Movie review thread...
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@kruse said in Re: Movie review thread...:
Right - on a request from a dirty stinking TSF lurker...
I watched a little thing called...
The Velocipastor
It's your classic "catholic pastor becomes a sort of were-dinosaur"
Trailer:
I'd watched that trailer, and assumed I knew what I was in for.
I was in for a surprise, or several.So....
- Tit-watch: zero. There's a sex scene, which never reveals anything more than a bra. And a montage. A fucking weird montage set to the director's mate's band playing shit music. And at no point does the bra come off. Or any other underwear. In fact, at the end of it - post-coitus, as it were - they're both wearing underwear. Which comes in handy, because then... ninjas!
But, fuck, I'm getting ahead of myself.
- Opening scene sets a really good tone for this thing. Priest, sermon, walks outside - sees his parents by a car - wave, smile, cut away, cut back to where the parents and car WERE - but now it's an empty car-park with text on-screen stating "VFX: car on fire"
This was my first out-loud "what... the... fuck?" - Over the course of this movie - I literally said out loud "... the fuck?" 2 or 3 times, and "What. The. Fuck." another 2 or 3 times. It would have been more, I was tired.
- We meet a pimp. A subtle character. His name is Frankie Mermaid. Why? "Because he's swimming in pussy." He decides to go into confession. "Over the last 4 days? I stole candy from a baby... then I threw that baby into the river... so he couldn't snitch, obviously"
- I noted this dialogue early on, before realising it was fucking low-key compared to the rest:
Hooker: "I don't know much about God"
Priest who's a were-dinosaur: "Well, I don't know much about dinosaurs" - There's one of several montages, with the priest-were-dinosaur working out, for some reason, giving an air-fist-pump, and also burgeoning romance... all mixed together. Why would you work-out if your plan is to use your dinosaur "persona" to fight evil? I don't know... that question becomes the smallest of your worries very quickly
- Ninjas!
All of a sudden there are fucking ninjas. I had some small quibbles with the ninjas early on, but again - they became relatively insignificant in hindsight, after the fucking madness that comes later - Before spoilers - I'll note that there is a scene of the priest reading up on how to use his were-dinosaur-ery... he's reading "All About Dinosaurs", and "Crime 2". That's... kind of a nice little summary of this movie, in some ways
- Oh - there's a Vietnam flashback. This has got a WHOLE lot of what-the-fuckery going on. A fucking WHOLE lot.
- And then... Here be spoilers...
- Fucking ninjas. Just... everything you thought you knew about these ninjas goes out the fucking window.
They're christians.
But... they're drug dealers, I hear you say?
Yeah - but their plan is to get everybody addicted to drugs, and then cut off the supply, so that everybody has to join AA-type meetings, and get converted to Christianity.
And they're chinese.
And one of them is the priest's brother. - And now there's a magic sword.
- And there's a scene of a blood drenched man holding his enemy's head over his own, with a freeze-frame and then the imposed text of a Gandhi quote about eradicating violence
- And then some more What-The-Actual-Fuck-ery with the aid of magical screen text
All in all - I give The Velociraptor - 4.5 good-intentioned christian dinosaurs out of 5 evil-intentioned christian ninjas.
The missing 0.5 - is because for about 10 minutes in the middle of the film - I thought I knew what was going on... and that felt kinda meandering.In all seriousness, you should collate all these on a website or something. Much bette than IMDb or Rotten Tomatoes.
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Heat - I used to like it. I don't think I do any longer.
- Kilmer, Pacino, and De Niro - are all so fucking young
It's just a depressing reminder of how badly they've aged, and how badly I've aged
Sure, with some sweet sweet gunfire to distract one from depression.
Edit: but after having watched some clips from the original on youtube, I did realise how fucking great De Niro and Pacino are as actors... taking word-for-word absolute shite dialogue, and actually making it work... kudos.
- Kilmer, Pacino, and De Niro - are all so fucking young
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@kruse said in Re: Movie review thread...:
Heat - I used to like it. I don't think I do any longer.
- Kilmer, Pacino, and De Niro - are all so fucking young
It's just a depressing reminder of how badly they've aged, and how badly I've aged
Sure, with some sweet sweet gunfire to distract one from depression.
Edit: but after having watched some clips from the original on youtube, I did realise how fucking great De Niro and Pacino are as actors... taking word-for-word absolute shite dialogue, and actually making it work... kudos.
Heat is amazing. I demand you watch it again and give a full review.
- Kilmer, Pacino, and De Niro - are all so fucking young
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Shakedown (aka Blue Jean Cop) was one of my favourite childhood movies.
Review of ‘Shakedown’ (1988) ★★★★
Two movies in one, the first is a relatively breezy courtroom drama about a public defender played by Peter Weller, who goes all in on the case of a drug dealer who killed a crooked cop in self…
Two movies in one, the first is a relatively breezy courtroom drama about a public defender played by Peter Weller, who goes all in on the case of a drug dealer who killed a crooked cop in self defense all the while falling back in love with an old flame who is the ADA, the other is high-80s action with Sam Elliot as a Texas shitkicker who also an undercover narc. This movie luxuriates in the depravity of crack-era New York City. Multiple scenes of crack orgies, crack parties, women getting turned out for crack, dirty cops, and crack dealing. Its gritty portrayal of 80s NYC, with all real locations, is slightly undercut by scenes where Elliot and Weller do shootouts on motorcycles and Elliot takes down a plane by shooting the engines from the landing gear and it narrowly misses the Twin Towers. High-test 80s shit. A must see.
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Started watching Gunpowder Milkshake last night (it's on Netflix US for free but at cinemas in NZ).
Much drier than the ads make out, trying a bit too hard to be a cool female action movie that appeal to men.
I snoozed off so may have to have another go to see if it was a slow burn -
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@antipodean said in Re: Movie review thread...:
The Tomorrow War
Time travel version of Aliens and Starship Troopers. Much, much worse than it sounds.
oh i cam to review this
watched on friday. had a couple of wines first. Got in trouble from family by yelling "it doesn't matter because x will happen you fucking idiots"
They then go "oh, but we could do x" and look it works. sorta
it's very very average despite Chris Pratt and a hot chick.
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@mariner4life I didnt mind it.
Not a great film or a classic, but a decent watch
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@crucial said in Re: Movie review thread...:
Started watching Gunpowder Milkshake last night (it's on Netflix US for free but at cinemas in NZ).
Much drier than the ads make out, trying a bit too hard to be a cool female action movie that appeal to men.
I snoozed off so may have to have another go to see if it was a slow burnOk. Watching again now. Was obviously too tired last night for it. Think John Wick with chicks and a sense of humour.
Three and a half milkshakes out of five library books. -
@mariner4life said in Re: Movie review thread...:
yelling "it doesn't matter because x will happen you fucking idiots"
Could be the tagline for pretty much every single time travel movie.
But this one - jesus, even all the work they went to in creating a purpose and/or emotional weight/importance to that first half... thrown away. Or rather, blown up... with C4.I keep meaning to re-watch Primer... as I have a vague memory that it actually kinda made sense. But I was a young optimistic fool when I watched it. Now - re-watching as a G.O.M. - I'll probably be spluttering with rage at the inconsistencies, without even having the decency of a veneer of aliens and 'splosions and a hot chick to distract.
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@Kruse if you are looking for a movie to watch...
Currently has a rating of 7.2/10 (10 people have rated it)
It is very topical
Nine people have been locked down together in a house while trying to make a movie. Unknowingly, one of their group is infected with Covid-19. The next three weeks become a life and death struggle for survival with no help from the outside amidst a global pandemic and national chaos.
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@kruse said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@mariner4life said in Re: Movie review thread...:
yelling "it doesn't matter because x will happen you fucking idiots"
Could be the tagline for pretty much every single time travel movie.
But this one - jesus, even all the work they went to in creating a purpose and/or emotional weight/importance to that first half... thrown away. Or rather, blown up... with C4.I keep meaning to re-watch Primer... as I have a vague memory that it actually kinda made sense. But I was a young optimistic fool when I watched it. Now - re-watching as a G.O.M. - I'll probably be spluttering with rage at the inconsistencies, without even having the decency of a veneer of aliens and 'splosions and a hot chick to distract.
was about to say 'watch Primer' when I read your second paragraph. It holds together really well, but absolutely screws with yoru head. You may need (SPOILER ALERT) something like this
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@taniwharugby said in Re: Movie review thread...:
@Kruse if you are looking for a movie to watch...
Currently has a rating of 7.2/10 (10 people have rated it)
It is very topical
Nine people have been locked down together in a house while trying to make a movie. Unknowingly, one of their group is infected with Covid-19. The next three weeks become a life and death struggle for survival with no help from the outside amidst a global pandemic and national chaos.
10 people have rated it... let's count... 9 cast members, 1 producer/cameraman?
House of Quarantine (2020) ⭐ 2.4 | Thriller
