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@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
@Paekakboyz said in Happiness Scale:
@NTA Ref called a free kick but you weren't the one delaying play. Rough bro, super rough.
There are no free kicks. There isn't even a 50/50 call going my way at ruck time.
There is only the mental grind of balancing what is worse for my mental health: getting rejected or not even bothering to try.
I get an opportunity about once a month if she's in the mood and there is precisely zero chance of some other event that might shatter the candyglass vase that is her positive mood. I assume that it is around the time she's ovulating - which is a dangerous criteria to base anything on for a woman in her mid-40s.
When I had COVID late last month, I lamented to her that it was a genuine shame because it was Horny Week. "Oh been keeping count have you?" she asked.
"More that I've noticed a pattern", I replied.
It has not occurred since July. Last week I got the "if my back can handle it" go-ahead in the afternoon, and then she was in bed asleep by 9PM.
Frustrating.
Some deal with it by picking up other hobbies and interests. Hanging out with mates in a bid to fill the void.
And with Rugby season over that could be an issue. Need more camping
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@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
Discrepancy in sex drive is a common problem.
I should also add: I don't think her sex drive is dead.
I get home sometimes when she's had the house to herself, and she's got that glow on, indicating she's meeting her own needs on occasion.
In the 2.5 years since COVID sent us all to work from home, we've had ample opportunities at lunch time or in dead spots during the week for sex. It happened once, in the July of 2020.
So, basically, the only conclusion I can draw: it's me.
The most frustrating part is that it has been like this for years, and when I bring it up she eventually gets angry and starts using her Mum's dementia as an excuse. I'm not convinced, TBH.
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@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
@Paekakboyz said in Happiness Scale:
@NTA Ref called a free kick but you weren't the one delaying play. Rough bro, super rough.
There are no free kicks. There isn't even a 50/50 call going my way at ruck time.
There is only the mental grind of balancing what is worse for my mental health: getting rejected or not even bothering to try.
I get an opportunity about once a month if she's in the mood and there is precisely zero chance of some other event that might shatter the candyglass vase that is her positive mood. I assume that it is around the time she's ovulating - which is a dangerous criteria to base anything on for a woman in her mid-40s.
When I had COVID late last month, I lamented to her that it was a genuine shame because it was Horny Week. "Oh been keeping count have you?" she asked.
"More that I've noticed a pattern", I replied.
It has not occurred since July. Last week I got the "if my back can handle it" go-ahead in the afternoon, and then she was in bed asleep by 9PM.
Frustrating.
Discrepancy in sex drive is a common problem. Some deal with it by picking up other hobbies and interests. Hanging out with mates in a bid to fill the void.
And with Rugby season over that could be an issue. Need more camping
You try to find a life partner who is a good person, and at the end of the day after life takes over, all you want is someone to get your rocks off with on a regular basis 🤷
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@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
Discrepancy in sex drive is a common problem.
I should also add: I don't think her sex drive is dead.
I get home sometimes when she's had the house to herself, and she's got that glow on, indicating she's meeting her own needs on occasion.
In the 2.5 years since COVID sent us all to work from home, we've had ample opportunities at lunch time or in dead spots during the week for sex. It happened once, in the July of 2020.
So, basically, the only conclusion I can draw: it's me.
The most frustrating part is that it has been like this for years, and when I bring it up she eventually gets angry and starts using her Mum's dementia as an excuse. I'm not convinced, TBH.
I'm not sure it's you. Lots of mates are in a similar position. Women just don't seem to generally need it the way men do. Oddly some of the women I know that become single again seem to get super horny. Not that I know what their drive was like before that
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@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
Discrepancy in sex drive is a common problem.
I should also add: I don't think her sex drive is dead.
I get home sometimes when she's had the house to herself, and she's got that glow on, indicating she's meeting her own needs on occasion.
In the 2.5 years since COVID sent us all to work from home, we've had ample opportunities at lunch time or in dead spots during the week for sex. It happened once, in the July of 2020.
So, basically, the only conclusion I can draw: it's me.
The most frustrating part is that it has been like this for years, and when I bring it up she eventually gets angry and starts using her Mum's dementia as an excuse. I'm not convinced, TBH.
I dunno what to say. I'm on sex every day level still, but raise my wife isn't. So I'm a big piston wristed gibbon. But man that says to me, time to move on in life. Nothing is forever
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@Machpants said in Happiness Scale:
@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
Discrepancy in sex drive is a common problem.
I should also add: I don't think her sex drive is dead.
I get home sometimes when she's had the house to herself, and she's got that glow on, indicating she's meeting her own needs on occasion.
In the 2.5 years since COVID sent us all to work from home, we've had ample opportunities at lunch time or in dead spots during the week for sex. It happened once, in the July of 2020.
So, basically, the only conclusion I can draw: it's me.
The most frustrating part is that it has been like this for years, and when I bring it up she eventually gets angry and starts using her Mum's dementia as an excuse. I'm not convinced, TBH.
I dunno what to say. I'm on sex every day level still, but raise my wife isn't. So I'm a big piston wristed gibbon. But man that says to me, time to move on in life. Nothing is forever
I know what you are saying. If she was willing I'd happily crack into it a few nights a week. And sometimes i wonder how it would be hitching up to a higher octane wagon. But I've seen some guys move on, and the destruction it does to their kids, their standard of living, and relationships with friends and family. I'm not willing to go scorched earth on my life just for new thrills and pussy
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@canefan which ultimately is why I'm hanging around. My daughter is the apple of my eye and I really enjoy her company. She's 3 years from finishing school. The boy is just about to do his HSC but has an early offer to Uni. I would hate putting that on them, even tho they also have issues with how she treats them sometimes.
Philosophically speaking, the marriage is ok but the relationship is not where it needs to be.
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@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
@canefan which ultimately is why I'm hanging around. My daughter is the apple of my eye and I really enjoy her company. She's 3 years from finishing school. The boy is just about to do his HSC but has an early offer to Uni. I would hate putting that on them, even tho they also have issues with how she treats them sometimes.
Philosophically speaking, the marriage is ok but the relationship is not where it needs to be.
For me the main thing missing is the physical aspect. And that can smooth over minor ills and massively improve the mood. I'm sure I'd let more shit go if my whistle was being blown more often
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@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
@canefan which ultimately is why I'm hanging around. My daughter is the apple of my eye and I really enjoy her company. She's 3 years from finishing school. The boy is just about to do his HSC but has an early offer to Uni. I would hate putting that on them, even tho they also have issues with how she treats them sometimes.
Philosophically speaking, the marriage is ok but the relationship is not where it needs to be.
Thats life getting in the way
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With all due respect, what is it you hope to get out of posting all these personal things on TSF, a website full of mostly bullshitting middle aged men?
I am not having a go, or criticizing, but I think you need to know the answer to this question (that’s you, not us). I suspect your situation is relatable to many (I’m not going to offer any insight on my own) so are you looking for advice? Solidarity? A few laughs?
I would be shocked if you went to a counselor if they said posting this stuff here was a good idea. Hence the questions.
I know your a tech nerd, so I’m sure you’ve got all bases covered but do your best to ensure your wife never finds out. As that could blow the situation up further.
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@MajorRage said in Happiness Scale:
With all due respect, what is it you hope to get out of posting all these personal things on TSF, a website full of mostly bullshitting middle aged men?
I am not having a go, or criticizing, but I think you need to know the answer to this question (that’s you, not us). I suspect your situation is relatable to many (I’m not going to offer any insight on my own) so are you looking for advice? Solidarity? A few laughs?
I would be shocked if you went to a counselor if they said posting this stuff here was a good idea. Hence the questions.
I know your a tech nerd, so I’m sure you’ve got all bases covered but do your best to ensure your wife never finds out. As that could blow the situation up further.
Men can't win. On the one hand men hold things in too much, but now we can't have conversation about shit that is on our minds with a bunch of people who we haven't ever met but seem to share commonalities with? Just can't win
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@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
@MajorRage said in Happiness Scale:
With all due respect, what is it you hope to get out of posting all these personal things on TSF, a website full of mostly bullshitting middle aged men?
I am not having a go, or criticizing, but I think you need to know the answer to this question (that’s you, not us). I suspect your situation is relatable to many (I’m not going to offer any insight on my own) so are you looking for advice? Solidarity? A few laughs?
I would be shocked if you went to a counselor if they said posting this stuff here was a good idea. Hence the questions.
I know your a tech nerd, so I’m sure you’ve got all bases covered but do your best to ensure your wife never finds out. As that could blow the situation up further.
Men can't win. On the one hand men hold things in too much, but now we can't have conversation about shit that is on our minds with a bunch of people who we haven't ever met but seem to share commonalities with? Just can't win
Just can’t comprehend, canefan.
Try a re read and think.
I’m saying quite the opposite.
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@MajorRage said in Happiness Scale:
@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
@MajorRage said in Happiness Scale:
With all due respect, what is it you hope to get out of posting all these personal things on TSF, a website full of mostly bullshitting middle aged men?
I am not having a go, or criticizing, but I think you need to know the answer to this question (that’s you, not us). I suspect your situation is relatable to many (I’m not going to offer any insight on my own) so are you looking for advice? Solidarity? A few laughs?
I would be shocked if you went to a counselor if they said posting this stuff here was a good idea. Hence the questions.
I know your a tech nerd, so I’m sure you’ve got all bases covered but do your best to ensure your wife never finds out. As that could blow the situation up further.
Men can't win. On the one hand men hold things in too much, but now we can't have conversation about shit that is on our minds with a bunch of people who we haven't ever met but seem to share commonalities with? Just can't win
Just can’t comprehend, canefan.
Try a re read and think.
I’m saying quite the opposite.
Maybe this is therapy. Talking shit out anonymously to avoid saying shit the wrong way to the wrong person and making life much much worse. I don't think he needs us to fix his issues for him, maybe he just wants to share it without judgement
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@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
@Paekakboyz said in Happiness Scale:
@NTA Ref called a free kick but you weren't the one delaying play. Rough bro, super rough.
There are no free kicks. There isn't even a 50/50 call going my way at ruck time.
There is only the mental grind of balancing what is worse for my mental health: getting rejected or not even bothering to try.
I get an opportunity about once a month if she's in the mood and there is precisely zero chance of some other event that might shatter the candyglass vase that is her positive mood. I assume that it is around the time she's ovulating - which is a dangerous criteria to base anything on for a woman in her mid-40s.
When I had COVID late last month, I lamented to her that it was a genuine shame because it was Horny Week. "Oh been keeping count have you?" she asked.
"More that I've noticed a pattern", I replied.
It has not occurred since July. Last week I got the "if my back can handle it" go-ahead in the afternoon, and then she was in bed asleep by 9PM.
Frustrating.
Discrepancy in sex drive is a common problem. Some deal with it by picking up other hobbies and interests. Hanging out with mates in a bid to fill the void.
And with Rugby season over that could be an issue. Need more camping
You try to find a life partner who is a good person, and at the end of the day after life takes over, all you want is someone to get your rocks off with on a regular basis 🤷
THE MALE CYCLE
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big
tits.When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no
passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide.So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with excitement.When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.I am older and wiser now and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
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@MajorRage said in Happiness Scale:
With all due respect, what is it you hope to get out of posting all these personal things on TSF, a website full of mostly bullshitting middle aged men?
I am not having a go, or criticizing, but I think you need to know the answer to this question (that’s you, not us). I suspect your situation is relatable to many (I’m not going to offer any insight on my own) so are you looking for advice? Solidarity? A few laughs?
I would be shocked if you went to a counselor if they said posting this stuff here was a good idea. Hence the questions.
I know your a tech nerd, so I’m sure you’ve got all bases covered but do your best to ensure your wife never finds out. As that could blow the situation up further.
Hasn't this thread always been a little bit about therapy? When I was having a shit time at work I typed up a rant about it for this thread. Didn't post it because after reading back what I typed I realised I should just resign, so did that the next day.
At any rate, as someone who quit a job at a school that trains therapists I think the standard of the Ferns advice at times would be on a par or better than the therapists.
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It's just a thread to vent in a safe space without judgement isn't it?
More often than not better to get it off your chest than actually say it when you know no good will come from having that conversation.
My only advice is to seriously ask yourself how long you're prepared to be miserable.
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@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
I should also add: I don't think her sex drive is dead.
I get home sometimes when she's had the house to herself, and she's got that glow on, indicating she's meeting her own needs on occasionThis would piss me off. If she honestly had no sex drive, that's another matter. But what's the harm in giving your husband, who you supposedly love and you know damn well is gagging for it, a bit of fun???
@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
So, basically, the only conclusion I can draw: it's me.
That's a dangerous road to travel down which will lead to further destruction of your self-esteem. If she can't see what you have to offer and you are basically being a good husband, that's her problem, not yours.
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@NTA said in Happiness Scale:
@MajorRage to vent, mostly.
It is safer on here than in a diary.
EDIT Let me pose a question: has anyone here instigated couples therapy?
I really feel for you Mate. It's a messed up situation. You ask if you yourself are the issue. You're definitely not in the sense that you've got a problem or you're causing this. That's all on her. But, it is also about you because (despite your obvious and many flaws 😉) you're clearly a great, loyal and caring husband and she's completely taken all of that for granted. She's so obsessed and focussed on her own issues that she's completely ignored yours and she knows she can keep on doing it. If you complain, all she has to do is gaslight you and you'll go back into your box. I've read enough of your rants on TSF to realise that.
Ok, maybe that's just me projecting from my previous failed relationship! But am I wrong in that assessment? In my situation, what I thought was going to be a passionate and close relationship turned into 2 people just existing in the same house. It was horrible. Like all men I'm obviously into sex but the most important thing for me (particularly after losing my wife to cancer) is intimacy. And I'm not saying holding hands all the time because I'm not really into that and I'm very much against spending every waking moment together. You have to have your own interests and space. But, she developed some kind of bizarre tunnel vision. You felt you were on the clock even for a hug. It was like myself and my son weren't even there. And the gaslighting!!! Fuck me. If I complained she just told me it was life and that maybe I had unrealistic expectations and that I needed to make a choice about the relationship. That would put me in her place. She never believed that I would call her bluff....until I did. And she went fucking mental, accusing me of not trying hard enough etc etc. It was obviously absolutely horrible and she said some absolutely fucked up things. But to her credit she got therapy and ended up writing me a very long email about how she realised that she'd been so absorbed in her own world that she'd completely neglected our relationship (and by extension any care or attention to my son). She said that she felt she'd gotten the guy and then just moved on to whatever else was her obsession at the time. She abused the fact that I was agreeable and loyal and loved her. Too little too late obviously. I may have simply been collateral damage but that's still very painful to experience. Just ask any poor fucking goatherder who had his family killed while Bush was trying to kill Osama. Ok, stoopid analogy, but still.
Anyway, I got out but we didn't have kids together and she at least had some self awareness and went to a therapist. I had less to lose than you despite it being 4 odd years down the drain. I can't advise how to deal with this, but just want you to know that it ain't you. You're just the "victim" of being a decent, caring and loyal bloke.
As @canefan says, guys just can't seem to win. There are constant complaints about how all guys are arseholes, but then the good ones just seem to be treated like shit.
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@Rancid-Schnitzel that's good perspective. Thanks.
I'm sick of feeling like some kind of pervert just because I want to have sex with my wife. I could prefer to do what some guys my age do, and have sex with someone other than my wife.
Happiness Scale