Food disasters/horror stories
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<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="MN5" data-cid="597815" data-time="1468819246"><p>All I'll say is many of these stories are genuinely funnier than bad shit scenes you see in movies. So much imagery invoked....Top marks fellas.<br></p></blockquote>Mokey needs to switch to trying her hand at a toilet humour novel, plenty of material here
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<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="canefan" data-cid="597818" data-time="1468820674">
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<p>Mokey needs to switch to trying her hand at a toilet humour novel, plenty of material here</p>
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<p>When toilet humour surpasses romance as the number one, multi billion dollar a year genre, I totally will.</p> -
<p>you know there is a market for a fusion right?</p>
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On the food poisoning front, I once awoke early in the morning after a big night out and instantly knew I was in trouble. It was like a nauseous hangover plus the raging shits at the same time.<br><br>
I ran to the loo and experienced my first ever three-way splash. It was basically a total evacuation.<br><br>
Problem was that the basin was just a little bit too far away while sitting on the loo, but I got around that initially - while my lower half was busy ejecting, I could just about projectile vomit into the basin.<br><br>
After the initial waves of nausea, cramps and panic subsided I remember feeling I dealt with it pretty well considering. I was catching my breath when another sudden urge to spew hit me. I stood up to get a bit nearer to the basin, but the strain of vomming caused another shit spray from the rear. <br><br>
Needless to say I ended up missing both loo and basin - a massive clear up operation ensued. -
<p>Havent had any of the disasters you guys have had but when my son was about three I went into placemakers on xmas eve just before they closed. I had him in my arms at the checkout and was thinking he looked a bit green around the gills when he suddenly projectile vomited blueberry yoghurt and whatever else was in his stomach all over him, the counter and me. </p>
<p>Mostly over the counter though, the harridan behind the till glared at me and said "thanks alot " as I handed her the money and bolted leaving her to clean up the mess. </p> -
<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="antipodean" data-cid="597732" data-time="1468797161">
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<p><a data-ipb='nomediaparse' href='http://i.imgur.com/pwUNg7i.gifv'>http://i.imgur.com/pwUNg7i.gifv</a></p>
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<p>This is what the internet was meant for. Bravo.</p> -
<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="jegga" data-cid="597847" data-time="1468828723">
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<p>Havent had any of the disasters you guys have had but when my son was about three I went into placemakers on xmas eve just before they closed. I had him in my arms at the checkout and was thinking he looked a bit green around the gills when he suddenly projectile vomited blueberry yoghurt and whatever else was in his stomach all over him, the counter and me. </p>
<p>Mostly over the counter though, the harridan behind the till glared at me and said "thanks alot " as I handed her the money and<strong> bolted leaving her to clean up the mess. </strong></p>
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<p>What</p>
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<p>A</p>
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<p>fluffybunny :mocking:</p> -
Years ago attended a really intense and demanding conference in Sydney. <br><br>
Last night was immense as we all had a blow out after 10 consecutive 16 hour working days Somehow got thru last day and then had another big session in the koru lounge<br><br>
Most of us were heading back to Akl ( another 3 hrs of gin) but one guy was on the flight to chch <br><br>
Everything went well until 5 mins into the flight when he decided to let rip a sneaky fart and didn't just have a follow through but totally voided his bowels. <br><br>
Worse the smell was so bad he also threw up all over the Japanese tourist he'd previously being trying to hit on. <br><br>
Why he told us this story I have no idea. -
<p>Perth Airport years ago.</p>
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<p>All bags and clothes checked in</p>
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<p>Thought passing wind would help relieve tummy ache</p>
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<p>Was very wrong</p>
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<p>Did you know that airport shops sell heaps of t shirts, shirts, sweaters even scarves</p>
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<p>but not one pair of cunting strides</p>
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<p>luckily only a 7 hour flight then 1 hour stopover then another flight....</p> -
<p>Slightly off tangent as this is not a food poisoning/bowel voiding story, but it is amusing nonetheless.</p>
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<p>An old mate and his then girlfriend, now wife were holidaying in Greece. Both were (are) complete piss heads and had undertaken a memorable liquid lunch with my mate also being a glutton he woofed down a good few kebabs or whatever. They then lay and vegetated by the pool. The GF decided it was too hot and was going back to the apartment to sleep it off. Mate stayed by the pool. After about an hour he realised he needed a dump and went back to the apartment. Alas! No keys. He went round the side of the apartment block and called up to the GF but no answer, she was dead to the world. What to do? There he is in the hot sun, wearing nothing but a pair of speedos and he's got the tortoise's head coming on. "I know" he says, "I can climb up this drainpipe, clamber up onto the balcony, and then hop round to the next balcony which is our apartment. Window is open - bob's your uncle". His descriptions of trying to shimmy up a drainpipe and across two balconies wearing his budgie-smugglers with an impending turd of cataclysmic proportions was very amusing, although he still did not see the funny side. Anyway, he made it without any accidents and got into the toilet, decked his speedos and "Oh My God. The ecstasy". After he had been able to draw breath and wipe the sweat off his brow he noticed that the bathroom looked a little different - he'd got the wrong apartment. He took a careful look into the bedroom to see a young couple asleep on the bed. What to do was again the next dilemma. He took the coward's way out and snuck carefully and quietly out the door, leaving a steaming pile of droppings in the bog.</p>
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<p>I can only think that the romance of that young couple was short lived as both would deny to this day that they were the culprit and of course neither would believe the other. So my friends (male) would you still be enamoured with a lady that you thought had laid a stone and a half of dog's eggs in the bog without flushing and then tried to lay the blame on you?</p>
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<p>I think not.</p> -
On a ferry crossing from Dun Laoghaire (Ireland) to Holyhead. It was in the days Ireland had the Punt as currency and it was about 1.36 to the Pound. <br><br>
Now the Guinness on the ferry back to England was in Pounds so from an Irish perspective this was very cheap.<br><br>
So 9.00 in the morning and there is pandemonium in the bar. Guys buying 3-4 pints each, all those little round tables absolutely full of piss, every drinking like there is no tomorrow.<br><br>
By about 12.00 noon it turned into the roughest crossing the Irish Sea had ever thrown at humanity. <br><br>
By about 1.00 pm virtually all the passengers were puking everywhere. It was Armageddon. And given so much Guinness was consumed, the volume of sick was staggering- every time the ferry pitched, it literary flowed from one side of the boat to the other.<br><br>
I saw grown men crying for their mothers, I saw a mother with babe in arms spew everywhere including over the baby. I then saw same baby spewing all over the mother.<br><br>
There was no point going to the toilets, there was more puke on the floor than in the bog. One man after too many Guinesses and no sea legs managed to fall over in it when the ship rolled.<br><br>
it was far and away the funniest journey I've ever been on. -
<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="dogmeat" data-cid="597901" data-time="1468836595">
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<p>Years ago attended a really intense and demanding conference in Sydney.<br><br>
Last night was immense as we all had a blow out after 10 consecutive 16 hour working days Somehow got thru last day and then had another big session in the koru lounge<br><br>
Most of us were heading back to Akl ( another 3 hrs of gin) but one guy was on the flight to chch<br><br>
Everything went well until 5 mins into the flight when he decided to let rip a sneaky fart and didn't just have a follow through but totally voided his bowels.<br><br><strong>Worse the smell was so bad he also threw up all over the Japanese tourist he'd previously being trying to hit on.</strong><br><br>
Why he told us this story I have no idea.</p>
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<p>Did he still score ?</p>
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<p>I remember being 17 and having more than a few cans of Lion Brown with the boys at a mates place ( the kind of classic, his folks are away type party, we kept it on the down low not wanting hundreds turning up though ). There was about 10 of us and the girls weren't due to arrive for quite awhile so we were hoeing into the piss and listening to Chillis, FNM and Rage in the kitchen like there was no tomorrow. I wisely decided I wasn't getting drunk fast enough ( cos chicks love witty, charming drunk guys ) so decided to have a few rums as well. Bear in mind my sensitive guts weren't conditioned to the awesome drinking machine I was to become in my 20s ( funnily enough as I get older I find myself reverting back to how I was ). Anyway, the girls turned up later, the one I was seeing, her twin sister who my mate was seeing and other mates of hers who thought they'd have a crack. By the time they showed I was convalescing on the couch and my GF thought I was just resting so decided to jump on me for a cuddle........she landed right on my stomach...... </p>
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<p>anyway, the spew from the Power Chuck I had went in her hair, on her top and on her jeans, fucken EVERYWHERE. You know how something catastrophic happens and you sober up really fast ? I thought I'd completely and utterly fucked things up but by some miracle it turned out to be a blessing in disguise cos she ushered me into the bathroom, stripped off, hopped in the shower and cleaned herself up all while I was watching ! If there was anything more erotic than bits of chunder cascading down a nubile teens body I certainly hadn't seen it at that stage of my life.....</p>
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<p>I went and borrowed some clothes from our hosts sister for her and as she was going out we had a ( single ) bed to stay in while everyone else coma'd out in halls, couches etc. She did make sure I gargled lots of Listerine and chucked on some of the old mans aftershave though......</p>
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<p>That was probably the biggest triumph over adversity I ever had as a teen.</p> -
<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="jegga" data-cid="597847" data-time="1468828723">
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<p>Havent had any of the disasters you guys have had but when my son was about three I went into placemakers on xmas eve just before they closed. I had him in my arms at the checkout and was thinking he looked a bit green around the gills when he suddenly projectile vomited blueberry yoghurt and whatever else was in his stomach all over him, the counter and me. </p>
<p>Mostly over the counter though, the harridan behind the till glared at me and said "thanks alot " as I handed her the money and bolted leaving her to clean up the mess. </p>
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<p>When I was in the UK, was the weekend before I was coming home and had had a big night out with a bunch of ferners, watching black caps, sinking piss all day...I was staying at Kirwan and Duluths, Kirwan took us home via a Kebab shop, I usually try to avoid eating at dodgy places when drunk unless I had eaten there before, but I was famished, had a chicken burger.</p>
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<p>Anywhoo, to make a short story shorter, I vomited in their sink a few times, also on the train on the way back my place I managed to get the window down between the carriages and most of the vomit went in there a few times too...when I got to my destination I did offer to clean it up (as I was dry reaching in front of the guy) who just looked at me like I was stupid and walked off...spent the rest of the day calling Herb on the big white telephone.</p>
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<p>I'm not a fan of Indian foods, but like Thai, Mexican etc</p> -
<p>Had a mate at Uni get so drunk on vodka and red bulls once, he looked like he was vomiting bloody down the sink. It was an old farmhouse we lived in, and had one of those enamel cast-iron sinks. He gripped it so hard be bruised all the tends in his hands.</p>
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<p>Ah Nick. Weird coloured drinks. An old hanger-on at my rugby club, Irishman, great guy was celebrating St Patrick's Day at the club and drinking rum & black "'Cos the coppers can't smell it on yer breath". No Ray but the purple vomit down the front of your shirt might give them a clue.</p>
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<p>We had to take his car keys off him in the end.</p> -
<p>Christmas Eve 2000, after heading to the church and then the local, my all Australian flatmates proceeded to completely destroy me over a drinking game. Then, in some sort of lame effort to bring me back from the trashed, we all had some spicy KFC.</p>
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<p>Christmas Day was a disaster. I ate one potato, and spent at one point an hour on the bog with a bucket in front of me, with it going badly from both ends. I strained so hard at one point I burst a blood vessel my eye. I had the shakes all over my body from the tensing up. </p>
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<p>Biggest hangover ever - check</p>
<p>Food poisoning - check</p>
<p>Spicy food - check</p>
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<p>Never been so ill.</p> -
<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="barbarian" data-cid="596729" data-time="1468556954">
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<p>Still can’t believe the bar had a wall-less toilet. The humanity…</p>
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<p>Dunno why you were so bothered. I've shat many a time in a dunny like that, it's much much weirder for the other patrons I assure you.</p>
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<p>Not sure why but that reminds me of the time the previous nights curry came a rumbling when I was in a dodgy-as-fuck bar in Puerto Galera in the Philippines. Probably 100 people in this bar, of which 80 were working girls, the other 20 fat white foreigners. Luckily the one bog in there was avilable and I locked myself in there and unleashed fury.</p>
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<p>the place had no window, no a/c and was about 50 degrees and humid. I was stuck there for about 15 minutes whilst I sensed an angry mob was gathering outside. People were smashing on the door, and then when security was threatening to break it down, I finally manged to get a break. Opened the door to about 20 people looking at me. I was 100% soaked to the bone - all sweat, my hair was dripping like I'd been in a shower, and everybody was just looking at me with a "what the fuck" expression.</p>
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<p>Security was none-impressed, but I hadn't really done anything wrong. After buying a round, they gave me a free t-shirt to change into so alls well that ends well, but I'm fucking glad nobody had a camera.</p>