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@mariner4life well done, I bet that took some courage
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@Kiwiwomble yep. Worth it though. Last couple of years have been way better.
I learned a lesson that day. Raising shit, no matter how tough, is of massive benefit. The conversation rarely goes the way it does when we run it through our heads 20 times first.
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@mariner4life said in Happiness Scale:
Nah, the wife's busy season had dragged from the usual 4 months to nearly 6. During said busy season i am damn near a solo parent for a huge amount of it. I was desperately unhappy at home.
And I told her. I told her the toll it took on me. Which isn't easy when she is the one working all hours. Missing the kids etc. But I did it because that was the first time I ever understood how affairs happen.
And it was for the better. Changes were made.
Fuck it took me a bit to suck up the courage to raise it.Going back a couple of years, the wife showed me this article about helping around the house and the positives it has for couples. "Fair enough, I'll take that on board" I said. And I have.
A while later I showed HER an article in relation to relationships being more equitable e.g. wife initiating a bit more affection (yes, sex, but also other intimate elements) instead of the husband constantly feeling the need and then getting knocked back and feeling like a kicked dog. The story was the same: husbands feeling ignored will end up looking for stimulus elsewhere - emotionally or sexually.
Anger, tears. "If you don't like it then leave!" and when I said I wasn't about to leave "Fine - if you don't have the balls I'LL leave"
Long story short it came down to her Mum, and the fact she wasn't dealing with it. Won't get counselling "why pay to cry for an hour?" etc.
All I can rely on is time, and scraps
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Not trying to be disrespectful but
I don't know how you.guys who aren't really happy at home do it. No matter the state of the day, I love coming home.
I have a couple of mates who cannot say the same, and I just don't know how they do it.
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@mariner4life think I just don’t have the courage to change anything and I know my life is actually good or at least better than a lot so don’t feel I can really complain
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I hate that equivalency shit "oh you should be happy, other people have it worse" no fuck that. Male mental health is an issue because of shit like this.
If some shit in your life isn't working for you, it needs to be addressed. That level of address won't always be the same, nor will the outcome. But, never be hesitant to work on yourself because society likes to tell you it's not a big deal.
Maybe you need to talk to someone to crystalise your thoughts? I know you year has been really fucked up so I'm not surprised your head is battling
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@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
I think there is enough happiness with other elements of the home life, to keep me going at this point. Until the old duck kicks it, I'm not in a position to evaluate "normal".
Yeah mate I understand.
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@mariner4life plus, after watching the bullshit divorce proceedings with the bro in law? Fuck that.
Mrs TA has commented a couple of times something like "... In the unlikely event we ever got divorced, I'd like to think it would be far more civilized than that."
I agree of course, outwardly, while thinking she doesn't understand the true meaning of "hell hath no furry like a woman scorned"
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It still amazes me people who divorce saying they have no feelings either way for the other person, spending the next few years dreaming up all sorts of stupid shit they say is to get even but really just creates pain for everyone else including themselves. I'd say I'd go into a divorce openly, fairly, and honestly but I bet everyone says that.
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@nostrildamus said in Happiness Scale:
It still amazes me people who divorce saying they have no feelings either way for the other person, spending the next few years dreaming up all sorts of stupid shit they say is to get even but really just creates pain for everyone else including themselves.
My ex behaved like that. I tried to keep my cool and behave reasonably in the hope she would see sense, we'd work something out and draw a line in the sand and move on.. She didn't and went the whole court route. It pretty much backfired on her and she ended up with way less than I had offered.
Worst 2 years of my life at the time, but in many ways some great stuff came out of it.
From what I hear, 12 years on, she's still bitter. I've got more important things in life to worry about.
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@nostrildamus said in Happiness Scale:
I'd say I'd go into a divorce openly, fairly, and honestly but I bet everyone says that.
Mrs M and her Ex managed that really well. So well in fact that the judge granting the divorce wanted to meet them to make sure there was no coercion going on.
Not really someone I've had a lot to do with or share a beer with, and Mrs M doesn't keep in contact much, but he's always been there when Mrs M has needed help with her parents and kids
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@mariner4life said in Happiness Scale:
I hate that equivalency shit "oh you should be happy, other people have it worse" no fuck that. Male mental health is an issue because of shit like this.
If some shit in your life isn't working for you, it needs to be addressed. That level of address won't always be the same, nor will the outcome. But, never be hesitant to work on yourself because society likes to tell you it's not a big deal.
Maybe you need to talk to someone to crystalise your thoughts? I know you year has been really fucked up so I'm not surprised your head is battling
Male mental health has been neglected for so long its almost criminal. There is not much support out there for men. DV support is based around them being the respondent, men often feel like they get screwed in the family court, they feel like they get screwed in divorce courts, are more likely to get longer prison sentences, are more likely to be portrayed as monsters rather than victims in the justice system and media, are more likely to die at work and more likely to kill themselves. Sometimes I wonder whether the lack of support drives some men to explode and commit horrible crimes.
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@Victor-Meldrew said in Happiness Scale:
@nostrildamus said in Happiness Scale:
It still amazes me people who divorce saying they have no feelings either way for the other person, spending the next few years dreaming up all sorts of stupid shit they say is to get even but really just creates pain for everyone else including themselves.
My ex behaved like that. I tried to keep my cool and behave reasonably in the hope she would see sense, we'd work something out and draw a line in the sand and move on.. She didn't and went the whole court route. It pretty much backfired on her and she ended up with way less than I had offered.
Worst 2 years of my life at the time, but in many ways some great stuff came out of it.
From what I hear, 12 years on, she's still bitter. I've got more important things in life to worry about.
Me, my other half and my parents are going to my ex wife’s sons ( aka my boys little brother ) 2nd birthday today. It will be awesome.
Forget bitterness, move on with life. We’re tied together by my boys but it works.
The only downside is the small fortune I have to pay in Xmas gifts.
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@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
@mariner4life plus, after watching the bullshit divorce proceedings with the bro in law? Fuck that.
Mrs TA has commented a couple of times something like "... In the unlikely event we ever got divorced, I'd like to think it would be far more civilized than that."
I agree of course, outwardly, while thinking she doesn't understand the true meaning of "hell hath no furry like a woman scorned"
My ex and I said the same thing. Mates of ours ( also divorced around the same time we were ) spent a fucken FORTUNE on lawyers. We swore we’d never do that and we didn’t, they were a good indication of how not to handle shit. Obviously there were a few fees with property division etc but nothing too bad really. I got a raise and bonuses paid over COVID and was happy to put child support up accordingly.
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I'll play.
I'll ask myself if I would have done anything different "growing up" and getting to where I am now and the resounding answer is "hell yeah".
But it's been a long long time since I've not been happy.
I'm very happy and content with my life. We're ok financially. Could be a shit load better. Many people my age are.
But ...
... Mortgage on a nice house with sea views has only a couple of years to go. Pool would nice but $$$.
Job is ok. We were never threatened through COVID. Have worked for these guys for 14 years and whilst they could pay me more, and have their moments re job security there are worse employers.
Got some changes coming up. Ms Boo Jr's last year of school next year. After that Mrs Boo and I need to shift our focus quite a bit, if, as expected she shifts off to Uni. Will be a different vibe and we'll have to start planning what retirement looks like. I'm a few years away but Mrs Boo has a couple of years on me and we'll want to spend some meaningful time together.
I'm very much of the "any day above ground" mentality. I suspect I always have been, but having had a huge health scare (heart attack) 3 years ago I'm even more so.
So, regrets? I've had a few, but then again too few to mention ...
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Great thread, all humans have a unique individual story, and it is important to listen and hear others.
I have a long story, but the short version is 10 years in the Cops, left 2 years ago, moved to the country, suffer from PTSD and anxiety, became unemployed, struggled with loss of identity and connections from the Police. I quickly found myself in a pretty dark hole, nothing seemed to matter, I had lost all sense of purpose, nothing excited me, and I was at the lowest point I had been in my life.
I sat with my thoughts wondering how it came to this, as a teenager I took any job, did anything, spoke to anyone and was full of life without a care in the world. Fast forward 25 years and I was a grown man awake in the middle of the night wondering why my brain was torturing me. I read plenty of self-help books, reached out for help but nothing really worked.
Thankfully, over time things have gotten a lot better. If I reflect on what is different, the main thing is I found something to do, I was lucky to get part time work I enjoy. I had always enjoyed photography and decided to pursue that even more regardless if it made me any money. Once I became busy, started helping others and felt like I was contributing the chatter in the head faded, time has healed my wounds regarding the Police, and I can say I am excited about what is ahead.
It appears for me the medicine is being busy, focused and having a feeling of purpose. I truly hope everyone who is struggling can get the help they need, and I wish you all the best going forward.
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@MN5 said in Happiness Scale:
Forget bitterness, move on with life. We’re tied together by my boys but it works.
Was discussing "bitterness" with Mrs Meldrew a few weeks ago (she has a psychology degree) and why people persist with such a bloody corrosive emotion when they know it's doing them harm.
The conclusion she came to is that it is probably easier to remain bitter as it absolves you of the need to self-examine and do the often hard mental yards to move on. People become trapped in a hole and can't dig themselves out.
Happiness Scale
