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@Dodge said in Happiness Scale:
@voodoo said in Happiness Scale:
@Dodge can't believe you came to Aus and didn't look me up. Not like you have much of an excuse either.
Disappointing.
I sat in that bar for about 12 hours waiting for you to turn up.
You probably had more fun without me...
Wish I had some insightful words for you man - but I've never known my Dad, so can't quite relate to the feeling. I actually only saw a picture of mine for the first time a few years back when the half-sister I didn't know I had tracked me down after 20 years of trying. I have often wondered how I will feel when I hear he has passed - which could be any day as he's pretty old now - having never met him. Genuinely have no idea.
But it sounds like you and your Dad were close - so take solace in that and focus on the great memories. Very hard with your Mum not being close by and having young kids that make it harder to travel on weekends. But you can only do what you can do as the Don says. Just keep plugging away, and things will get easier bit by bit.
Good luck mate.
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I can't even begin to comprehend this.
I went thru an ugly divorce with very little to zero support (no family in the UK and mutual friends didn't want to get involved) and that was hard enough but knew it would be resolved. Mrs M had an appalling 3-4 years with her parents (24/7 care in Covid lockdown, NHS abandoned them, impacted her health) but she and her sisters had a strong and close family to support them.
The only thing I can say is hang in there and maybe take some time out for yourself. It isn't selfish to put yourself first every now and then to look after yourself and your own well-being
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@Dodge said in Happiness Scale:
your one job is to be the strongest man
I think that right there is the crux of alot of issues in society today.
Men are meant to be strong, not show weakness, emotion, vulnerability, ever.
It is about balance, and I do think talking does help, but its having the right person/people to talk with, people that have your back, people that arent going to patronise you or belittle anything, just be there for you.
I'm fortunate that my dad is still about, although right now he is lying in hospital after a shoulder reconstruction caused other complications, many due to his poor health and lifestyle IMO, but thats another story.
Anyway, not sure I can add much more wise words or anything, other than look after you!
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@Dodge said in Happiness Scale:
I know that losing a parent is a natural part of life, and I understand the challenge that says 'you're putting a lot of expectation on yourself to be there for everyone else' and lots of messages above talk about the need to look after yourself in these moments and make sure you manage your own mental health, my question is how? What do you stop doing? I can't talk to many people about it because they're either grieving or looking after their own situations, and frankly i'm not sure how talking about it helps, it just opens the door to the wider feelings which are then harder to get back in the box.
I will be strong, but i'm not sure what to do to be honest.
I really relate to this. For me, I stopped doing all of the things I enjoy because I was so caught up in making sure my wife was OK, that my boys were OK, and how could I worry myself with things like gaming or sport or any other interests when there are so much more important things to concentrate on? And how the hell could I find any time for those unimportant things anyway?
One thing I have realised, with help from some posters here
is that those unimportant things are actually hugely important, and if you neglect to do the things you enjoy then life becomes pretty miserable. An example for me is I didn't watch any sport at all this year, which is the first time in my life that has happened, so I made a deliberate effort to make time to do that again. The first Super game I watched in full was the Chiefs smacking the Canes around in the semi final (when it was meant to be our year!). Despite the result I did feel better afterwards, as it returned some sense of normalcy to my life. I've also made time to do some online gaming with my little brother, which again has helped.@Donsteppa is right as well, that sometimes doing those things for yourself will be out of reach some days, or weeks, but that it is something you need to be quite deliberate about and make yourself do despite what is going on around you.
It's stupidly cliche and a bit cringy, but it is true: you can't pour from an empty cup. And if you spend an extended period of time neglecting to do any of the things you enjoy, your cup will empty out and you will become a shell of the person you were, which is what happened to me.
I'm still not going great if I'm honest, but those small things have helped me a bit.
Also, I would say don't be afraid to reach out to people around you, you'd be surprised at how many absolutely amazing people there are out there. Sometimes it can help to talk to someone that is a bit removed from the situation and your circle of friends/family. Posting here was good for me, and I have also opened up to a work colleague that is not part of my immediate friends/family and talking to him about everything has also helped.
I also like that quote above - "if you are going through hell, keep going". That's all you can do, and have faith that things will get better/easier over time. All the best Dodge, life can be really fucking hard at times.
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@Dodge said in Happiness Scale:
I have a stressful job, two youngish kids and a wife who lost her own dad 3 years ago and is also grieving for mine. I have a mum who is facing the prospect of living the rest of her life without her partner and best friend - they all need me.
I find navigating your marriage in times like these is particularly challenging. You want to lean on your wife, but at the same time you don't want her to now have a third child to deal with.
There's no right or wrong way to do it. In periods where I've struggled I've let my wife know broadly what I'm dealing with and she will tend to help out in little ways - encourage me to catch up with my mates, or have a hit of golf, or go and exercise. That for me is invaluable, and shows me she understands. She doesn't have the bandwidth to be my therapist, but she can help out in her own way and I love her for that.
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@Dodge mate my sincere condolences to you, that must be tough to go through and by the sounds of it you’re doing a great job keeping it together for the family.
I haven't been through what you have, and I can only speak from my own personal experience so I can only hope I can share my story and that some of it resonates with you, and if it doesn't that's fine also - you've got to do what works for you.
A few years ago, I got counselling for childhood trauma, I've always been the type to grit my teeth and just get on with life and keep pushing forward but it's amazing the number of emotions that sit just under the surface if we bottle it up.
I unwisely took one of my counselling calls at work (was online as it was during covid times) and the counsellor looked at me quizzically and asked if maybe we could reschedule till i was at home. I bravely insisted that we go on and I'd be fine, and he double checked and asked me again if I was in a safe and private space and if I was ok to talk. Again, I bravely insisted I was.
Que about 5 minutes into the session and I'm sitting there having locked the door to the meeting room behind me, back to the windows, weeping uncontrollably into my computer monitor and sleeves of my jacket as real men don’t carry handkerchiefs, and ever so thankful the meeting room had tinted glass so no-one could see me. Probably cried for about 45 minutes straight, then had to take a period of time afterwards composing myself at the end of the session before walking back out into our open plan office without looking like a train had hit me.
While I think that talking to friends and family and complete strangers on the internet helps while their advice is very well intentioned the vast majority of people won’t have the skills and training to do much more than listen and even less so to be able to take that grief and hurt and begin to direct it in a way that can heal you and help you fix yourself.
So my only advice would be to find someone professional to talk to, I'm sure there's specialist grief counsellors that have guided many people through this exact same situation. Sometimes it's just really good to have a safe space you can go to there you can be completely honest, where it's confidential so nothing you say can come back to haunt you later on (which unfortunately can be quite a risk if you're opening up to friends and family and I’ll also be honest that there were things I said to my counsellor that I’d never want my friends, or family, or wife, or kids to ever know and that those words should just stay there) and a place where you can be vulnerable and have a bit of a cry and then pull yourself together so you can go back out into the real world and be the Father, Husband, and workmate you need to be.
And would like to reiterate the advice before, keep moving forward, you will get through this.
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@Dodge said in Happiness Scale:
i have the Jordan Peterson phrase in my head the whole time that says 'your one job is to be the strongest man at your dads funeral'.
Firstly: fuck Jordan Peterson.
My Dad died over 10 years ago and I didn't deal with it properly because of similar factors you state: young kids, job, mortgage, wife etc. I was in my mid-30s, fit as a fiddle, in the prime of my life, and already going through the stress of selling a house. I didn't get any sort of help initially, and probably spent a couple of years in the wilderness, mentally speaking, trying to be The Tough Guy.
My wife was great and actually a little curious as to how my family subsequently conducted itself. There was no funeral, for example, which to my wife (raised with Italian maternal side) was almost criminal. My brother was around but he was more emotionally stunted than even I, and we've never had that kind of sibling relationship.
There are some days, yes, where you just have to get the fuck on with it, because the bills aren't going to pay themselves and your family still needs you.
But there are also going to be days that suck a fat one and you need to let them happen. It's part of the process.
Post above said look at a professional help and I'd agree - grief counselling might not make it suck less, but you'll get tools to recognise those periods of grief and how to work through it. Or even let it continue to suck for a bit because you're overwhelmed and need to let the water run out of the bath for a bit, so to speak.
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Anecdote: My wife is (finally) seeing a psych because of her own grief from losing both parents last year. She comes home from today's session and to my polite enquiry about how it went: "Oh she doesn't have kids so what the hell does she know?"
DON'T be that person. If you're going to engage help, have a healthy level of self-awareness about what you're there for. Don't discard it, even in casual conversation, because the brain will start to treat it as useless if you verbalise it.
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Some really brave and candid words here and I think a reflection on perhaps how we men do need that outlet and often hold things in too much.
But I go back to the Petersen quote, which I 100% agree with in terms of "at the funeral". This doesn't mean you have to hold your emotions in check at all times. Doesn't mean you shouldn't grieve or allow yourself to be vulnerable. Doesn't mean you shouldn't cry in front of other people. But on that day IMHO you should be strong.
I've been blessed enough to not have a parent die yet but I lost my wife to breast cancer 7 years ago. She was 41, I was 38 and my two boys 12 and 9. Believe me I didnt hold it in. I was absolutely crushed. I'm still haunted by having to tell my boys that Mamma would never get better. It's something that hits me every single day.
But on the day of the funeral I was strong and there for my boys and all the people who came. I wrote the eulogy and practiced it with enough tears to flood the house. But on that day I got up there and was strong because it wasn't about me, it was about her and my boys.
Sorry for the rambling, what I'm trying to say is that you have to grieve and you have to share your emotions. But there are times you should be strong. Nothing wrong with that either.
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Happiness Scale
