Movie review thread...
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@tim said in Re: Movie review thread...:
What's up with Bruce Willis churning out shite-tier movies? Does he owe the IRS money or something?
Not sure. Demi would have a bit of cash from her own awful movies one would assume so alimony wouldn’t be an issue. @Kruse can you remind us where Bruce sits on the shit movie star list ( compared to John Travolta, Liam Neeson and Nicholas Cage )
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@kruse said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@nepia said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@nepia said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@nepia said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@kruse said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@bones said in Re: Movie review thread...:
The Poison Rose (released internationally as Eye for an Eye) is a 2019 American thriller film starring John Travolta and Morgan Freeman. The film was directed by George Gallo and Francesco Cinquemani.
So, so fucken bad, that I couldn't press stop. What a cast! All performing without an ounce of talent in a completely ridiculously formulaic yet bizarre script.
I don't even know how to rate it.
@kruse, please do your best.
Okay. So... yeah.
The Poison Rose
Firstly, the most important bit:- Tit-watch: zero. But some spectacular cleavage. Jeez I do love some inside-of-boob. I also like outside-of-boob and under-boob, but this movie - you're just getting inside-of-boob.
And then the other bits...
- Opening scene: an old-school theatre sign displaying "The Maltese Falcon"
This is apropos of nothing, other than saying "this is going to be SOOO film noir - Opening voice-over... I shit you not:
My name is Carson Phillips, I'm a PI. I like to drink, I like to smoke, I like to gamble.
Sometimes a little too much. But you know what they say... 'Everything in moderation, including moderation'- And THEN the heavy-handed-ness starts, for a good ten minutes of "this is fucking film-noir, you fluffybunnies!"
- Oh, and Brendan Fraser appears. He's heard of "Beer and Pie July"... he heard of it several years ago. And his calendar's faulty.
- And then an hour of pretty much just nothing. Just... take a nap through this bit if you like
- A big "reveal" (spoiler) - the protagonist has an adult daughter. So upon them realising this, there's a scene where he pretty much assumes she's a 7-year old. "Here's how to eat a donut". Fuck. Just... fuck.
- There's a gunfight in the football stadium. Hero has a revolver, tries using it against a guy in the commentary box with a sniper rifle. No luck, funnily enough. Uses the tackle-pads (bullet-proof) as a shield, until remembering he used to be a famous quarterback, so... use a football as a weapon! Awesome.
- Immediately into next action-scene/gunfight. No words for this.
- Closing voice-over, I shit you not:
I wasn't in a hurry to go home. Then I realised... I already was.
Fuck you John Travolta. Fuck you slightly less @bones for making me watch this.
1.5 attempts at a modern jaded P.I. from 5 unresolved storylines.
About 1.25 of those points were for the cleavage. It really was quite pretty.This sounds even worse than I am Wrath. Good to see Travolta not settling and plunging even deeper into shit movies than before.
I’m sure Neeson, Cage and Willis will see this and try to outdo him.
Neeson really doesn't deserve to be lumped in with those three. All his action variants are watchable and they all do decent box office. Those other two are just making cheap DTV (or VOD/DTS these days I guess).
If you want a fourth then John Cusack appears to be your guy, which is odd as he always seemed to be more of a character actor with a few leading roles.
If anything he’s the worst of the lot. I sometimes can’t believe he’s the same guy who gave us such an amazing performance in Schindlers List.
Nah, we'll likely have to agree to disagree.
The others just make crap DTV.
Neeson makes varying quality action films (but all with decent budgets), which he mixes with other more dramatic roles (Made in Italy, Silence etc).
I’ll give you some of that but most of his recent actions flicks seem like bad “Taken” rip offs with the same tired “retired guy with skills” cliche.
I guess the point I’m making is to me he seems to have fallen the furtherest out of that bunch.
As i said we have to agree to disagree as I don't think he's fallen nearly as far as the other three. Cage has an Oscar, Willis was one of the biggest stars of the late 80s/90s, and Travolta was a huge star at probably two points of his career.
They're all making low budget churn out stuff now. Neeson is making proper studio action films that mostly do good box office and in between time works on studio and indie dramas/animation etc.
Have you seen all of his action films since Taken? I've seen a fair few and they're not all just Taken rip offs aside from having Neeson as an action hero. And some are good.
Na not all of them but in true fern fashion I’m making judgements anyway
I do take your point actually, the other three had their moments. Willis was great in the Sixth sense, Cage in Leaving Las Vegas and Travolta in Saturday Night Fever to name a few. Obviously BW and JT were brilliant in Pulp Fiction together as well.
So yeah, I’ll tar all four with the same brush for some of the shit they do now
According to MetaCritic...
John Travolta- High: Pulp Fiction (98)
- Low: Two of a Kind (5)
- Noteworthy - this man has also done Battlefield Earth. Yet that's NOT considered his worst movie
- Of late: The Fanatic (18) - plays a fan obsessed with an action movie star. The Poison Rose (26) - as reviewed already. Trading Paint (34) - father vs son car racing.
Bruce Willis
- High: Pulp Fiction (94)
- Low: Cosmic Sin (9)
- Noteworthy: In his peak, obviously also did Die Hards, etc
- Of late: Cosmic Sin (9) - as reviewed on TSF. Breach (no MetaScore yet, but users rate it worse than Cosmic Sin). Hard Kill (no MetaScore yet - but I've seen it. It is not good. (I thought I'd done a review, but can't find it__
Nicolas Cage
- High: Adaptation (83) (ignoring voice-credit for Spiderverse)
- Low: Left Behind (12)
- Noteworthy - I guess we'd consider prime Cage to be Leaving Las Vegas, Face-Off/etc - so around a score of 82
- Of late: Jiu Jitsu (27) - pretty much what it says on the tin, I assume. Grand Isle (29) - suspense/thriller where "all manner of suspicion and seduction ensues", according to one review. Primal (32) - an assassin and a jaguar are caged up on the same boat... until they aren't (I need to watch this).
- NB: I cheated a little with Cage, and ignored two higher rated recent releases - Willy's Wonderland (44) - Meet the Feebles with Cage and horror; & Color Out Of Space (70) - alien causes people to trip-out. I ignored both these, as they are clearly both just ridiculous premises to allow Cage to go absolutely bat-shit over the top pure-Nicolas-Cage.
Liam Neeson
- High: Schindler's List (94)
- Low: Taken 3 (26)
- Noteworthy - as far as action movies go, we'd probably rate his peak as Taken? Which ranks a lowly 51 MetaScore anyway. Darkman is higher, at 65
- Of late: The Ice Road (42) - Liam Neeson drives a truck across ice. The Marksman (44) - Liam Neeson plays a Marksman, who never uses his unique skills as a Marksman (reviewed here, I think?). Honest Thief (46) - a thief, but who's a good guy - honest, is forced to use his unique skills to save himself from corrupt cops, or some shit.
The numbers seem to support the defence of Neeson. He never really did anything great, other than Schindler's List. And his recent dross is nowhere near the depths of shit the others have fallen to.
Travolta - also never really flew that high, but his lows... wow... they're low.
Willis - probably has the longest fall, from the highest of highs, to the lowest of lows.
Cage - his action highs were pretty generic Bruckheimer nonsense. His lows, pretty bad, but not Willis-level pure-shit.And with that - I've wasted my Sunday afternoon, and unfortunately identified a whole heap of shit movies I feel obliged to watch.
Here you go. I haven't forced myself to watch Breach starring Bruce Willis yet, and it still doesn't have a MetaScore, but it does have a MetaCritic User-rating of 0.8, and IMDB rating of 3.1.
Fuck it - downloading now... -
Can you not apply a credit in the bank rating? Willis would have a pretty good credit balance to begin with, Travolta less so and Cage was pretty much on a nil balance to start with.
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@catogrande said in Re: Movie review thread...:
Can you not apply a credit in the bank rating? Willis would have a pretty good credit balance to begin with, Travolta less so and Cage was pretty much on a nil balance to start with.
Are you using Die Hard 1-3 as credit to balance out everything?
Cage has got a pretty good balance too with Face Off, Leaving Las Vegas, The Rock, Con Air etc.
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@catogrande said in Re: Movie review thread...:
Can you not apply a credit in the bank rating? Willis would have a pretty good credit balance to begin with, Travolta less so and Cage was pretty much on a nil balance to start with.
Saturday Night Fever is a bona fide fucken classic and Raising Arizona is great fun too.
Willis did nothing of that standard apart from Die Hard and Pulp Fiction ( which of course raises Travoltas rating too )
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@bovidae said in Re: Movie review thread...:
Willis was in plenty of action movies as good as the Cage movies @nepia listed, and I like those. The Sixth Sense is a good movie too. A negative for Armageddon though.
When I think of Willis and Travolta it makes me admire Quentin Tarantino even more than I do. His ability to get the best out of forgotten/unknown actors is extraordinary.
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Sin city, Last Boy Scout, unbreakable, 12 monkeys, Ally McBeal
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@catogrande Pass on that last one.
Add in The Fifth Element and Tears of the Sun.
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@bovidae said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@catogrande Pass on
that last one. all of themAdd in The Fifth Element and Tears of the Sun.
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@nepia I'm pretty sure in one of those Taken sequels Neeson looked as dangerous as Frank Spencer. An old, frail Frank Spencer.
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@raznomore said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@mn5 little known whimpy lead, Jason Mamoa, visionary director....
The big give away is Jason Mamoa. He generally attaches himself to utter shit.
I see your Jason Mamoa and I raise a recent Temuera Morrison in return. Hell, even an Amber Heard.
Put them together with Nicole Kidman and you have a ham and cheese casserole. Without much casserole. God, Aquaman was so bad... -
@nostrildamus said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@nepia I'm pretty sure in one of those Taken sequels Neeson looked as dangerous as Frank Spencer. An old, frail Frank Spencer.
Taken 3. The arthritis years.
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@mn5 said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@catogrande said in Re: Movie review thread...:
Can you not apply a credit in the bank rating? Willis would have a pretty good credit balance to begin with, Travolta less so and Cage was pretty much on a nil balance to start with.
Saturday Night Fever is a bona fide fucken classic and Raising Arizona is great fun too.
Willis did nothing of that standard apart from Die Hard and Pulp Fiction ( which of course raises Travoltas rating too )
Fifth Element is great.
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Breach - with Bruce Willis as a supporting actor behind... Cody Kearsley.
- Titwatch: zero
- shite
- Just: boring shite.
- Not B-grade or C-grade shite, but interesting... just boring C-grade shite
- Bruce Willis as an apparent "bad-ass" - but literally stands still and just watches other people get fucked up in the first few "action scenes". Just stands, and watches, as if rating the action.
- One character commands the elite team to "Watch your six" - and then everybody stares ahead without a single glance behind
- Above nitpicking point - the only interesting thing to nit-pick about... it's just so bland, I can't even choose interesting things to complain about
0 nothing-interestings out of 5 cant-think-of-anythings.
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Willy's Wonderland
- Nicholas Cage did some drugs, watched Meet The Feebles, woke up with an idea for a movie
- Nicholas Cage, around the same time, pondered the question "Could I do an entire movie without speaking a word, and yet still over-act?"
- Tit-watch: pretty much zero. There's the compulsory "teenagers having sex in a dangerous location, about to get murdered" scene... with a large-breasted teenage American girl riding cowboy-style, but with a bra on. Because that's how it's done.
- This movie is trying to be weird, and kinda succeeds, but in the lamest of ways. "What's with the energy-drinks and pinball? Why isn't Nic Cage talking? Ahh... actually, I don't care."
- The "It's Your Birthday" song is not a patch on Sebastian's classic "Sodomy"
2 animatronic Weasels, out of 5 just-watch-Meet-The-Feebles-again...s.
If you don't know what Meet The Feebles is, then fuck you, go find out, watch it, or I'll cut you. -
Infinite
Marky Mark woke up and thought... "The OId Guard - that was quite well received", and "The Matrix - that was ages ago, we could just steal scenes from that shamelessly"... actually "Kill Bill", that did quite well, let's just take some shit people will remember from that.- Tit-watch zero. Wahlberg gets his top off, for the ladies who like 50 year old man-breast
- Story-line - as above. Somebody saw The Old Guard. Thought we could make a B-grade copy of that. But we can't be too obvious, so....
- Drop in some ridiculous plot holes,
- And every B-grade action movie cliche...
- But throw cash and Marky Mark at it... it's gotta work, right?
- We've got hero female sidekick lining up against baddie female sidekick on the sub-climax,
- While main hero goes up against main baddie in the match-up which really matters,
and just gets more and more ridiculous. EVERY cliche ticked off here. Baddie gets away. Nope, Hero actually made it onto the plane. Baddie kills the Hero. Nope - super-hero powers now. Hand-to-hand fight on a plane which is rotating and gyrating randomly. Bomb... out into the air. Hero jumps after it. Tries to defuse. Baddie follows. Skydiving fight. Just... fucking get to the blue power-beam of faith colliding with the red power-beam of darkness already? - Fuck, that reminds me... the goodies really are all about "faith", and the bad guy is all about he's lost his "faith", but even when he sees a sign that he's been asking for, that maybe that whole "God exists, but he's just a bit of a fluffybunny" thing is correct... he sticks with the plan which was all along based on his loss of faith
Stupid movie. Great movie.
These days - it's all the same shit.- 3 "the baddies knew where the goodies' base was the entire time, never suspected that's where they might have taken the critical character, and never attacked previously despite obviously having been able to at any time, 'winning the war'"
- out of
5 "come on baddie, you've sucked it up an apparent 'infinite' amount of times (clearly wrong) - just suck it up once or twice more, and fucking get more scientists, with more science behind them, to just fucking invent the same thing, or better. For fuck's sake, you're just a kid who doesn't want to go to bed"s
Still - unbelievable/ridiculous premise, to just get highly-skilled muthafuckas battling against swarms of nearly-highly-skilled fluffybunnies, with guns, and cars, and hand-to-hand, and what-not. Shit... it's a recipe which is never going to fail with this dumb fluffybunny. I will download and watch every single one of these stupid admissions to the human culture archive.
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@kruse said in Re: Movie review thread...:
Willy's Wonderland
- Nicholas Cage did some drugs, watched Meet The Feebles, woke up with an idea for a movie
- Nicholas Cage, around the same time, pondered the question "Could I do an entire movie without speaking a word, and yet still over-act?"
- Tit-watch: pretty much zero. There's the compulsory "teenagers having sex in a dangerous location, about to get murdered" scene... with a large-breasted teenage American girl riding cowboy-style, but with a bra on. Because that's how it's done.
- This movie is trying to be weird, and kinda succeeds, but in the lamest of ways. "What's with the energy-drinks and pinball? Why isn't Nic Cage talking? Ahh... actually, I don't care."
- The "It's Your Birthday" song is not a patch on Sebastian's classic "Sodomy"
2 animatronic Weasels, out of 5 just-watch-Meet-The-Feebles-again...s.
If you don't know what Meet The Feebles is, then fuck you, go find out, watch it, or I'll cut you.Upvote solely for the Feebles reference
