Food disasters/horror stories
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Hahaha!!!
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Back in my student curry eating days...<br><br>
One evening after a few beers we go to the usual establishment where my mate asks for the hottest curry they can make. The waiter points to Phal on the menu, but my mate shakes his head, says no he wants the hottest they can physically make.<br><br>
Waiter smirks and trots off. 10 mins late the chef and all the waiters come out together carrying a silver platter with a very red and angry curry on it.<br><br>
Everyone stops serving and they all gather round the table. My mate takes one mouthful and it nearly kills him, it's virtually all chilli with a bit of chicken. However he must save face so he eats the lot as fast a he can. All the waiters, chefs etc give him a round of applause.<br><br>
He washes it down with a few more beers and says miraculously he feels fine.<br><br>
The next day however he spends mainly on the loo, and is in so much pain for so long he actually starts weeping on the toilet.<br><br>
Curry 1 Cocky student 0 -
Went for a drive up to the Blue Mountains one Sunday, when the kids were younger. On the way back we stop at Richmond and stretch our legs in the park, and look around for some lunch.<br><br>
Mrs TA, feeling nostalgic, points out a little burger shop across the street. Sweet! One with the lot, thanks. Fucking top work.<br><br>
Get home, and I'm feeling a bit sleepy, so lie down for a nap. Wake up ten minutes later feeling a bit tight in the guts, like when you've got a liquid one happening, and head for the shitter.<br><br>
Rumble. Gurgle. Things are moving BUT IN TWO FUCKING DIRECTIONS!<br><br>
Fortunately it was the upstairs bathroom, and the boy was still young enough to use one of those step stools to brush his teeth, that converted into a potty. Threw the lid off that fucker, sat it on my lap and proceeded to give my abs the kind of workout people pay a gym instructor good money for.<br><br>
Honestly thought I'd torn something, and nearly passed out from the strain and/or lack of oxygen as I failed to clear airway for what seemed like five minutes.<br><br>
As I sat there, gasping, not really happy to have survived, another problem immediately became apparent: putting that bucket of stomach lining down on the floor and having to delight in its foul miasma, while having to clean up the equally rank mess happening in the confines of the throne after the hissing sound stopped.<br><br>
Was a long time before I went back to a greasy spoon, and even today, as I'm unwrapping a burger from the local, I sometimes have to give myself a little pep talk, while surreptitiously locating the nearest facilities. -
my general rule when cooking for myself if that pretty much anything tastes better with chilli in it. I like heat when it brings out flavour but not painful heat, so I'll add a few bird eye chillis and leave it at that. I don't get the ring of fire the next day. <br><br>
I once tried a sauce called Pain 100% - I had to gargle my tongue in milk for 30 mins before the pain went away. Not pleasant, someone should give that sauce a health warning or something...<br><br>
Sriracha chill sauce on the other hand is a taste sensation. -
<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="Cookie" data-cid="596947" data-time="1468626220">
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<p>my general rule when cooking for myself if that pretty much anything tastes better with chilli in it. I like heat when it brings out flavour but not painful heat, so I'll add a few bird eye chillis and leave it at that. I don't get the ring of fire the next day.<br><br>
I once tried a sauce called Pain 100% - I had to gargle my tongue in milk for 30 mins before the pain went away. Not pleasant, someone should give that sauce a health warning or something...<br><br>
Sriracha chill sauce on the other hand is a taste sensation.</p>
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<p>I'm a hot sauce fan too, like craft beer there seems to be so many options now when in the past it was tabascos or nothing. Huffmans ( I know the guy who does that really well ) and Kaitaia Fire are probably the best NZ ones.......hot enough for a bit of a kick but not ridiculously so, really nice flavours overall.</p> -
<p>My two best stories (neither will compare to Dogmeat or Barbs though) are one from me and one from a good mate. First one was me and a mate going to the local curry house and both ordering a balti chicken chilli masala. Neither of us considered that the bloody turks in the restaurant would know a balti from a falafel, so we ate it. OK we thought and commenced the walk home. I got to about two hundred yards from my house and suddenly had the gripes, just turned to my mate and told him I had to go. All I could hear for two hundred fucking yards was his screaming laughter as I ran like an ostrich with a large dildo up its arse. Running at high speed whilst simultaneously trying to keep your arse cheeks clamped together is no mean feat. I actually managed to get the key in the door first go (very important) and made it upstairs without soling myself. As I sat down the balti chicken chilli masala left my arse like a flock of sparrows, leaving behind a God awful burning sensation. My mate's laughter was still ringing in my ears, so i thought I'd call him and explain the misery I'd endured. No answer. When I spoke to him a few days later he said he thought it was me on the phone but that he himself was rather busy cleaning himself up. He lived about half a mile from my place.</p>
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<p>Second one was another mate who was going on a train journey and had a rank curry the night before and then compounded this by having a few pints prior to said train journey. On the way to the station the cramps came on so he popped into Marks and Spencers to use their loos. Didn't quite make it and had shat himself, but not thoroughly. So he cleaned himself up in the toilets and abandoned his underwear and being very worried about the state of his trousers, he purchased a new pair (no, he did not try them on, that would not have been the decent thing). Paid for the new trousers, grabbed his bag and ran for the station. He got on the train and went straight to the bog, ripped off his slightly soiled trousers, chucked them out of the window, then opened up his M&S bag and pulled out a V neck jumper.</p> -
<p>I can only remember one time when the food poisoning got me at an inopportune time. </p>
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<p>On a family holiday around the South Island when i was 15 or 16, family of 6 packed in a van driving around. Lunch at a dodgy bakery, and i made the mistake of the chicken filled roll. A bit later on during the drive i felt the first rumblings, and tried to release pressure with a fart. Big mistake. Squirt. Oh fuck. Look around car, no reaction from anyone else. phew. down goes the window, and I'm too embarrassed to say anything. Rumblings are still going on, thankfully we were about to stop, so i sat there in my filth. </p>
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<p>Stop was some old historic mining site, i think "awesome, there will be a toilet, and no people". Wrong, and wrong. No toilet, and like 20 other people in a small area. Oh fuck now what. Wandered off to "look around" found a quiet corner behind a rusting steel bin. Sneaky look around, and then squatted down. Pulled off the pants, and my shitty undies, and with 20 strangers no more than 20m away, squirted my guts out straight on the ground. Wiped with the undies, threw them in to the bush, covered the puddle with dirt like a dog, and surreptitiously sauntered away from the scene of the crime. Managed to make the next toilet before the next attack. Last chicken filled roll i ever ate. </p> -
<p><a data-ipb='nomediaparse' href='http://i.imgur.com/pwUNg7i.gifv'>http://i.imgur.com/pwUNg7i.gifv</a></p>
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<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="mariner4life" data-cid="597731" data-time="1468797087">
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<p>I can only remember one time when the food poisoning got me at an inopportune time. </p>
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<p>On a family holiday around the South Island when i was 15 or 16, family of 6 packed in a van driving around. Lunch at a dodgy bakery, and i made the mistake of the chicken filled roll. A bit later on during the drive i felt the first rumblings, and tried to release pressure with a fart. Big mistake. Squirt. Oh fuck. Look around car, no reaction from anyone else. phew. down goes the window, and I'm too embarrassed to say anything. Rumblings are still going on, thankfully we were about to stop, so i sat there in my filth. </p>
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<p>Stop was some old historic mining site, i think "awesome, there will be a toilet, and no people". Wrong, and wrong. No toilet, and like 20 other people in a small area. Oh fuck now what. Wandered off to "look around" found a quiet corner behind a rusting steel bin. Sneaky look around, and then squatted down. Pulled off the pants, <strong>and my shitty undies,</strong> and with 20 strangers no more than 20m away, squirted my guts out straight on the ground. Wiped with the undies, threw them in to the bush, covered the puddle with dirt like a dog, and surreptitiously sauntered away from the scene of the crime. Managed to make the next toilet before the next attack. Last chicken filled roll i ever ate. </p>
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<p>Actually that does remind me of a time I took my youngest boy for a dump in one of the toilets near the park a few years back. I opened the door for the first cubicle and saw a white lacy G banger covered in shit and blood right in the middle of the floor. Must have been one hell of a night. </p>
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<p>"why did that lady leave her undies Dad, was she sick?</p>
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<p>Who knows my son, who knows.</p> -
<p>Had a bad one out rockfishing by myself early one morning. All of a sudden it just came on super fast and I knew I had to go or there would be trouble. Thankfully I was pretty remote and there was no one else around so I just removed my daks and found a rock ledge i could lean back off over the water, as there was no way I'd leave anything about the high tide mark. Also took my socks off as knew I would need something to wipe with. Put one aside for later (just incase) and the other was hanging out of my pocket for easy access.</p>
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<p>All went fine and the wreckage squirted straight in to the sea like I'd done it a hundred times before. Had just finished wiping when I paid the price for taking my eyes off the sea and I got hit from behind with one of these waves that are bigger than all the others. Did well not to fall in but was saturated from head to toe. Ended up having a swim before starting the walk back as I wasn't sure whether any of the freshly disposed wreckage had come back on to me with the wave.</p> -
<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="MN5" data-cid="597815" data-time="1468819246"><p>All I'll say is many of these stories are genuinely funnier than bad shit scenes you see in movies. So much imagery invoked....Top marks fellas.<br></p></blockquote>Mokey needs to switch to trying her hand at a toilet humour novel, plenty of material here
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<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="canefan" data-cid="597818" data-time="1468820674">
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<p>Mokey needs to switch to trying her hand at a toilet humour novel, plenty of material here</p>
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<p>When toilet humour surpasses romance as the number one, multi billion dollar a year genre, I totally will.</p> -
<p>you know there is a market for a fusion right?</p>
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On the food poisoning front, I once awoke early in the morning after a big night out and instantly knew I was in trouble. It was like a nauseous hangover plus the raging shits at the same time.<br><br>
I ran to the loo and experienced my first ever three-way splash. It was basically a total evacuation.<br><br>
Problem was that the basin was just a little bit too far away while sitting on the loo, but I got around that initially - while my lower half was busy ejecting, I could just about projectile vomit into the basin.<br><br>
After the initial waves of nausea, cramps and panic subsided I remember feeling I dealt with it pretty well considering. I was catching my breath when another sudden urge to spew hit me. I stood up to get a bit nearer to the basin, but the strain of vomming caused another shit spray from the rear. <br><br>
Needless to say I ended up missing both loo and basin - a massive clear up operation ensued. -
<p>Havent had any of the disasters you guys have had but when my son was about three I went into placemakers on xmas eve just before they closed. I had him in my arms at the checkout and was thinking he looked a bit green around the gills when he suddenly projectile vomited blueberry yoghurt and whatever else was in his stomach all over him, the counter and me. </p>
<p>Mostly over the counter though, the harridan behind the till glared at me and said "thanks alot " as I handed her the money and bolted leaving her to clean up the mess. </p> -
<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="antipodean" data-cid="597732" data-time="1468797161">
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<p><a data-ipb='nomediaparse' href='http://i.imgur.com/pwUNg7i.gifv'>http://i.imgur.com/pwUNg7i.gifv</a></p>
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<p>This is what the internet was meant for. Bravo.</p>
