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@No-Quarter said in Happiness Scale:
I've been doing it tough lately, relating to my wife's mental health which has deteriorated badly, I was thinking about posting in here in more detail to see if it helps, maybe I will at some point. The end result is I am currently a single dad of three boys aged 3, 5 and 11. During the day I am mostly OK, work and looking after them keeps me busy, but once they are in bed in the evenings it can all suddenly hit home and I get really sad about everything. Just writing this is making me tear up a bit, I feel like I am faking it a bit for the sake of the boys, but all of these emotions are just bubbling under the surface. Life can be really hard at times.
Shit that's tough mate. If unloading on here to a bunch of Polish chicks is cathartic then you should do it as often as you need to. Everyone is different, but I find talking things out with sympathetic like minded people makes me feel good. Share good and bad stuff, it's the sharing that helps
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@antipodean said in Happiness Scale:
..... Even alcohol can be consumed excessively. Apparently.
now you're part of the problem
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@antipodean said in Happiness Scale:
Even alcohol can be consumed excessively. Apparently.
I can actually confirm....
It's happened once... to me personally. I was on-call, and at a party with my mates' little sister's friends... and got called on to do some technical intervention.
I literally couldn't see the keys on the laptop to type my password - had to call somebody over, tell them my password, so that they could type it in, and I was away.
After that, it was all muscle memory... I typed in some highly dangerous commands after slightly dubious judgement calls - problem got solved, everybody happy.
But yeah... for a minute there... I thought "Shit... I think I've drunk too much".
Never again. -
@No-Quarter said in Happiness Scale:
I've been doing it tough lately, relating to my wife's mental health which has deteriorated badly, I was thinking about posting in here in more detail to see if it helps, maybe I will at some point. The end result is I am currently a single dad of three boys aged 3, 5 and 11. During the day I am mostly OK, work and looking after them keeps me busy, but once they are in bed in the evenings it can all suddenly hit home and I get really sad about everything. Just writing this is making me tear up a bit, I feel like I am faking it a bit for the sake of the boys, but all of these emotions are just bubbling under the surface. Life can be really hard at times.
That sounds incredibly tough. Please share if it helps.
I know that reading some of @NTA's posts about family matters made me feel a bit less stuck knowing that other people were dealing with similar issues. None of us will be able to completely understand, but I'll bet get value from hearing it, so share if it helps you.
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Thanks so much guys, that has helped a bit.
@voodoo said in Happiness Scale:
@No-Quarter dang, that's tough to hear mate. Hope she comes out the other side for both your sake and hers - and also for the kids. Is she getting some help?
I ended up engaging the mental health crisis team to intervene, and they were close to using the health act to take her into care against her will, but she ended up engaging with them on her own accord. It's very up and down right now, sometimes it feels like she is heading in the right direction, but then regresses badly. Feels like a long road to recovery at the moment
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@No-Quarter said in Happiness Scale:
I've been doing it tough lately, relating to my wife's mental health which has deteriorated badly, I was thinking about posting in here in more detail to see if it helps, maybe I will at some point. The end result is I am currently a single dad of three boys aged 3, 5 and 11. During the day I am mostly OK, work and looking after them keeps me busy, but once they are in bed in the evenings it can all suddenly hit home and I get really sad about everything. Just writing this is making me tear up a bit, I feel like I am faking it a bit for the sake of the boys, but all of these emotions are just bubbling under the surface. Life can be really hard at times.
Sad situation pal.
Look after yourself, the boys and her.
âŚ..and donât be afraid to show your emotions to your boys either. Iâve found both of mine ( admittedly a bit older ) have been great listeners at times when I do it tough and need an ear.
Also if you can find time to have a blow out with good mates then do so ( emphasis on the word âgoodâ, not just âpeople to have a beer withâ but real, genuine friends )
Whilst some of the guys on here might be fun to yarn to about stuff you canât beat real life interaction with good fluffybunnies.
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@MN5 said in Happiness Scale:
@No-Quarter said in Happiness Scale:
I've been doing it tough lately, relating to my wife's mental health which has deteriorated badly, I was thinking about posting in here in more detail to see if it helps, maybe I will at some point. The end result is I am currently a single dad of three boys aged 3, 5 and 11. During the day I am mostly OK, work and looking after them keeps me busy, but once they are in bed in the evenings it can all suddenly hit home and I get really sad about everything. Just writing this is making me tear up a bit, I feel like I am faking it a bit for the sake of the boys, but all of these emotions are just bubbling under the surface. Life can be really hard at times.
Sad situation pal.
Look after yourself, the boys and her.
âŚ..and donât be afraid to show your emotions to your boys either. Iâve found both of mine ( admittedly a bit older ) have been great listeners at times when I do it tough and need an ear.
Also if you can find time to have a blow out with good mates then do so ( emphasis on the word âgoodâ, not just âpeople to have a beer withâ but real, genuine friends )
Whilst some of the guys on here might be fun to yarn to about stuff you canât beat real life interaction with good fluffybunnies.
All contact and interaction is good interaction. Being able to talk shit out, even if it doesn't solve problems, can give relief. I am sure there are people in your life that care and are worried about you, don't forget you aren't alone. And we're all here too
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@Kruse said in Happiness Scale:
@antipodean said in Happiness Scale:
Even alcohol can be consumed excessively. Apparently.
I can actually confirm....
It's happened once... to me personally. I was on-call, and at a party with my mates' little sister's friends... and got called on to do some technical intervention.
I literally couldn't see the keys on the laptop to type my password - had to call somebody over, tell them my password, so that they could type it in, and I was away.
After that, it was all muscle memory... I typed in some highly dangerous commands after slightly dubious judgement calls - problem got solved, everybody happy.
But yeah... for a minute there... I thought "Shit... I think I've drunk too much".
Never again.yup, those laptop keyboards...what, did I miss something?
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@No-Quarter said in Happiness Scale:
Thanks so much guys, that has helped a bit.
@voodoo said in Happiness Scale:
@No-Quarter dang, that's tough to hear mate. Hope she comes out the other side for both your sake and hers - and also for the kids. Is she getting some help?
I ended up engaging the mental health crisis team to intervene, and they were close to using the health act to take her into care against her will, but she ended up engaging with them on her own accord. It's very up and down right now, sometimes it feels like she is heading in the right direction, but then regresses badly. Feels like a long road to recovery at the moment
No doubt wouldâve been a very difficult but courageous decision to make. Appreciate you sharing bro.
it goes without saying, the Fern is only a couple of clicks away if you ever need to download.
From my own personal experience dealing with loved ones with both severe and mild mental illness, it can become all consuming. Almost paralysing. You so desperately want them to get back on track, find a bit of hope, just smile and enjoy a moment, that you expend a huge amount of your own mental and emotional energy think about the what ifs. The hardest thing for family members in this situation is not spiralling into depression or feeling this overwhelming sense of guilt if youâre not thinking about your good wife and her situation.
Find time to âtake time outâ, use a hobby or activity you enjoy, get involved in one of your kids activities - if you are not already. The path Iâve seen play out too may times is self isolation. Sure youâve got work and the kids things to attend to and you are doing stuff to be busy, but you still have to find outlets to experience some happiness too. This is not at the expense of how you feel about your wife or the concern you have about her travail. Itâs just about what you can control.
More than happy to check in bro, if you need.
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@No-Quarter said in Happiness Scale:
Feels like a long road to recovery at the moment
Reading what you've posted above, I get that.
My situation was different in that my mother-in-law was the one going through dementia. We were in the blast radius so there was a meaningful difference to your experience.
My unprofessional advice: eat the elephant one bite at a time.
Pick little things you've got immediate control of and work through those, while keeping the big things - your wife and boys - as the priority. You need to anchor yourself on something so you can look around with a clear mind, and feel like you're moving forward and achieving things to keep your inner caveman happy.
And that sounds great but some days you're off on a tangent, staring into space again, wondering what the fuck?!! That's OK too
Recognise that in yourself and then work on the steps you need to take to get back in balance. It might come and go in waves, this sense of control, and you'll get better at understanding it over time.@MN5 said you need to be a bit vulnerable with your boys, and that's good advice. You're the best judge of when they're ready for more involvement in this, and with the age gap you might need to plan out how the eldest comes along on the journey before the younger ones are prepared for whatever is next. Tough balance, but you can do it.
My last bit of advice: look after your own mental health as a priority. You can't help anyone if you're drowning yourself, and if that means reaching for help, never be too proud to do so. If it means a beer with the boys, or just going for a walk to suck in some fresh air and listen to a podcast, do it.
I really wish you the best with this.
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@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
@MN5 said in Happiness Scale:
@No-Quarter said in Happiness Scale:
I've been doing it tough lately, relating to my wife's mental health which has deteriorated badly, I was thinking about posting in here in more detail to see if it helps, maybe I will at some point. The end result is I am currently a single dad of three boys aged 3, 5 and 11. During the day I am mostly OK, work and looking after them keeps me busy, but once they are in bed in the evenings it can all suddenly hit home and I get really sad about everything. Just writing this is making me tear up a bit, I feel like I am faking it a bit for the sake of the boys, but all of these emotions are just bubbling under the surface. Life can be really hard at times.
Sad situation pal.
Look after yourself, the boys and her.
âŚ..and donât be afraid to show your emotions to your boys either. Iâve found both of mine ( admittedly a bit older ) have been great listeners at times when I do it tough and need an ear.
Also if you can find time to have a blow out with good mates then do so ( emphasis on the word âgoodâ, not just âpeople to have a beer withâ but real, genuine friends )
Whilst some of the guys on here might be fun to yarn to about stuff you canât beat real life interaction with good fluffybunnies.
All contact and interaction is good interaction. Being able to talk shit out, even if it doesn't solve problems, can give relief. I am sure there are people in your life that care and are worried about you, don't forget you aren't alone. And we're all here too
I didn't give you permission to use my image.
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@antipodean said in Happiness Scale:
Agreed. Who has ever felt worse after eating a good steak or pizza?
You've never dated a vegan?
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@barbarian said in Happiness Scale:
@voodoo said in Happiness Scale:
All that said, I think people are way too quick to pull the anxiety lever these days. Everyone gets a bit anxious, everyone gets a bit down too. People forget that life isnât supposed to be easy and happy 100% of the time. Work is supposed to be challenging, relationships can test you. The world is a bit scary. Nobody has a unilateral right to be happy all the time. Anyone who tells you that they never feel slightly anxious is either a liar or a psychopath.
I think the issue is when you are in the anxiety it's hard to see the other side. One of the reasons I'm better at dealing with it now is that with every bout I become increasingly confident it's just temporary and it will pass. So I just have to put my head down and get through it.
But the early days were tough as I had no real conception as to why it was all happening, and if it would ever pass. And no idea what tools I had at my disposal to get on top of it.
I didn't even twig it was anxiety until late in life. It's not as if mental health was a taboo subject growing up as my parents were very progressive in that regards ("Mental disease is like any other disease and no more frightening and just as curable"). I guess that attitude has helped.
For me, I can generally tell what's triggered it - sleep and alcohol are big magnifiers - and know it will pass. It's the frustration at the waiting which can get to me.
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@No-Quarter mate I'm sorry to hear that, it's always tough being a solo Dad especially when the kids ask where Mum is.
While it's not a light at the end of the tunnel hang in there, your kids will respect and love you massively for hanging in there and looking after them especially later on in life when they grow up a bit and realise what you went through to be there for them.
Mental health is always tough, especally with the people you love. My Mom has always had mental health issues, been in the care of the state twice in her lifetime the last episode not that long ago. There's depression and then there's the depression that my Mom gets which makes her pretty much a catatonic vegetabe, it's pretty scary.
It took her months but she got through it and is back to normal now being her normal loving and happy self that sends me incredibly long text messages all the time
So yes it's horrible to go through and sometimes the best we can do is bear it till it gets better, but it can get better so don't lose hope of that.
Make sure you take care of yourself as well, sleep well, eat well and get some exercise in if you can.
We'll all be here for you supporting you and if you need an ear to listen will be here. Take care of yourself and hang in there.
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@No-Quarter wow bro, that is tough, but I think if you are able to talk about it, albeit to largely strangers, is a good step.
As your boys are all quite young, makes it tougher, cos you will be there putting up that outward strength for them, while inside heart broken.
I hope you have someone you can speak to, and likely pop round to see you in the evenings when they go to bed, even if it is just to be in your presence to sit in silence and watch a movie or vent to them.
I can appreciatewhere @MN5 is coming from re not being afarid to show emotions to your kids, but it is a fine balance as they look to you for everything.
While different situations, but kinda relatable, Mrs TR had a melanoma a few years back, and obviously for her, for our kids outwardly I wanted to be strong for them, while inwardly all I could think about was the worst case scenario, as I have mentioned, for me, the gym is where I can go to let it out so I was able to be strong for them, similarly, you need to find your balance.
But the fact you feel you can talk about it, shows you should be on the right path for you, your kids and your wife.
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@taniwharugby said in Happiness Scale:
@No-Quarter wow bro, that is tough, but I think if you are able to talk about it, albeit to largely strangers, is a good step.
As your boys are all quite young, makes it tougher, cos you will be there putting up that outward strength for them, while inside heart broken.
I hope you have someone you can speak to, and likely pop round to see you in the evenings when they go to bed, even if it is just to be in your presence to sit in silence and watch a movie or vent to them.
> I can appreciatewhere @MN5 is coming from re not being afarid to show emotions to your kids, but it is a fine balance as they look to you for everything.
While different situations, but kinda relatable, Mrs TR had a melanoma a few years back, and obviously for her, for our kids outwardly I wanted to be strong for them, while inwardly all I could think about was the worst case scenario, as I have mentioned, for me, the gym is where I can go to let it out so I was able to be strong for them, similarly, you need to find your balance.
But the fact you feel you can talk about it, shows you should be on the right path for you, your kids and your wife.
Yep itâs a fine line.
Weâre ( as in Dads ) still that role model who needs to be tough and ready to face any situation head on and you certainly want to appear a bit âsensitiveâ but not âweakâ
Then again you donât want to be the gruff fucker from generations ago who never said a word. Itâs hard to get it completely right.
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@No-Quarter
So sorry to hear what you're going through. It's hard enough dealing with it yourself let alone having to shield and take care of 3 small lads. Can totally relate to things being manageable when busy and your mind occupied but how shocking reality can hit when you take some time to think and process the situation. Im sure the grief and sadness are made much worse when thinking about how your boys must be hurting. The sheer helplessness is absolutely awful.All I can say is just hang in there and be the best Dad you can be. But also don't try to be a hero. Don't destroy yourself trying to do everything and disregarding your own needs. Your boys need the best version of you so reach out for help or accept help from those who offer. It's in the shittiest of times like this that you realise there are so many awesome and selfless people out there.
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Essentially what everyone else has said. One minor thought...
@No-Quarter said in Happiness Scale:
I ended up engaging the mental health crisis team to intervene, and they were close to using the health act to take her into care against her will, but she ended up engaging with them on her own accord
Our experience is that those teams are very good, but they can be swamped by the wider level of need at times. So at times you may have to be assertive (and not feel too guilty about it) just due to their sheer workload. The system has some great people, but it can take a bit of navigating.
These things can be more of a marathon than a sprint, so the general self care advice is wise. Even though it's trickier to act on in these times.
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Thanks guys for all of your kind messages, support, lots of good advice, and also speaking about your own experiences. It's a bit overwhelming, you really are a good bunch of fluffybunnies (or Polish chicks, whichever). It has helped. It feels like my life has crumbled before my eyes and I've been powerless to do anything about it, but at least talking about it and hearing other peoples experiences makes me feel a bit less alone.
One positive of having the boys is that they've forced me to do some positive things with them, as I want them to form some good memories through all of this. Over the last few weeks we've watched 6 star wars movies, the originals and the prequels, which none of us had really seen before (I think I watched some of them when very young). Was great fun and the boys absolutely loved it so was a fun bonding experience.
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@No-Quarter father and son Star Wars watching, sounds like youâve got it all together bro đ
Theyâll love Clone Wars series. I watched them all through with my two sons and they are 10 years apart in age. Was just our little thing to bring us together which is amazing how therapeutic it can be.
Happiness Scale
