Men. Pause.
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Happy 2022 folks ...
It's been an interesting few weeks in the Rage household. So I thought I'd post on here to see if any of the old internet friends have any thoughts on this.
Over the course of the few weeks I found out that a relative is going through menopause. Now, I obviously know what this means, but what is new to me is apparently how much of a nightmare it is for woman & unfortunately the huge knock on effect that it can have. Basically, it causes woman to have all sorts of hormonal shit which can cause huge effects on those around. Some older friends of ours went through a serious rough patch a few years ago and it's only come out now that it's due to this. And then some other relatives of ours seem to have completely lost the plot on reality at the moment, and I've just found that she's going through early onset menopause. Which apparently is even worse. At the moment she is
- Impossible to argue with, even when she's flat out wrong
- Has no relationship with her husband
- Is über über sensitive to any comment about anything. You literally can't say anything
There was a huge blowup in our house over Xmas which has left the wife & I seriously confused. Literally have no understanding of what this lady is thinking.
So thought I'd reach out to you lot to see if anybody has been through this & if can offer any thoughts on experiences etc.
I'm honestly wondering if this is one of those things that is never talked about which is a massive thing to do with men's mental health.
All thoughts appreciated, but please note any stupid silly jokes will be deleted immediately. Im aware of the absolute hypocrisy of me saying that, but this is one of those threads that could derail very easily and I'd like to keep it on topic as much as possible.
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Interested to hear peoples thoughts, don’t have many myself, don’t even remember my mum going through it
What is interesting is my huge multi national engineering firm ran a series of town halls on this topic, just said “everyone, at some point one of your colleagues will go though this and you should understand” they were voluntary but general seems week received
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I do wonder if this is a problem similar to mental health and just not talked about enough - particularly as it is primarily to do with women's reproductive system.
From experience, there's a load of stuff available - HRT etc - which can make a huge difference, but many women seem to accept the menopause and its big problems as normal rather than seek help. Then again, I'm a bloke and can't really begin to understand.
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@majorrage said in Men. Pause.:
At the moment she is
- Impossible to argue with, even when she's flat out wrong
- Has no relationship with her husband
- Is über über sensitive to any comment about anything. You literally can't say anything
Points 1 and 3 apply to all women virtually all of the time.
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@frank said in Men. Pause.:
@majorrage said in Men. Pause.:
At the moment she is
- Impossible to argue with, even when she's flat out wrong
- Has no relationship with her husband
- Is über über sensitive to any comment about anything. You literally can't say anything
Points 1 and 3 apply to all women virtually all of the time.
Thats simply not true and I think is a weak attempt at the sort of humour I'm trying to avoid on this.
I know men (including me) like to laugh / joke about the way woman are etc, but the above is not reality for any normal human being, let alone woman in general. And honestly, if you find it is that way, then you'll probably find the main problem by looking in the mirror.
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@majorrage my wife is going through it and points 1-3 have all manifested themselves, along with increased bouts of forgetfulness and episodes of increased hair loss.
Aside from the physiological changes, the waters have been muddied somewhat by her having a stressful year at work and watching her father die and the associated dealings with her dysfunctional family.
We both recognise and acknowledge the changes she is going through. I now don’t try to offer any advice or alternate views when she is unloading her woes and frustrations; it’s not what she wants. It’s hard though just providing passive support. She also has a good support network of close friends that I know provides her with comfort. She also recognises the importance of exercising regularly to help her keep on top of things.
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@booboo said in Men. Pause.:
Remind me of this thread in the morning.
Have some thoughts which boil down to fuck being a chick. From both ends of the feminine fertility life span which I had no idea about.
Biology has a lot to answer for.
Biology is the ultimate misogynist eh
My wife is still young so a fair way off menopause but things certainly haven't been straight forward for her from a (female) biological POV. She has always been really open about how it affects her mental health which it absolutely does, and she is conscious of the effect that can have on the family.
I obviously don't have any advice on the menopause part but as above being open about this stuff and talking it through does seem to help both of us. Sometimes it's actually as simple as she just needs to be left alone for a while so I'll take the kids out to give her some space - as long as that's communicated then it's not a problem at all.
@MajorRage what you describe sounds on another level, I hope this thread can offer some good advice, or at least a better understanding. It's not something that is talked about much at all.
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My missus has been going through it for around 18 months
Started at 48ish
Best things she’s done are talk about it and take HRT.
More of an even keel with meds.
I’m always astounded by the water retention. Goes from an 8 to a 12 in her sleep.
Madness
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@majorrage said in Men. Pause.:
I'm honestly wondering if this is one of those things that is never talked about which is a massive thing to do with men's mental health.
I think you're right in the first instance - like the menstrual cycle, I don't think it is discussed much outside (or even within) women's circles and therefore men remain largely in the dark about it.
As for the men's health thing... well I reckon it is probably the icing on the cake of the mid-life crisis for us, but let's not lose sight of the core sufferer: the woman.
The challenges for women as they age are still probably greater than what we suffer in terms of body change and body image. We can't blame kids for smashing our organs around after all
Getting bombarded with beauty messages from skinny rich bitches who never had kids, and rely on their personal trainer and chef to keep them in line.For those who have kids, around the 40s and early 50s is when the nest starts to empty, or at least kids start having their own social lives and "break up" with Mum or Dad. One of their core genetic imperitaves - having children - is suddenly over in a way they'll never be able to change back. So I suppose they're feeling less wanted despite what their husband/partner might be actually doing).
An elderly parent might focus their attention at this point, or consume it. This can be very mentally waring for both husband and wife, speaking from experience.
Then there's the change itself - for decades, once a month they've had their insides pulled apart to a greater or lesser degree, which at least gave them (and us!) a pattern to follow in terms of behaviour. And then, right when things are settling down, menopause hits, and it'll affect them to different degrees.
A mate of mine is in his early 40s and his missus is starting early stages. It is a bit Jekyll and Hyde and some days he's walking on eggshells. They've got 2 kids around 10 so he can focus on that as the reason to stay. But fast forward 10 years and I reckon his tolerance for that shit will erode swiftly.
And, apparently, there is nothing worse than asking if they're menopausal during the middle of an argument
So that doesn't change from menstruation 
@mikethesnow said in Men. Pause.:
Best things she’s done are talk about it and take HRT.
Bingo. Just like men pretending there's nothing wrong, a few women need to be realistic about The Change and hopefully prepare for it.
Convincing them to do that? Well... if you ever find out how, let me know.
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@nta said in Men. Pause.:
For those who have kids, around the 40s and early 50s is when the nest starts to empty, or at least kids start having their own social lives and "break up" with Mum or Dad. One of their core genetic imperitaves - having children - is suddenly over in a way they'll never be able to change back. So I suppose they're feeling less wanted despite what their husband/partner might be actually doing).
That is a big and ongoing issue in the Cato household. Mrs C is not handling this very well at all and tries to make her self more indispensable by trying to do more and more for the Misses Cato. It does not work.
I've tried many times and in several ways to address this problem and generally we come to an agreement which she then simply ignores or forgets about and I honestly don't know which it is.
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@catogrande the memory loss thing is interesting. I'm now 45 and the odd moment of forgetting my keys and such is a bit shit, but Mrs TA is sometimes coming back from the supermarket with a supply of something we already have loads of. I'm not sure if it is part of The Change or whether she's on the road to early dementia like her Mum.
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….I just got the title pun…
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@mikethesnow said in Men. Pause.:
My missus has been going through it for around 18 months
Started at 48ish
Best things she’s done are talk about it and take HRT.
More of an even keel with meds.
I’m always astounded by the water retention. Goes from an 8 to a 12 in her sleep.
Madness
HRT is not always a solution, particularly for women with a high breast cancer risk.
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@catogrande we joke about our kids having to leave home now, while they know fucking everything, but I expect TR jnr will be here for years to come (thinking 5+) not yet sure on Miss 13...Mrs TR is likely to start the menopause in the coming years, already noticing the odd changes.
But as to.some other.comments, fuck being a woman, seeing how hard pregnancy was on my wife, the toll it took on her body 13 & 16+ years later, and soon she will have the next stage of being a woman to deal with.
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@booboo said in Men. Pause.:
Remind me of this thread in the morning.
Have some thoughts which boil down to fuck being a chick. From both ends of the feminine fertility life span which I had no idea about.
Biology has a lot to answer for.
On reflection I really have not much more to add, other than sympathy all round.
Sympathy for the ladies in our lives who deal with the weird hormonal bullshit they are subjected to, and us simple males who have no concept.
Unfortunately we seem to missing the few lady Ferners we used to have who may have provided further insight.
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@nta said in Men. Pause.:
@catogrande the memory loss thing is interesting. I'm now 45 and the odd moment of forgetting my keys and such is a bit shit, but Mrs TA is sometimes coming back from the supermarket with a supply of something we already have loads of. I'm not sure if it is part of The Change or whether she's on the road to early dementia like her Mum.
To be honest the possible forgetfulness thing has been ever present and is something of a family trait with the out-laws. Though it has to be said I'm not sure whether it is forgetfulness or simply ignoring an agreed course of action. Mrs C comes from a large family (she has 6 siblings) and it seems to me that they all grew up telling people (ie each other) what they think they wanted to hear for a bit of peace and quiet and then just got on with what they intended anyway. One of the 7 seems to have outgrown this trait, but then again he is the eldest so maybe he didn't give a shit what all the others thought in the first place.
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Interesting responses so far.
I think it's important to reiterate that I'm not necessarily looking to criticise & I do appreciate that what they are going through is tough. But I do think the conversation needs to add on how this affects other people. Again, not demean the emotional / hormonal struggles, but perhaps to put a point or order with it that the fallout can be even worse for those around.
Basically, the relative has left it that she won't speak to to us for quite some time as it's going to take her a very long time to get over what we've said. It won't be something simple as it's so hurtful.
And what happened was that we raised that our daughter was in tears upstairs due to some pretty poor cousin behaviour playing on her known anxiety issues.
Yep, it's going to take her a very long time to get over that our daughter was crying and we decided to talk about what had caused it ...
God knows how long it's going to take her getting over it if her daughter tells her what I said to her ....
Family's eh!
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@majorrage I may be misjudging that interaction, but going through the wild swings off menopause is still no justification for poor behaviour unless you literally said "your kid is a fluffybunny and it's your fault because you're a shit parent and person".
The partner should also step up and calm the waters by acknowledging the behaviour, apologising for the outburst and saying they'll speak to them both.
Like everyone else, bugger having to put up with female biology.
