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@Victor-Meldrew said in Happiness Scale:
@MN5 said in Happiness Scale:
Forget bitterness, move on with life. We’re tied together by my boys but it works.
Was discussing "bitterness" with Mrs Meldrew a few weeks ago (she has a psychology degree) and why people persist with such a bloody corrosive emotion when they know it's doing them harm.
The conclusion she came to is that it is probably easier to remain bitter as it absolves you of the need to self-examine and do the often hard mental yards to move on. People become trapped in a hole and can't dig themselves out.
I hear that but it isn’t easy. I’m bitter towards certain people who I consider have wronged me in the past and I bear grudges. I don’t let it consume me and dictate my life.....but it’s probably for the best that I don’t ever see certain folk again and that’s fine by me.
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@MN5 said in Happiness Scale:
@Victor-Meldrew said in Happiness Scale:
@MN5 said in Happiness Scale:
Forget bitterness, move on with life. We’re tied together by my boys but it works.
Was discussing "bitterness" with Mrs Meldrew a few weeks ago (she has a psychology degree) and why people persist with such a bloody corrosive emotion when they know it's doing them harm.
The conclusion she came to is that it is probably easier to remain bitter as it absolves you of the need to self-examine and do the often hard mental yards to move on. People become trapped in a hole and can't dig themselves out.
I hear that but it isn’t easy. I’m bitter towards certain people who I consider have wronged me in the past and I bear grudges. I don’t let it consume me and dictate my life.....but it’s probably for the best that I don’t ever see certain folk again and that’s fine by me.
Yeah, I think we all bear grudges but sadly some people wear them inside and out.
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@Victor-Meldrew said in Happiness Scale:
@Hooroo said in Happiness Scale:
At the moment my happiness is only really based on others happiness. If I see my friends and family happy that makes feel good inside
Jeez, I think that's pretty deep and philosophical - and pretty much a bang-on approach to life.
It is point in time happiness though and is quickly extinguished. I should and could be much happier. If I compare my happiness to ten years ago I was much happier with less.
I’m too much of a pussy to challenge and change what I need to challenge and change at the moment.
I will do so one day. Probably sooner than later
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@Hooroo just having that self awareness of yourself is a magic thing. Unpicking how we operate and what drives us, or not, is super important. Not easy and frequently brings you face to face with your own foibles and hypocrisy (a truly human condition!). But its also how you can grow and deal with whatever life is throwing at you.
One of my reminders to myself is that we judge ourselves on everything we think about, but others by what they say or do. So we often are way harder on ourselves. -
This is a great thread, thanks everyone for sharing. Everyone struggles with 'happy' and how to to get there.
I'd recommend taking a listen to 'the happiness lab' (https://www.happinesslab.fm/). Series of podcasts by Dr Laurie Santos from Yale, talking about why people don't feel content or happy. Lots to unpick, but really interesting and challenges ideas and perceptions.
One of the key takeouts I had was that happiness isn't a place you can go and build a house; you' can't live there. What you can do is recognise when you are happy, and make sure your brain recognises it -- and there are things you can do to increase the number and duration of trips to 'happiness'.
That said, christ there's some struggle mentally. I keep saying to people I know that there's no success without sacrifice, and the older I get the more I believe it to be true. Success takes a toll - it's almost always tied to responsibility, and having to deal with stress in an ongoing and challenging way. Personally, while the last few years for me have been very successful professionally and financially, it's taken a massive toll on my mental health and having to adjust to the stress. Shit's hard y'all.
Don't underestimate burnout either. I saw three elements of burnout being
- exhaustion,
- cynicism (less identification with the job),
- feelings of reduced professional ability
All of these can drag you to a place you don't want to go to.
So, all of that, and things I've done that help: turn off email outside work hours, be less available, try to live in the moment, avoid social media like the plague (except the Fern), and allow yourself to feel less than 'ok'. Open up to people if you can -- it really does help.
Kia kaha everyone
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As I age, I'm convinced that the starting point for the majority of life improvements, for an individual, begins with something like: "i never knew other people felt the way I do"
That's where the "bravery" of those retelling tragic life circumstances comes from. Explains the adoration and appreciation of those like John Kirwan, J Peterson etc.
Kudos voodoo for starting this and to all of you so honest in your posts.👍
I too derive and manufacture my happiness by doing all I can for loved ones. Perhaps, deep down, we all do?
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@nzzp said in Happiness Scale:
This is a great thread, thanks everyone for sharing. Everyone struggles with 'happy' and how to to get there.
I'd recommend taking a listen to 'the happiness lab' (https://www.happinesslab.fm/). Series of podcasts by Dr Laurie Santos from Yale, talking about why people don't feel content or happy. Lots to unpick, but really interesting and challenges ideas and perceptions.
One of the key takeouts I had was that happiness isn't a place you can go and build a house; you' can't live there. What you can do is recognise when you are happy, and make sure your brain recognises it -- and there are things you can do to increase the number and duration of trips to 'happiness'.
That said, christ there's some struggle mentally. I keep saying to people I know that there's no success without sacrifice, and the older I get the more I believe it to be true. Success takes a toll - it's almost always tied to responsibility, and having to deal with stress in an ongoing and challenging way. Personally, while the last few years for me have been very successful professionally and financially, it's taken a massive toll on my mental health and having to adjust to the stress. Shit's hard y'all.
Don't underestimate burnout either. I saw three elements of burnout being
- exhaustion,
- cynicism (less identification with the job),
- feelings of reduced professional ability
All of these can drag you to a place you don't want to go to.
So, all of that, and things I've done that help: turn off email outside work hours, be less available, try to live in the moment, avoid social media like the plague (except the Fern), and allow yourself to feel less than 'ok'. Open up to people if you can -- it really does help.
Kia kaha everyone
I love my job and they look after me.....but I’m fucken shattered and I need a break. Holidays are so important for the soul, I can’t wait to lie on a hammock and do nothing for a few days
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@MN5 said in Happiness Scale:
@nzzp said in Happiness Scale:
This is a great thread, thanks everyone for sharing. Everyone struggles with 'happy' and how to to get there.
I'd recommend taking a listen to 'the happiness lab' (https://www.happinesslab.fm/). Series of podcasts by Dr Laurie Santos from Yale, talking about why people don't feel content or happy. Lots to unpick, but really interesting and challenges ideas and perceptions.
One of the key takeouts I had was that happiness isn't a place you can go and build a house; you' can't live there. What you can do is recognise when you are happy, and make sure your brain recognises it -- and there are things you can do to increase the number and duration of trips to 'happiness'.
That said, christ there's some struggle mentally. I keep saying to people I know that there's no success without sacrifice, and the older I get the more I believe it to be true. Success takes a toll - it's almost always tied to responsibility, and having to deal with stress in an ongoing and challenging way. Personally, while the last few years for me have been very successful professionally and financially, it's taken a massive toll on my mental health and having to adjust to the stress. Shit's hard y'all.
Don't underestimate burnout either. I saw three elements of burnout being
- exhaustion,
- cynicism (less identification with the job),
- feelings of reduced professional ability
All of these can drag you to a place you don't want to go to.
So, all of that, and things I've done that help: turn off email outside work hours, be less available, try to live in the moment, avoid social media like the plague (except the Fern), and allow yourself to feel less than 'ok'. Open up to people if you can -- it really does help.
Kia kaha everyone
I love my job and they look after me.....but I’m fucken shattered and I need a break. Holidays are so important for the soul, I can’t wait to lie on a hammock and do nothing for a few days
Boxing day we jump in the car and drive to.the Gold Coast. House on the beach for 10 days. I am going to do 3/5 of fuck all
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@voodoo said in Happiness Scale:
The question I'm asking tonight, is "are you content?" Do you feel like life is working for you?
It could be a hell of a lot worse. I have a job that doesn't require tremendous effort on my behalf. In fact I find it incredibly easy, it takes fuck all of my time and I wonder how people are impressed by my outcomes. I sometimes worry people will discover I spend most of my time discussing shit on the internet, studying or watching stuff. I just had my contract extended. And out of the blue another company has approached me in a confidential discussion about a role that sounds really interesting.
I bought a house and got a puppy.
I didn't get to take the trip I had been planning. South America is also on the back burner until things improve over there. But those adventures will happen in time.
My blood work came back excellent. My blood pressure was 110/70. If not for my shoulder injury I'd be pretty good physically.
As my wife says; regrets are for people with time machines. People have it a lot worse than me.
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@nostrildamus said in Happiness Scale:
It still amazes me people who divorce saying they have no feelings either way for the other person, spending the next few years dreaming up all sorts of stupid shit they say is to get even but really just creates pain for everyone else including themselves. I'd say I'd go into a divorce openly, fairly, and honestly but I bet everyone says that.
The most acrimonious divorce I've heard of was the parents of a girl I went to school with. It dragged on needlessly and once the final judgement was delivered that everything had to be split 50:50, the father took a chainsaw and cut everything in half.
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@mariner4life said in Happiness Scale:
@MN5 said in Happiness Scale:
@nzzp said in Happiness Scale:
This is a great thread, thanks everyone for sharing. Everyone struggles with 'happy' and how to to get there.
I'd recommend taking a listen to 'the happiness lab' (https://www.happinesslab.fm/). Series of podcasts by Dr Laurie Santos from Yale, talking about why people don't feel content or happy. Lots to unpick, but really interesting and challenges ideas and perceptions.
One of the key takeouts I had was that happiness isn't a place you can go and build a house; you' can't live there. What you can do is recognise when you are happy, and make sure your brain recognises it -- and there are things you can do to increase the number and duration of trips to 'happiness'.
That said, christ there's some struggle mentally. I keep saying to people I know that there's no success without sacrifice, and the older I get the more I believe it to be true. Success takes a toll - it's almost always tied to responsibility, and having to deal with stress in an ongoing and challenging way. Personally, while the last few years for me have been very successful professionally and financially, it's taken a massive toll on my mental health and having to adjust to the stress. Shit's hard y'all.
Don't underestimate burnout either. I saw three elements of burnout being
- exhaustion,
- cynicism (less identification with the job),
- feelings of reduced professional ability
All of these can drag you to a place you don't want to go to.
So, all of that, and things I've done that help: turn off email outside work hours, be less available, try to live in the moment, avoid social media like the plague (except the Fern), and allow yourself to feel less than 'ok'. Open up to people if you can -- it really does help.
Kia kaha everyone
I love my job and they look after me.....but I’m fucken shattered and I need a break. Holidays are so important for the soul, I can’t wait to lie on a hammock and do nothing for a few days
Boxing day we jump in the car and drive to.the Gold Coast. House on the beach for 10 days. I am going to do 3/5 of fuck all
Lucky bastard!!!
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@antipodean nice to be reminded of that from time to time mate
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@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
@mariner4life said in Happiness Scale:
@MN5 said in Happiness Scale:
@nzzp said in Happiness Scale:
This is a great thread, thanks everyone for sharing. Everyone struggles with 'happy' and how to to get there.
I'd recommend taking a listen to 'the happiness lab' (https://www.happinesslab.fm/). Series of podcasts by Dr Laurie Santos from Yale, talking about why people don't feel content or happy. Lots to unpick, but really interesting and challenges ideas and perceptions.
One of the key takeouts I had was that happiness isn't a place you can go and build a house; you' can't live there. What you can do is recognise when you are happy, and make sure your brain recognises it -- and there are things you can do to increase the number and duration of trips to 'happiness'.
That said, christ there's some struggle mentally. I keep saying to people I know that there's no success without sacrifice, and the older I get the more I believe it to be true. Success takes a toll - it's almost always tied to responsibility, and having to deal with stress in an ongoing and challenging way. Personally, while the last few years for me have been very successful professionally and financially, it's taken a massive toll on my mental health and having to adjust to the stress. Shit's hard y'all.
Don't underestimate burnout either. I saw three elements of burnout being
- exhaustion,
- cynicism (less identification with the job),
- feelings of reduced professional ability
All of these can drag you to a place you don't want to go to.
So, all of that, and things I've done that help: turn off email outside work hours, be less available, try to live in the moment, avoid social media like the plague (except the Fern), and allow yourself to feel less than 'ok'. Open up to people if you can -- it really does help.
Kia kaha everyone
I love my job and they look after me.....but I’m fucken shattered and I need a break. Holidays are so important for the soul, I can’t wait to lie on a hammock and do nothing for a few days
Boxing day we jump in the car and drive to.the Gold Coast. House on the beach for 10 days. I am going to do 3/5 of fuck all
Lucky bastard!!!
Take solace in the fact it will take 3 days to drive down there.
Going to give the new Ranger a full airing out
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@mariner4life said in Happiness Scale:
@canefan said in Happiness Scale:
@mariner4life said in Happiness Scale:
@MN5 said in Happiness Scale:
@nzzp said in Happiness Scale:
This is a great thread, thanks everyone for sharing. Everyone struggles with 'happy' and how to to get there.
I'd recommend taking a listen to 'the happiness lab' (https://www.happinesslab.fm/). Series of podcasts by Dr Laurie Santos from Yale, talking about why people don't feel content or happy. Lots to unpick, but really interesting and challenges ideas and perceptions.
One of the key takeouts I had was that happiness isn't a place you can go and build a house; you' can't live there. What you can do is recognise when you are happy, and make sure your brain recognises it -- and there are things you can do to increase the number and duration of trips to 'happiness'.
That said, christ there's some struggle mentally. I keep saying to people I know that there's no success without sacrifice, and the older I get the more I believe it to be true. Success takes a toll - it's almost always tied to responsibility, and having to deal with stress in an ongoing and challenging way. Personally, while the last few years for me have been very successful professionally and financially, it's taken a massive toll on my mental health and having to adjust to the stress. Shit's hard y'all.
Don't underestimate burnout either. I saw three elements of burnout being
- exhaustion,
- cynicism (less identification with the job),
- feelings of reduced professional ability
All of these can drag you to a place you don't want to go to.
So, all of that, and things I've done that help: turn off email outside work hours, be less available, try to live in the moment, avoid social media like the plague (except the Fern), and allow yourself to feel less than 'ok'. Open up to people if you can -- it really does help.
Kia kaha everyone
I love my job and they look after me.....but I’m fucken shattered and I need a break. Holidays are so important for the soul, I can’t wait to lie on a hammock and do nothing for a few days
Boxing day we jump in the car and drive to.the Gold Coast. House on the beach for 10 days. I am going to do 3/5 of fuck all
Lucky bastard!!!
Take solace in the fact it will take 3 days to drive down there.
Going to give the new Ranger a full airing out
Fuck that!! I'm flying that!!
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My sister's family are in Melbourne and isolated from the olds and us back here in NZ. It is amazing to reflect on the life we used to lead, you could fly to Oz at the drop of a hat and fly back within a day if you really wanted. Certainly long weekends and short holidays were easy, my folks could fly over and babysit then come back. Now they might as well be on the other side of the world. I hope we will be open for a family reunion on the GC or SC in July 2021, but I'm not holding my breath
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@NTA thought mine would be the same, but have moved about a bit more than I thought in the last few weeks (south to Warkworth, north to Kaeo and Kerikeri and south to Mangawhai) way more active, although mostly work related (work golf days are still work right?)
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@antipodean said in Happiness Scale:
@nostrildamus said in Happiness Scale:
It still amazes me people who divorce saying they have no feelings either way for the other person, spending the next few years dreaming up all sorts of stupid shit they say is to get even but really just creates pain for everyone else including themselves. I'd say I'd go into a divorce openly, fairly, and honestly but I bet everyone says that.
The most acrimonious divorce I've heard of was the parents of a girl I went to school with. It dragged on needlessly and once the final judgement was delivered that everything had to be split 50:50, the father took a chainsaw and cut everything in half.
What a dropkick. Did he cut himself in half too ?
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@MN5 said in Happiness Scale:
@antipodean said in Happiness Scale:
@nostrildamus said in Happiness Scale:
It still amazes me people who divorce saying they have no feelings either way for the other person, spending the next few years dreaming up all sorts of stupid shit they say is to get even but really just creates pain for everyone else including themselves. I'd say I'd go into a divorce openly, fairly, and honestly but I bet everyone says that.
The most acrimonious divorce I've heard of was the parents of a girl I went to school with. It dragged on needlessly and once the final judgement was delivered that everything had to be split 50:50, the father took a chainsaw and cut everything in half.
What a dropkick. Did he cut himself in half too ?
I don't condone that shit - it's petty and stupid. That said, one of my 'go to' phrases is 'you can't rationalise an emotional reaction'. Dude clearly had emotion response he was working through. It's just that no one wins.
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Great thread this one.
I’ve always been of the belief that if there is something you’re unhappy about or something you want to change then you should do something about it. Don’t die wondering. Stop complaining and do something about it. The sad problem is that there are sometimes factors completely outside your control.
I met the woman who would become my wife when she was a student in Aus and moved to her home country of Norway. It was awesome at first but I became utterly miserable with my life there as the years went on. I hated the cold, hated the dark and started irrationally hating the entire country and culture. I knew I had to get out of there and was all set to leave , but then my father in law got a brain tumour. Move delayed by 3 years. Then we finally moved to Aus. Worked like a maniac to make everyone happy. Was going well, everyone getting adjusted, wife making friends, gets to travel home to Norway with kids regularly, work awesome and talking about a move to the Sunshine Coast. Then she gets breast cancer. 4 years of hell follow with me not daring to even think worst case or talk to her about it. Then worst case happens and it destroyed me. Telling my sons that mamma was not going to get better was absolutely soul destroying. Those poor boys.
So I was at the location I wanted to be, but I’d lost my soulmate and was a widower and single dad and provider at the age of 38. In that situation you can talk to people or whatever but it doesn’t change anything. It won’t bring anyone back and it won’t make a tragic situation any less tragic. The sadness can be triggered by so many things and thankfully I had my boys there with me. They helped me more than I helped them.
So I focussed on the things I could influence. Exercise and eating right made me happy so I did that and did it properly. It helped me get through some very hard days.
Things gradually got better and my eldest pushed me into online dating. Could write a book about all that but I found an amazing new partner who complements my life and lifestyle perfectly. She and her daughter have moved in and we’ve since also made some wonderful new friends in the local community.
So I was bouncing back really well but unfortunately my eldest son went completely off the rails at the end of last year. He had been doing really well. Won a swimming scholarship to a top school, was very popular and had girls throwing themselves at him. But he suddenly got in with a bad crowd, started with drugs and went completely off the rails. Nobody knows exactly why he’s acting like this. Presumably his mother dying is a huge factor, but he refuses to talk to anyone and has thrown his lot in with the absolute dregs of society. He refused to go to school and was then expelled from the shitty school he insisted on going to. Now he’s living with some friends in a flat somewhere, refusing to find another school and doing God knows what. While I think he should come out of this ok in the end, I’m scared shitless that something will happen to him. It’s so hard because whenever I start feeling good about life, the reminder of his situation hits me like a train. If that ain’t enough, my younger brother has apparently disappeared. Tbh I have zero time for him but my parents are obviously beside themselves and I hate to see them so worried and stressed.
Sorry for the ramble and perhaps way too much info, but again the point I’m making is that sometimes total happiness is completely outside your control. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do everything you can to change or improve the things you can influence. I’m the fittest and healthiest I ever been in my life. I give everything to my relationship and my other son and new step daughter. I’m not happy with work so am looking to make changes when Covid is over. I won’t be fully happy until my son comes back to me, but until then I’ll do the best that I can to get the most out of life. What more can you do?
Happiness Scale