock. Never really broke out though. Maybe it didn’t help that he was overshadowed by Arnie and Sigorny in his two biggest roles.
Dudikoff can actually be found as one of Tom Hanks’ degenerate mates in Bachelor Party. Not exactly action star pedigree.
His career is not going strong:
Gotta say that sounds good.
Nearly as good as Going Down for Days: Lesbos at Nemo's. -
@kruse said in Re: Movie review thread...:
This, the original, is available on youtube in its entirety, and was good enough to start a franchise.
You must be sarcastic sir. If you are not, I will have to mention Ewoks, Caddyshack and Transformers. Oh and the Wiggles.
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@nostrildamus said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@rancid-schnitzel said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@rancid-schnitzel said in Re: Movie review thread...:
American Ninja
I’m normally a fan of the so-bad-it’s-good action films pumped out by Cannon in the 80s. But damn, this one is next level shit. The acting, action, effects - everything - are horrendous. Even the inclusion of the incomparable Steve James (RIP) makes no difference. In fact it’s heartbreaking to watch him get his arse kicked by the worst leading action man in cinematic history. Seriously, Michael Dudikoff looks and acts like someone on Valium. He makes Arnie look like Daniel Day-Lewis.
And they made not one but three sequels to this! Christ on a bike.
I always got him and Michael Biehn confused. However the latter did have the distinction of starring in two of the greatest action/sci fi flicks in history before descending into B movie purgatory. As far as I know the former started there and remained there.
Bit harsh mixing a guy with some actual talent with the Dudikoff. Biehn did pop up again a few times. He was great in the Rock. Never really broke out though. Maybe it didn’t help that he was overshadowed by Arnie and Sigorny in his two biggest roles.
Dudikoff can actually be found as one of Tom Hanks’ degenerate mates in Bachelor Party. Not exactly action star pedigree.
His career is not going strong:
Gotta say that sounds good.
Nearly as good as Going Down for Days: Lesbos at Nemo's.Link please!
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@kruse said in Re: Movie review thread...:
Fast and Fierce: Death Race - starring DMX.
50% of IMDB reviews gave this 1 star, with most of those - saying it deserved less.
Every review I read told me not to watch it.
The title told me everything I needed to know - this was going to be a terrible film of "The Asylum" proportions (looked it up afterwards... sure enough - production company: The Asylum)
But - RIP DMX, so I watched it.I highly recommend.
Plot: obviously nonsensical.
Tits: none.
Car racing action - the first 10 minutes or so are nerve-wracking scenes of 3 cars racing against each other on long straight stretches of the mexican desert. "Oh, he's passing me... change up a gear". "Oh - he's punched the nitro button... I'll re-arrange my grip on the steering wheel and... change up a gear". Repeat: ad nauseum.Tension, high stakes - constantly undermined by the plot changing, and who gives a shit. The guy who is being held hostage, goes out to the bar and has some drinks at one point. And the lead baddie (at that point in time) - only gets annoyed/murderous because she watches him "ignore" her incoming call on his cellphone.
And then... the finale. At this point - it seems like they just give up even trying.
(To be fair - I realised after trying to describe how awful the quality of the production for the last 15 minutes was... the release date was 2020. They quite obviously just did some godawful overdubbing (I cannot exaggerate how awful this was... 1970's kung-fu level) over already filmed shots, threw it together with a quick edit between lockdown masties, and released it)DMX was the best actor in it, for chrissake - but they took him off-screen very early on, and then threw in some bullshit semi-plot-point to explain him never appearing again... except for what may have been a body-double in the finale.
1 gear-change up to what, it must be about 8th gear by now? - out of - 5 wonderfully white-ass-cracker ladies chewing the shit out of a mexican accent, or maybe colombian? Fuck - maybe russian-venezuelan?
@Kruse Can you give a review of Tarantino’s only genuine dud ( in my opinion ) Death Proof ? ( it also has cars going fast )
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@voodoo said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@kruse I'm starting to think you're our local psychopath with the type of movies you put yourself through. Maybe try being kind to yourself for a change?
I don't deserve it.
But yeah - I have watched some stuff of better quality recently, it's just not really worth reviewing.
I watched Kick-Ass for a bit of light-hearted fun, and an 11-year old girl telling grown men that they were fluffybunnies. And Kick-Ass 2, just to complete that set.
And soon - I've downloaded Super - to round off the set of 2010-ish black-comedy superhero-ish movies.I'm also trying to catch up on all the recommendations that appeared in this thread while my laptop was a brick...
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@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
Is that the one where he turns up to kick ass and chew bubble gum and he’s all out of bubble gum ?
Nah, that was John Carpenter's They Live - Great line
Not a great film, but not a bad film.
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@victor-meldrew said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
Is that the one where he turns up to kick ass and chew bubble gum and he’s all out of bubble gum ?
Nah, that was John Carpenter's They Live - Great line
Not a great film, but not a bad film.
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@kirwan said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@victor-meldrew said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
Is that the one where he turns up to kick ass and chew bubble gum and he’s all out of bubble gum ?
Nah, that was John Carpenter's They Live - Great line
Not a great film, but not a bad film.
Jeepers, he was certainly no Rock or Bautista was he ?
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@rancid-schnitzel said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@nostrildamus said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@rancid-schnitzel said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@rancid-schnitzel said in Re: Movie review thread...:
American Ninja
I’m normally a fan of the so-bad-it’s-good action films pumped out by Cannon in the 80s. But damn, this one is next level shit. The acting, action, effects - everything - are horrendous. Even the inclusion of the incomparable Steve James (RIP) makes no difference. In fact it’s heartbreaking to watch him get his arse kicked by the worst leading action man in cinematic history. Seriously, Michael Dudikoff looks and acts like someone on Valium. He makes Arnie look like Daniel Day-Lewis.
And they made not one but three sequels to this! Christ on a bike.
I always got him and Michael Biehn confused. However the latter did have the distinction of starring in two of the greatest action/sci fi flicks in history before descending into B movie purgatory. As far as I know the former started there and remained there.
Bit harsh mixing a guy with some actual talent with the Dudikoff. Biehn did pop up again a few times. He was great in the Rock. Never really broke out though. Maybe it didn’t help that he was overshadowed by Arnie and Sigorny in his two biggest roles.
Dudikoff can actually be found as one of Tom Hanks’ degenerate mates in Bachelor Party. Not exactly action star pedigree.
His career is not going strong:
Gotta say that sounds good.
Nearly as good as Going Down for Days: Lesbos at Nemo's.Link please!
I'm sorry, I made that title up.
I haven't seen lesbian movies since that lesbian film festival in Oz, two straight guys in a sea of non-straight women at an outdoor cinema. And one gay man who waved at us in the crowd of leather jackets and short haircuts. No idea who he was.
Anyway the only movie I remember
But you may find something here
https://www.advocate.com/arts-entertainment/2015/06/30/21-best-and-worst-queer-movie-villains -
@nostrildamus said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@rancid-schnitzel said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@nostrildamus said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@rancid-schnitzel said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@rancid-schnitzel said in Re: Movie review thread...:
American Ninja
I’m normally a fan of the so-bad-it’s-good action films pumped out by Cannon in the 80s. But damn, this one is next level shit. The acting, action, effects - everything - are horrendous. Even the inclusion of the incomparable Steve James (RIP) makes no difference. In fact it’s heartbreaking to watch him get his arse kicked by the worst leading action man in cinematic history. Seriously, Michael Dudikoff looks and acts like someone on Valium. He makes Arnie look like Daniel Day-Lewis.
And they made not one but three sequels to this! Christ on a bike.
I always got him and Michael Biehn confused. However the latter did have the distinction of starring in two of the greatest action/sci fi flicks in history before descending into B movie purgatory. As far as I know the former started there and remained there.
Bit harsh mixing a guy with some actual talent with the Dudikoff. Biehn did pop up again a few times. He was great in the Rock. Never really broke out though. Maybe it didn’t help that he was overshadowed by Arnie and Sigorny in his two biggest roles.
Dudikoff can actually be found as one of Tom Hanks’ degenerate mates in Bachelor Party. Not exactly action star pedigree.
His career is not going strong:
Gotta say that sounds good.
Nearly as good as Going Down for Days: Lesbos at Nemo's.Link please!
I'm sorry, I made that title up.
I haven't seen lesbian movies since that lesbian film festival in Oz, two straight guys in a sea of non-straight women at an outdoor cinema. And one gay man who waved at us in the crowd of leather jackets and short haircuts. No idea who he was.
Anyway the only movie I remember
But you may find something here
https://www.advocate.com/arts-entertainment/2015/06/30/21-best-and-worst-queer-movie-villainsShit, that Zombie film has Billy Bob Thornton in it!!! Who would have thought that he’d become a major Hollywood star and end up banging Angelina Jolie
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@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@kirwan said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@victor-meldrew said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
Is that the one where he turns up to kick ass and chew bubble gum and he’s all out of bubble gum ?
Nah, that was John Carpenter's They Live - Great line
Not a great film, but not a bad film.
Jeepers, he was certainly no Rock or Bautista was he ?
He could choose his scripts well though...
The plot of Hell Comes to Frogtown is worth a read...
Some highlights...
Setting: a post-apocalyptic wasteland where few fertile men and women exist due to atomic fallout.
A group of mutant amphibians ... capture a group of fertile women and are using them as sex slaves.
Sam Hell (Piper) is a nomadic traveler ... captured by an organization of warrior-nurses,... who reveal that they located him by tracking the trail of pregnant women left in his wake.
Their original plan was to use him as breeding stock with their collection of fertile women, but ..., the group presses Hell into service as a mercenary; he is to infiltrate ... "Frogtown" and rescue the women.
... he is forced to wear an electronic protective codpiece ... Having already taken numerous samples of reproductive material from him, he is now deemed far more expendable than the women themselves.
...Hell ... quickly learns that a device Spangle carries will shock his genitals if used or if he gets too far away from it. ...
I'll skip the rest of it, for fear of spoilers, but it includes a reference to "the notable "Dance of the Three Snakes" sequence" -
For some reason I can't recall, I watched the G.I. Joe movie the other night.
Tonight - I watched the sequel - G.I. Joe Retaliation
The first - was some stupid light hearted fun based on some shit childhood toys.
The sequel... a constant assault on one's intelligence. There is literally not a single minute when I haven't thought "no, but, what, no... that's fucking... no..."
Just. So. Stupid.
I'm fucked if I can think of a 1.5 stupid things out of a 5 nah this could have been good stupid fun.Edit: at the climax... and it's worse... it just doesn't make sense. None of it makes any fucking sense. I get the throwing in every vehicle possible as a throw-back to the toys we were tricked into buying as kids, but still... it doesn't make any fucking sense.
My childhood storylines utilising a mixture of GI-Joe toys, Knight-Rider car, sister's Barbies, Optimus Prime (fucking sweet toy, bought with my Bonus Bond winnings), and some other shit I built myself from wood/nails - made more sense.
Fuck. You. Hollywood. For making a shit movie from an admittedly shit base childhood toy/cartoon. -
@mariner4life said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@kruse oh those movies suck sooo hard
Sienna Miller looks pretty good in the first one.
I think I saw somewhere that there was a new one in the works, so revisited the old ones.
And now... regret it all.