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Hang in there fella. Sounds like you need a holiday/break to get perspective.
I'm on the fringe of academia professionally. It is a tough gig, and honestly can't see a step change in improvement in the future. I think it'd have to be a passion to do it.
Good luck, and good work sharing
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@Tim said in Happiness Scale:
The basic operating principle in serious academia is that you are a failure because you haven't published in journal x or gotten grant y this year. So it is a huge amount of work to make a standard to not fail, rather than be rewarded regularly.
I did some work for a hedge fund a few years ago, and I was treated with respect and rewarded monetarily for finishing projects.
Academia can be a really negative environment.
My wife is in academia. The constant cycling of applying for grants from a relatively small pool of money, submitting papers, it can be a grind. Hang in there mate
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This is why I think UBI is so important - yes in everyone's job there are stressors and loads you can't control, but when you're talking about being locked out of your preferred career and risking your livelihood as a result, that just isn't right.
Academia is a hard slog, and you're a better Polish Chick than me for the grind you're going through @Tim
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I'm working with a woman in our village on a fundraising project and she sent me this WhatsApp Thursday:
I am so sorry but I am going to have to postpone our meeting tomorrow until Friday if that is possible. It’s just that we have to sign our wills tomorrow as George has heart surgery on Friday, so we need to cover our bases
Hope this is ok
DawnFound it profoundly affecting, but her cheerful, "worrying won't make anything better" attitude when we met Friday (she insisted) was awe-inspiring. Surgery went well, BTW. The human spirit, eh?
Privilege to know her.
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Everyday people can be so uplifting
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just read through this thread for the first time in a while, some genuine honesty here that's pretty humbling to read.
My dad died unexpectedly 2 months ago, and my bro got married in aus less than 3 weeks later, its been a whirlwind and not in a good way. My mum was amazing through the weeks after his death but is now struggling in a big way and its heart breaking, she's a good 1hr 30 mins away from me and given my bro lives in Aus its basically down to me to look after her.
I haven't begun to deal with the loss of my dad, i don't know where to start. But i have the Jordan Peterson phrase in my head the whole time that says 'your one job is to be the strongest man at your dads funeral'.
I have a stressful job, two youngish kids and a wife who lost her own dad 3 years ago and is also grieving for mine. I have a mum who is facing the prospect of living the rest of her life without her partner and best friend - they all need me.
I know that losing a parent is a natural part of life, and I understand the challenge that says 'you're putting a lot of expectation on yourself to be there for everyone else' and lots of messages above talk about the need to look after yourself in these moments and make sure you manage your own mental health, my question is how? What do you stop doing? I can't talk to many people about it because they're either grieving or looking after their own situations, and frankly i'm not sure how talking about it helps, it just opens the door to the wider feelings which are then harder to get back in the box.
I will be strong, but i'm not sure what to do to be honest.
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@Dodge I'd like there to be a good response to that one, and one that doesn't feel trite to type.
That sense/importance of having to make it work isn't always an easy one. I lost my Dad on the afternoon of the 2019 AB's v England semi final, which he then sorted out from upstairs
Since then family health and circumstances has us dealing with some complex stuff.What first sprang to mind is Churchill's quip about "If you're going through Hell, keep going". Easier said than done of course...
and lots of messages above talk about the need to look after yourself in these moments and make sure you manage your own mental health, my question is how? What do you stop doing?
The billion dollar questions. I think this is do-able, but acknowledging that some days or weeks, it may be just out of reach too. I'd also like to think that there's also some level of peace from accepting that. Especially in not being too hard on yourself in the moments when it's not all being held together.
Lots written about grief and loss of a Dad. My own experience was that it could hit when least expected. Kinda reinforcing that need, at a minimum, not to be too hard on yourself throughout it all. Again, perhaps easier said than done.
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@Donsteppa said in Happiness Scale:
@Dodge I'd like there to be a good response to that one, and one that doesn't feel trite to type.
That sense/importance of having to make it work isn't always an easy one. I lost my Dad on the afternoon of the 2019 AB's v England semi final, which he then sorted out from upstairs
Since then family health and circumstances has us dealing with some complex stuff.What first sprang to mind is Churchill's quip about "If you're going through Hell, keep going". Easier said than done of course...
and lots of messages above talk about the need to look after yourself in these moments and make sure you manage your own mental health, my question is how? What do you stop doing?
The billion dollar questions. I think this is do-able, but acknowledging that some days or weeks, it may be just out of reach too. I'd also like to think that there's also some level of peace from accepting that. Especially in not being too hard on yourself in the moments when it's not all being held together.
Lots written about grief and loss of a Dad. My own experience was that it could hit when least expected. Kinda reinforcing that need, at a minimum, not to be too hard on yourself throughout it all. Again, perhaps easier said than done.
very wise, and more helpful than i thought you would be
sorry to hear about your dad, its shit.
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@Dodge said in Happiness Scale:
@voodoo said in Happiness Scale:
@Dodge can't believe you came to Aus and didn't look me up. Not like you have much of an excuse either.
Disappointing.
I sat in that bar for about 12 hours waiting for you to turn up.
You probably had more fun without me...
Wish I had some insightful words for you man - but I've never known my Dad, so can't quite relate to the feeling. I actually only saw a picture of mine for the first time a few years back when the half-sister I didn't know I had tracked me down after 20 years of trying. I have often wondered how I will feel when I hear he has passed - which could be any day as he's pretty old now - having never met him. Genuinely have no idea.
But it sounds like you and your Dad were close - so take solace in that and focus on the great memories. Very hard with your Mum not being close by and having young kids that make it harder to travel on weekends. But you can only do what you can do as the Don says. Just keep plugging away, and things will get easier bit by bit.
Good luck mate.
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I can't even begin to comprehend this.
I went thru an ugly divorce with very little to zero support (no family in the UK and mutual friends didn't want to get involved) and that was hard enough but knew it would be resolved. Mrs M had an appalling 3-4 years with her parents (24/7 care in Covid lockdown, NHS abandoned them, impacted her health) but she and her sisters had a strong and close family to support them.
The only thing I can say is hang in there and maybe take some time out for yourself. It isn't selfish to put yourself first every now and then to look after yourself and your own well-being
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@Dodge said in Happiness Scale:
your one job is to be the strongest man
I think that right there is the crux of alot of issues in society today.
Men are meant to be strong, not show weakness, emotion, vulnerability, ever.
It is about balance, and I do think talking does help, but its having the right person/people to talk with, people that have your back, people that arent going to patronise you or belittle anything, just be there for you.
I'm fortunate that my dad is still about, although right now he is lying in hospital after a shoulder reconstruction caused other complications, many due to his poor health and lifestyle IMO, but thats another story.
Anyway, not sure I can add much more wise words or anything, other than look after you!
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@Dodge said in Happiness Scale:
I know that losing a parent is a natural part of life, and I understand the challenge that says 'you're putting a lot of expectation on yourself to be there for everyone else' and lots of messages above talk about the need to look after yourself in these moments and make sure you manage your own mental health, my question is how? What do you stop doing? I can't talk to many people about it because they're either grieving or looking after their own situations, and frankly i'm not sure how talking about it helps, it just opens the door to the wider feelings which are then harder to get back in the box.
I will be strong, but i'm not sure what to do to be honest.
I really relate to this. For me, I stopped doing all of the things I enjoy because I was so caught up in making sure my wife was OK, that my boys were OK, and how could I worry myself with things like gaming or sport or any other interests when there are so much more important things to concentrate on? And how the hell could I find any time for those unimportant things anyway?
One thing I have realised, with help from some posters here
is that those unimportant things are actually hugely important, and if you neglect to do the things you enjoy then life becomes pretty miserable. An example for me is I didn't watch any sport at all this year, which is the first time in my life that has happened, so I made a deliberate effort to make time to do that again. The first Super game I watched in full was the Chiefs smacking the Canes around in the semi final (when it was meant to be our year!). Despite the result I did feel better afterwards, as it returned some sense of normalcy to my life. I've also made time to do some online gaming with my little brother, which again has helped.@Donsteppa is right as well, that sometimes doing those things for yourself will be out of reach some days, or weeks, but that it is something you need to be quite deliberate about and make yourself do despite what is going on around you.
It's stupidly cliche and a bit cringy, but it is true: you can't pour from an empty cup. And if you spend an extended period of time neglecting to do any of the things you enjoy, your cup will empty out and you will become a shell of the person you were, which is what happened to me.
I'm still not going great if I'm honest, but those small things have helped me a bit.
Also, I would say don't be afraid to reach out to people around you, you'd be surprised at how many absolutely amazing people there are out there. Sometimes it can help to talk to someone that is a bit removed from the situation and your circle of friends/family. Posting here was good for me, and I have also opened up to a work colleague that is not part of my immediate friends/family and talking to him about everything has also helped.
I also like that quote above - "if you are going through hell, keep going". That's all you can do, and have faith that things will get better/easier over time. All the best Dodge, life can be really fucking hard at times.
Happiness Scale
