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@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
We operate off salary with a bonus of up to 20% as an "Incentive". But it is flexible as shit IF you're in management, of course.
e.g. a few years ago I built a system that helped saved the business ~$10M a year, and tried to hang my hat on that, but got marked down because I was a bit grumpy every now and then.The more I think about it, the more this sounds like my sex life: you can do awesome things and anticipate a root, but ONE little comment and NO SOUP FOR YOU!
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@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
The more I think about it, the more this sounds like my sex life: you can do awesome things and anticipate a root, but ONE little comment and NO SOUP FOR YOU!
Given that this is a happiness thread you really need to find some way to change that.
My wife calls sex a misdemeanour - the more you miss de meaner you get - which is certainly true in my case, and she knows it is true for both of us.
Yes I have just become the piston wristed gibbon who's wife enjoys sex that was mentioned somewhere on here. Except that is a contradiction really. It shouldn't be some threat or reward and I have been in some relationships like that previously - they didn't last long.
Happy wife, happy life is my motto that I try and remind myself of regularly.
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@Snowy said in Happiness Scale:
Given that this is a happiness thread you really need to find some way to change that.
I've tried almost everything within the realms of possibility, and haven't received anything but grief for bringing it up. I get the usual reaction of "typical man just after sex", and of late (since her Mum's dementia) tears and fights and grief . Therefore I simply don't bring it up.
A female friend of mine asked if I'd suggested we do couples counselling, so that it doesn't just look like me asking for sex (like a crazed maniac, of course) but she won't even go see someone about the obvious issues around her Mum's impending loss.
In fact another therapist that I was seeing about work anxiety also suggested that, and seemed significantly concerned that she wasn't open to counselling for the grief or the couples thing.@Snowy said in Happiness Scale:
Yes I have just become the piston wristed gibbon who's wife enjoys sex that was mentioned somewhere on here.
piston wristed gibbon!
It shouldn't be some threat or reward
It isn't "used" like a punishment or reward. I am coming around to the opinion that sex does not sit very high on her priorities list.
Fuck it did the week I got back from NZ in 2017 tho. Things picked up significantly for a while there - absence makes the heart grow fonder etc. Makes me think I should do that again
Her ongoing willingness to kill herself for work, by contrast, is frustrating. In fact, I think a lot of her inability to discuss the issue relates to her work: because she's often the smartest person in the room 9-5, she's not used to hearing any form of dialogue that indicates she's not 100% right. Therefore, when I bring something to the table about my needs, she only sees criticism, and she's not equipped / mature enough to deal with that on its merits and look for a way forward.
And like a lot of women I know, she needs to be unhappy to be happy, so working excess hours fits like a glove.
(Yes I know that isn't all women, but these are the women I'm dealing with).
It makes me question the state of the relationship, to the point where it generates significant anxiety for me. But as I've told a couple of therapists: there is no point me paying you to give advice that can't be meaningfully implemented.
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Note I'm also VERY aware that this sounds like classic mid-life couple situation:
- husband starts feeling neglected
- wife doesn't want to hear about it
- husband starts ignoring her
- wife starts looking elsewhere for attention
- husband gets rug pulled out from under him
And I'm doing my best to keep the communication and attention flowing, but the one-sidedness of who initiates what is grating.
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@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
It makes me question the state of the relationship, to the point where it generates significant anxiety for me.
Yeah therein lies the problem. This is very personal stuff and I'm lucky that one of my wife's friends is a phycologist. I think she takes the few of - happy husband happy life. It goes both ways.
@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
I am coming around to the opinion that sex does not sit very high on her priorities list.
That's the thing, it shouldn't be a chore. I'm probably not helping here, but when it is regular, mutual and enjoyed the whole dynamic of the relationship becomes more equal, so it should be near the top of her list.
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@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
Note I'm also VERY aware that this sounds like classic mid-life couple situation:
- husband starts feeling neglected
- wife doesn't want to hear about it
- husband starts ignoring her
- wife starts looking elsewhere for attention
- husband gets rug pulled out from under him
And I'm doing my best to keep the communication and attention flowing, but the one-sidedness of who initiates what is grating.
This seems to be such a common thing and is really quite ridiculous on the part of the fairer sex. We men are generally simple creatures and if a semi-regular root is all that is required to keep us happy then shouldn’t that be a good thing? You get those shitty films, shows and books about frustrated wives but you have to wonder if they’ve got that arse backwards.
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@Rancid-Schnitzel said in Happiness Scale:
We men are generally simple creatures and if a semi-regular root is all that is required to keep us happy then shouldn’t that be a good thing?
Yes. Seems to be the attitude around here - and it works.
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@Snowy said in Happiness Scale:
I think she takes the few of - happy husband happy life. It goes both ways.
try reading the comments of anny article on social media where a husband wants more sex. it's actually fucking depressing. there appear to be a huge number of women out there who just don't think it's important. that their body is sacrosanct. and any man should be happy with whatever they are "allowed".
It's actually sad that these women don't seem to want to fuck their men any more.
"oh he needs to put in effort" which normally means "no not that effort, this other effort on top of all the other effort" while also ignoring the fact that constant refusal actually wears people down to the point where trying is too hard.
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@mariner4life said in Happiness Scale:
@Snowy said in Happiness Scale:
I think she takes the few of - happy husband happy life. It goes both ways.
try reading the comments of anny article on social media where a husband wants more sex. it's actually fucking depressing. there appear to be a huge number of women out there who just don't think it's important. that their body is sacrosanct. and any man should be happy with whatever they are "allowed".
It's actually sad that these women don't seem to want to fuck their men any more.
"oh he needs to put in effort" which normally means "no not that effort, this other effort on top of all the other effort" while also ignoring the fact that constant refusal actually wears people down to the point where trying is too hard.
To be fair in hindsight picking a partner who probably wasn't really into sex in the first place was on me. It is hard to realise at the time how important it is, and how attractive it is when someone willingly wants it and genuinely enjoys it. These days its probably just easier to self administer, but the personal connection is not there. I'm sure it would be the same if you resorted to an independent contractor as well
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I'm lucky i am pretty good in that area. but i know how it affects me when something gets in the way of it too (Mrs Mariner, bless her, does as well, and can see the signs) so i can't imagine how tough it is for the guys that are constantly blocked.
Of course there is a flip side where mates are getting heaps, but it's used as a smoke screen to hide a myriad of other more serious problems
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@mariner4life said in Happiness Scale:
It's actually sad that these women don't seem to want to fuck their men any more.
It really is.
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My wife is a massive Simpson's fan so we say this constantly.
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@Snowy said in Happiness Scale:
That's the thing, it shouldn't be a chore. I'm probably not helping here, but when it is regular, mutual and enjoyed the whole dynamic of the relationship becomes more equal, so it should be near the top of her list.
I hasten to point out that when it happens, it's very satisfactory for both parties. So why doesn't it happen more often?
Me looking like Jason Fucking Momoa isn't an option at this point, but then neither is her looking like Sofia Vergara.
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@Snowy said in Happiness Scale:
@mariner4life said in Happiness Scale:
It's actually sad that these women don't seem to want to fuck their men any more.
It really is.
Like someone said earlier, guys are generally pretty simple. A little attention and some bedroom gymnastics on a semi regular basis and most of us would be happy as. I had a mate who wanted to keep his wife (and family) and his bit on the side. She refused and he left. At the time I thought his request was preposterous, and I would never have asked. But these days I can't say the idea wouldn't appeal. I'd probably be happier.
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@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
I can't say the idea wouldn't appeal. I'd probably be happier
that is a startling, and sad, admission to come to
no judgement, there have been times when i have thought it too (see my post in the first couple of pages)
I'm waaaaay too lazy to contemplate it though. And this town is seriously not big enough to ever, ever pull it off
also, you know, i'm really happy at home
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@mariner4life said in Happiness Scale:
@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
I can't say the idea wouldn't appeal. I'd probably be happier
that is a startling, and sad, admission to come to
no judgement, there have been times when i have thought it too (see my post in the first couple of pages)
I'm waaaaay too lazy to contemplate it though. And this town is seriously not big enough to ever, ever pull it off
also, you know, i'm really happy at home
You are right mate, it just feels like that part of life has passed by. Maybe it will come back, I won't hold my breath. I have too much to lose so would never do anything. I'm sure escorts see this thing all the time
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@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
It feels ridiculous not to want to indulge, and knowingly blocks the partner, only to be shocked when the partner finds it elsewhere
when it is said out loud like that, it is really.
there isn't a single piece of anything out there about how a successful marriage works that doesn't include intimacy. And yet...
Billy Connolly summed it up pretty well "women need to feel loved to have sex, men need to have sex to feel loved" and i reckon he's pretty much spot on.
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@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
It feels ridiculous not to want to indulge, and knowingly blocks the partner, only to be shocked when the partner finds it elsewhere
All too common, easy to fix, and usually heartbreaking for all concerned, kids, family, the whole whanau.
Happiness Scale
