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@rancid-schnitzel said in Back for more!:
Not sure if that's common for all females, but obviously both you and I copped it.
The more blokes I speak to about this, the more common it seems. Hence why that article exists - my boss at work said "well yeah of course someone is going to write that: not like you're the Lone Ranger here!"
@catogrande said in Back for more!:
@nta Tough going mate. I think this sort of thing happens to most of us at some time or another. My mate had a similar issue but lacked your "appalling honesty". All he could keep telling his wife was that she "must invest in the relationship". It took her ages to understand that he just wanted a root.
My situation is similar to that BUT it has gotten to the stage where there is still sex, but always on her terms and nothing affectionate between "hug" and "shag".
Throw in the ED and you've got a dangerous mix. As the psych said: the problem comes down to anticipation. I'm always in a spot where I don't know when the next one is, and I'm nervous enough about performance. Uncertainty isn't helping when there's no bridge built on basic intimacy in between, and no feedback or direction from her side.
Have tried sending her texts with a nudge wink and no response. I buy flowers sporadically so it doesn't become the norm, and while they're appreciated, the romance of it seems lost.
The Dementor has to die and then I'll STILL get a year or two of the wife dealing with her guilt at her happiness as well as the genuine grief.
It's fucked.
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mate we all go through that shit.
I'm the same, it is regular but is very little outside it that I dont initiate...always shit going on in her head/life; her job sucks, her boss does her head in, her dad is one of the more negative people and is gettign worse as he ages (has recently had a bout of cancer to top it off) and always brings her down after an hour on the phone (given he lives in UK)
I tell her to chuck the job in, we'll deal with it, but she says it is convenient for her (which it is as it is school hours and she has use of a vehicle to and from work)
I've been talking about chucking her it in and buying a business for her to run for a while, but she's a creature of habit and not keen, but it's also finding the right one thats the issue in a small place like Whangarei.
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yea man, you are hardly alone in that one, although yours seems at the more extreme end.
There is a serious communication issue there that needs to be taken care of, because your mental health won't deal with years of this stuff. Professional help for the two of you? Or would that just be another trigger.
Marriage can be so fucked. Men and women are wired so differently.
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@mariner4life in a similar boat here - currently in a meh non-initiate stage, but know that it's not a long term option or healthy. But unless there is a circuit breaker it feels like you are going to have exactly the same convo as X months or years ago, and then have the same pattern of behaviour.
Good on you for talking about @NTA - one big pressure/tension in my situation is the privacy aspect. I don't talk to bro's about this sort of stuff as it's between the missus and I. Not from a shame perspective but more a respectful one. But it does feels like you are isolated, especially where you may have little or no interest in couples counselling, or that suddenly opting for counselling will be a bloody shock for your missus.
One thing I ran into online was a site that lets you and your partner indicate interest in 'activities'. You don't get to see what each other listed unless it's mutual. And fuck knows what sketchy mofo' are doing with that info, but it had a lot of positive feedback and people saying it had really helped then get out of a rut of no rutting!
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@paekakboyz said in Back for more!:
@mariner4life in a similar boat here - currently in a meh non-initiate stage, but know that it's not a long term option or healthy. But unless there is a circuit breaker it feels like you are going to have exactly the same convo as X months or years ago, and then have the same pattern of behaviour.
My wife and I quote The Simpsons at each other often, but the truth is if you're not talking, frustration builds and it can come as quite a surprise to the other party when you've finally had enough.
As to initiating; all couple go through periods where interest wanes as a result of normal life. The difficulty is to keep making an effort.
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@antipodean ha ha that must be awesome, no lack of quotable material from the Simpsons. I totally get the ebb and flow of things changing over time. But if you are the one making the effort 99.9% of the time you can only handle getting burned so often imo. So it becomes making an effort at making a (generally fruitless) effort!!
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@paekakboyz said in Back for more!:
@mariner4life in a similar boat here - currently in a meh non-initiate stage, but know that it's not a long term option or healthy. But unless there is a circuit breaker it feels like you are going to have exactly the same convo as X months or years ago, and then have the same pattern of behaviour.
You're in the situation of having younger kid(s) tho, yeah? To be perfectly honest, the years immediately after a baby can be a strain. A new person in the relationship alters every dynamic you had before.
I would anticipate her interest in couples' counselling would be zero. She's very much a "That's just the way it is and when the bad shit moves on, it'll be better", which I think channels @taniwharugby from the post above. Actually her feelings about couples' counselling would be distinctly negative: based on trying to provide feedback and assert my thoughts/feelings about where we are, she would simply see it as more criticism.
As I've discussed with a few blokes now: this seems like a fairly common situation. There is a definite communication issue where guys can't make suggestions or they're seen as overly critical. Women do put themselves under a lot of pressure, but then I think they invent a lot of that pressure based on what they see in external sources. Particularly unrealistic expectation of themselves created by other women and the kinds of media that women are into.
The best line from "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) is "Do NOT ready beauty magazines; they will only make you feel ugly"
My wife spends way too much time on her iPad; Facebook in particular, and useless shit like Hay Day which can't be good for dementia. Yes I know there are studies saying that dementia patients appear healthier and happier on games like Hay Day, Candy Crush, or other repetitive shit, but that doesn't mean it is good for you before you go mental.
Every time I bring that up? "That's how I relax". She watches Netflix "to help go to sleep" The irony is that she'll devour articles about dementia prevention and treatment/care etc. but when I present her the articles saying iPads are fucking awful for helping you sleep, they're dismissed.
@paekakboyz said in Back for more!:
@antipodean ha ha that must be awesome, no lack of quotable material from the Simpsons. I totally get the ebb and flow of things changing over time. But if you are the one making the effort 99.9% of the time you can only handle getting burned so often imo. So it becomes making an effort at making a (generally fruitless) effort!!
Yes. And there is a school of thought that says you should be the bigger person and make the effort anyway. The rejection isn't personal blah blah blah. But the human spirit will only put up with so much.
If I want the wife's attention now, I just basically turn off the emotional tap for a couple of days. I'm not angry with her - I'm perfectly civil if addressed - but I won't engage unless I'm engaged with. Maybe she thinks I've got the shits or something, and eventually comes around. But I don't really think that is healthy for either of us to experience.
There was a time there - when the kids were out of nappies and before they hit shitty tweenhood - where it was a more active relationship, and even though I was still initiating more, it was great. I was fit as fuck, and in terms of performance: cat couldn't scratch it For a while there the wife looked like she'd hit her dirty 30s, but it subsided in the face of life's bullshit.
The meme going around facebook says: "Grandma's secret to a happy marriage: Keep his stomach full and his balls empty" and there is a lot of truth to that.
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The problem with this kind of situation is that it can be so degrading (basically begging for sex) and also murder on your self-esteem. Imagine how she'd feel if it was the other way round. Taking someone for granted goes both ways, but you'd never know that because the impression the media always gives is of desperate housewives and career obsessed husbands. It simply isn't true.
I guess the best thing is not to take it personally and, while it may be tempting, do not cheat. Fark I was so sorely tempted at times but so glad I didn't. Just have a wank and then watch some rugby.
One more thing, while it's important for you yourself to be fit and healthy and look good, don't expect that to have any difference on her. I went nuts with a PT, diet, the works. Was looking like a farking Spartan warrior. Doesn't do shit. It isn't you, it's her and she has to figure that shit out. Hope that happens sooner rather than later. Ain't nowt queerer than womenfolk.
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@nta but also dont forget to talk about it, even if you cant with her, find someone (am sure plenty on here will, and in a way, maybe easier?) who will listen.
Dunno about Aus, but they are big on the mental health side of things in NZ and making sure people know they can talk if they need to rather than bottling it up and making it a much bigger problem.
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@nta said in Back for more!:
You're in the situation of having younger kid(s) tho, yeah? To be perfectly honest, the years immediately after a baby can be a strain. A new person in the relationship alters every dynamic you had before.
Nice to hear this, we have been going through this for the last 6 years since we had our first kid. Last one is 20 months old now and we are still going through it.
I think part of the problem is when you decide to have kids you become like the prize bull and its coming at you from all angles but once your work is done. Interest disappears pretty quickly. Its a big step down. Most of my mates have said the same thing happened to them.
Finished having kids now, and finding it hard to get back to ourselves. As we were, maybe its not possible. Maybe those people don't exist anymore. Who knows.
I am going to be in the shit as it is as I passed out on the train the other day on the way to work. No idea what happened one minute I was standing the next a young fellah was holding me up and helping me off at the next station. Got checked out by the ambulance guys, can't spot anything wrong.
They asked if I wanted to call my wife. I thought about it said no actually I feel rough enough I don't need her getting all stressed about this as well. So I just had a drink something to eat and went to work. Thinking I will tell her that night, when I get home. Except she was in a mood about something so I thought later. Now I'm like fuck it if it happens again I will tell her.
Its not good though, you should feel able to share something like that.
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@taniwharugby it is definitely changing here. I'm finding a few guys at work to chat to, and they've all had similar experiences of varying severity. One of them is my boss, who is about my age with kids a couple of years younger than mine. That's handy as he gets what I'm going through at home and understands how it's affecting me at work.
Another guy is someone I have a weekly catch up coffee with, who worked in one of my old teams.
The similarities are often uncanny in terms of what the womenfolk are actually doing re: headfuck.
Everyone has their own strategy for dealing with it, based on the personalities involved. It is interesting to see what others are doing, though without knowing their wives beyond general outlines, I tend to only take bits of other strategies.
The universal theme seems to be "why the fuck are they making it so hard?"
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@rancid-schnitzel said in Back for more!:
One more thing, while it's important for you yourself to be fit and healthy and look good, don't expect that to have any difference on her. I went nuts with a PT, diet, the works. Was looking like a farking Spartan warrior. Doesn't do shit. It isn't you, it's her and she has to figure that shit out. Hope that happens sooner rather than later. Ain't nowt queerer than womenfolk.
Yeah I reckon you're on the money. She has said herself that if it's good for me to feel fitter, I should go for it, but it doesn't really bother her (as long as I don't get obsessed over it).
That said, last time I lost the weight, we seemed to be having sex more often. She put that down to my "confidence" but at least some of it has to be attributed to the buffness at a subconscious level. At least the "not getting knocked back" part. Maybe?
At this point, the update is fairly good. Maybe even some of the message has gotten through - sent me a lovely text message this arvo (and I thanked her verbally when she got home to ensure she understands I appreciate it) and is making cups of tea for me etc. Ice definitely thawed.
She is also opening up a bit on the humorous front wrt general attitude toward physical stuff E.g. I asked the kids who wanted to see the new Aquaman trailer and the wife is the first one to say "yep!!" from the kitchen.
Fucking Jason Momoa. Should have stayed dead you Dothraki prick 😉
Anyway this has been a good side discussion and I'm happy to continue it with anyone who wants to, either here or via PM.
Next post will be Fitness related!
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I slept poorly from about 0430 today, so didn't end up going for my scheduled run. Fucking miserable weather anyway.
Thought about doing it when I got home, as it seemed to clear, then the rain swept in again. Go home, Sydney Spring weather - you drunk!
So tonight I thought I'd test out my maximums for chinups, taking suitable breaks in between each set to recover, to see how the regular work was suiting me. Pretty well as it turns out:
5 supinated
4 neutral grip
3 pronatedAll were full hang, and max reps in a single set based on good form. Fatigue probably played a part in each set, as well as the shoulder injury, but I'm happy with that as I can feel it right through the core.
EDIT: And some core work and stretching exercises from Pilates, because why the fuck not?
Hoping to get out for a run tomorrow morning, but "scattered showers clearing" is the forecast so it might have to be at work.
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@taniwharugby said in Back for more!:
mate we all go through that shit.
I'm the same, it is regular but is very little outside it that I dont initiate...always shit going on in her head/life; her job sucks, her boss does her head in, her dad is one of the more negative people and is gettign worse as he ages (has recently had a bout of cancer to top it off) and always brings her down after an hour on the phone (given he lives in UK)
I tell her to chuck the job in, we'll deal with it, but she says it is convenient for her (which it is as it is school hours and she has use of a vehicle to and from work)
I've been talking about chucking her it in and buying a business for her to run for a while, but she's a creature of habit and not keen, but it's also finding the right one thats the issue in a small place like Whangarei.
Holy shit that all sounds so familiar. Perhaps even too familiar, apart from the whangarei bit.
Wife and I used to be super active, even when we had 3 young kids (still young but now ranging 6 through 11). Seems less frequent of late but I've always put it down to her having a lot going on and I get by. After a night out with a bit of booze involved though, holy shit is she up for it. Maybe she just forgets about everything thats going on in her head at times like that, I dunno. Women and men are indeed wired so differently.
Anyway I think the point is that in fact a lot of what each of us is going through is similar and probably a lot more common that we think.
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@jk said in Back for more!:
After a night out with a bit of booze involved though, holy shit is she up for it. Maybe she just forgets about everything thats going on in her head at times like that, I dunno.
Bingo. It's a combination (I think) of alcohol relaxing a few inhibitions, and a night out allowing them to have social interaction on their terms, rather than e.g. work where they have to fit into certain norms.
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@nta said in Back for more!:
Hoping to get out for a run tomorrow morning, but "scattered showers clearing" is the forecast so it might have to be at work.
Nope. Still raining.
So instead of getting around the local streets in a sweat, Mrs TA and I got around each other in a sweat.
It has been one of the weirder weeks in recent memory.