Food disasters/horror stories
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<p>Hard to follow dogmeat, but here is mine:</p>
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<p>Driving through the US a few years ago, staying in backpacker hostels as I went. Made friends with this cute Aussie girl in Houston (who I fancied quite a bit), took her out to this bar everyone was raving about for dinner. Was on the other side of town, so I drove (and if we got a bit boozed could always leave the car and call a cab). Got a park right out the front.</p>
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<p>Anyway, halfway through dinner I get the rumblings that something was about to go wrong. Never ideal in such a scenario, so I excused myself to the lavatory (with the aim of being as quick as possible, even though it was going to be violent. The mid-date shit is an art, as some may know).</p>
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<p>Get to the gents, and saw something I have to this day never seen again in a bar or restaurant- two urinals (standard), and then a toilet next to it. With no walls around it. A shitter that was 100% exposed, and it was a fairly busy bar. Considering the violence of what was about to happen, I just couldn’t have an audience. For their sake as much as mine.</p>
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<p>But this left me in a situation. I had 2-3 minutes max of full bowel control, and after that… it’s getting ugly. So I remember we passed a McDonalds on the way in, a few minutes up the road. I run out to my car, and drive to Maccas where I sprint in, unload my cargo and get the hell out of there.</p>
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<p>I drive back as quick as I can, but someone has taken my spot. So I park around the corner, and run back in.</p>
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<p>So by now the girl is obviously a bit weirded out, but not too much. I told her I got a phone call, which seemed to work… in the short term anyway.</p>
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<p>It’s all going well enough, we’re getting on really well, I haven’t had too many drinks so we decide to drive back to the hostel.</p>
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<p>She walks to where I parked the car the first time, and sees a different car there. Goes ‘Oh my god your car’s been stolen’. I almost considered playing along with that, but decided filing a fake report was probably a bit too much to cover this one up. So I told her I ‘moved the car’ around the corner, which she really didn’t understand. I told her it was ‘one hour parking’ and I had to move, despite there being no signs or meters anywhere to show this.</p>
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<p>She kept pressing me on why I moved the car mid-dinner, and my continued fumbling completely killed any mood that existed during the dinner. All of a sudden my ‘phone call’ excuse was looking a lot less solid, and she knew it.</p>
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<p>She was nice enough to me from that point on, but my chance at anything with her was zero from that point forward. You just can’t come back from that.</p>
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<p>Still can’t believe the bar had a wall-less toilet. The humanity…</p> -
<p>I do love a good curry. You know it's going to be purgatory the next day but you simply can't help yourself.</p>
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<p>I've never found one too hot to eat but there's a few I wished the next day I had and yeah Hooroo, eating hot food involves machismo.</p>
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<p>MN5 - I have eaten dog. Better yet I've eaten dog offal and judging by peoples reactions when we get talking about foods eaten, dog isn't even close to the nastiest I've had.</p> -
<p>That is a fucken outstanding yarn barbarian, it would make a brilliant scene in a film. Reminds me of Dumb and Dumber when Jeff Daniels has to have a dump and he's pretending he's having a shave then finds out the shitter isn't working, in fact your yarn would be even better than that.</p>
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<p>You're dead right about the mid date dump, it's basically every blokes worst nightmare, any longer than 2 minutes to have a "slash" and unless the chick is thick as two short planks she's gonna figure out you're smashing one out ( that can mean two things )........ </p>
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<p>Even if by some miracle you get some action after that you better make sure you've wiped thoroughly.......at least two rolls.</p> -
<p>barbarian - in the day I've travelled on trains where the toilets are just holes cut in the floor of an open carriage with multiple people male and female squatting at the same time.</p>
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<p>A moving jolting train makes the hole a difficult target as could be evidenced by the shit and piss everywhere, the flies and the smell.</p>
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<p>Works really well as a constipation aid. I was quite happy to return to my 1 square foot of floor space even though I quite literally shared it with a bag of snakes</p> -
<p>Worst night I can recall - with new man, who was sleeping over for the first time. Cooked dinner, then had a very rich cheesecake dessert.</p>
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<p>Everything was brilliant until about 2am, when my gut decided NOPE. Don't know if it was combined dayjob/book stress that had my gut a bit delicate then the dessert tipped it over the edge, but OMG. I was in the bathroom for well over two hours. It wouldn't stop. I was there, hunched over, tears running down my face while my gut spasmed continuously like it had been stabbed, and the butt cramps cos of sitting down on a plastic seat, loo paper felt like a wire brush.</p>
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<p>You know that point when you just want to die and think surely there can't be anything left, and your body cackles and says AU CONTRAIRE. The guy knocked on the door asking if I was ok, actually twisted the doorknob, and I practically screamed DO NOT COME IN. I think I was in there for another quarter hour after that, then finally it ceased.</p>
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<p>The relationship actually survived this and continued until natural end several months later. But damn.</p> -
<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="Mokey" data-cid="596760" data-time="1468566266"><p>
Worst night I can recall - with new man, who was sleeping over for the first time. Cooked dinner, then had a very rich cheesecake dessert.<br><br>
Everything was brilliant until about 2am, when my gut decided NOPE. Don't know if it was combined dayjob/book stress that had my gut a bit delicate then the dessert tipped it over the edge, but OMG. I was in the bathroom for well over two hours. It wouldn't stop. I was there, hunched over, tears running down my face while my gut spasmed continuously like it had been stabbed, and the butt cramps cos of sitting down on a plastic seat, loo paper felt like a wire brush.<br><br>
You know that point when you just want to die and think surely there can't be anything left, and your body cackles and says AU CONTRAIRE. The guy knocked on the door asking if I was ok, actually twisted the doorknob, and I practically screamed DO NOT COME IN. I think I was in there for another quarter hour after that, then finally it ceased.<br><br>
The relationship actually survived this and continued until natural end several months later. But damn.</p></blockquote>
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I once worked with a Greek guy who was still living with his mum well into his thirties and had lived a sheltered life. I swear he was still a virgin. He was horrified when I told him females farted. I think this story would have killed him. -
Oh now this is my favourite thread. I laughed loudly at Antipodeans post and Barbarians. <br><br>
Antipodean, do you like spicy food now? <br><br>
I love it so so much. When I moved to England a korma would have been too hot. After 7 years there I was eating phal and raw chilli remaking on the taste rather than the heat. -
<p>I like Indian and Thai now. I will eat a madras or rogan josh, although I recognise most people don't consider that spicy. Don't mind a red curry either, I just make sure I have beer on hand to cleanse the palate. The wife adds chilli to almost anything and finds it amusing if she forgets whose plate is whose.</p>
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<p>I think I'd have a cardiac arrest if I ate a phall.</p> -
<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="Mokey" data-cid="596760" data-time="1468566266"><p>
Worst night I can recall - with new man, who was sleeping over for the first time. Cooked dinner, then had a very rich cheesecake dessert.<br><br>
Everything was brilliant until about 2am, when my gut decided NOPE. Don't know if it was combined dayjob/book stress that had my gut a bit delicate then the dessert tipped it over the edge, but OMG. I was in the bathroom for well over two hours. It wouldn't stop. I was there, hunched over, tears running down my face while my gut spasmed continuously like it had been stabbed, and the butt cramps cos of sitting down on a plastic seat, loo paper felt like a wire brush.<br><br>
You know that point when you just want to die and think surely there can't be anything left, and your body cackles and says AU CONTRAIRE. The guy knocked on the door asking if I was ok, actually twisted the doorknob, and I practically screamed DO NOT COME IN. I think I was in there for another quarter hour after that, then finally it ceased.<br><br>
The relationship actually survived this and continued until natural end several months later. But damn.</p></blockquote>
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Loosened by anal? -
Hahaha!!!
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Back in my student curry eating days...<br><br>
One evening after a few beers we go to the usual establishment where my mate asks for the hottest curry they can make. The waiter points to Phal on the menu, but my mate shakes his head, says no he wants the hottest they can physically make.<br><br>
Waiter smirks and trots off. 10 mins late the chef and all the waiters come out together carrying a silver platter with a very red and angry curry on it.<br><br>
Everyone stops serving and they all gather round the table. My mate takes one mouthful and it nearly kills him, it's virtually all chilli with a bit of chicken. However he must save face so he eats the lot as fast a he can. All the waiters, chefs etc give him a round of applause.<br><br>
He washes it down with a few more beers and says miraculously he feels fine.<br><br>
The next day however he spends mainly on the loo, and is in so much pain for so long he actually starts weeping on the toilet.<br><br>
Curry 1 Cocky student 0 -
Went for a drive up to the Blue Mountains one Sunday, when the kids were younger. On the way back we stop at Richmond and stretch our legs in the park, and look around for some lunch.<br><br>
Mrs TA, feeling nostalgic, points out a little burger shop across the street. Sweet! One with the lot, thanks. Fucking top work.<br><br>
Get home, and I'm feeling a bit sleepy, so lie down for a nap. Wake up ten minutes later feeling a bit tight in the guts, like when you've got a liquid one happening, and head for the shitter.<br><br>
Rumble. Gurgle. Things are moving BUT IN TWO FUCKING DIRECTIONS!<br><br>
Fortunately it was the upstairs bathroom, and the boy was still young enough to use one of those step stools to brush his teeth, that converted into a potty. Threw the lid off that fucker, sat it on my lap and proceeded to give my abs the kind of workout people pay a gym instructor good money for.<br><br>
Honestly thought I'd torn something, and nearly passed out from the strain and/or lack of oxygen as I failed to clear airway for what seemed like five minutes.<br><br>
As I sat there, gasping, not really happy to have survived, another problem immediately became apparent: putting that bucket of stomach lining down on the floor and having to delight in its foul miasma, while having to clean up the equally rank mess happening in the confines of the throne after the hissing sound stopped.<br><br>
Was a long time before I went back to a greasy spoon, and even today, as I'm unwrapping a burger from the local, I sometimes have to give myself a little pep talk, while surreptitiously locating the nearest facilities. -
my general rule when cooking for myself if that pretty much anything tastes better with chilli in it. I like heat when it brings out flavour but not painful heat, so I'll add a few bird eye chillis and leave it at that. I don't get the ring of fire the next day. <br><br>
I once tried a sauce called Pain 100% - I had to gargle my tongue in milk for 30 mins before the pain went away. Not pleasant, someone should give that sauce a health warning or something...<br><br>
Sriracha chill sauce on the other hand is a taste sensation. -
<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="Cookie" data-cid="596947" data-time="1468626220">
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<p>my general rule when cooking for myself if that pretty much anything tastes better with chilli in it. I like heat when it brings out flavour but not painful heat, so I'll add a few bird eye chillis and leave it at that. I don't get the ring of fire the next day.<br><br>
I once tried a sauce called Pain 100% - I had to gargle my tongue in milk for 30 mins before the pain went away. Not pleasant, someone should give that sauce a health warning or something...<br><br>
Sriracha chill sauce on the other hand is a taste sensation.</p>
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<p>I'm a hot sauce fan too, like craft beer there seems to be so many options now when in the past it was tabascos or nothing. Huffmans ( I know the guy who does that really well ) and Kaitaia Fire are probably the best NZ ones.......hot enough for a bit of a kick but not ridiculously so, really nice flavours overall.</p>
